Who Says Politics Aren't Fun?

I still don't "get" fashion. Never have.

On the down side, you'd have to be very young and very nubile to pull off this look. I mean, unless you've been "cosmetically enhanced", odds are the Capitol would look more like the Poseidon.

But on the plus side, what better way to draw the attention of every politician and lobbyist on the beltway?

Still, I'd be a tad bit embarrassed to walk into any high-class Washington DC function with this dress on. Because you know there's no way anyone is going to treat her like anything but a bimbo with a fugly dress.

Maybe they should've used the Washington Monument instead?

The 2007 Academy Awards - Live Blog!

It’s a wonderful night for an Oscar! Oscar, Oscar!

7:30 PM – Sunday, February 25, 2007. Here they come!

7:30 It’s the “movie guy” as announcer. In a world where award telecasts never end…

7:31 - Here’s the opening bit: It’s actors and directors and other people in the movies who may or not be famous. They’re talking about stuff. Nothing in common, just talking. Clint Eastwood, Steven Spielberg, Peter O’Toole. They’re just jumping from line to line. Very odd.

7:34 – There’s our first audience shot. All of the nominees are standing up.

7:36 – Where’s Jack? Usually we’ve seen Nicholson once by now.

7:36 – It’s Ellen, in a purple leisure suit/tux. Ugh. How many felts had to die for that?

7:37 – There’s Jack, and he’s shaved his head! Who does he think he is – Britney?

7:38 – Ellen is babbling. She’s looking more and more like Hilary Clinton every day, isn’t she? She says it’s the most international Oscars ever. Ole!

7:40 – She’s still babbling. Now she’s teasing the nominees about being nervous. Can’t we move on with it?

7:41 – Jack shot #2! Still bald.

7:41- She just pointed out Abigail Breslin, who looks like she’s wearing her Easter basket.

7:42 – There’s Al & Tipper Gore! Hollywood’s hottest couple.

7:43 – “If there weren’t blacks, Jews, or gays, there wouldn’t be any Oscars”. That’s Ellen’s theory du jour. I don’t know what to make of that.

7:43 – A gospel choir just joined Ellen, and they’re dancing in the aisles. Instead of praising God, they’re praising overpaid actors. Someone is going to get struck with lightning for that one.

7:44 – Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig are our first two presenters – he looks like Bond! Award #1 is for Art Direction.

7:45 – Our first Oscar tonight goes to Pan’s Labyrinth. A movie I’ll never see.

7:47 – It’s Maggie Gyllenhall, in navy blue. She’s here to talk about her off-screen party of award winners, people not cool enough to get on stage here. Computer nerds make good.

7:49 – Oh crap - it’s a Debbie Allen dance number! I can feel it coming on!

7:49 – Time for a commercial. Thank goodness – I need to stand and stretch.

7:52 – 22 minutes into this telecast, and only one award dished out so far. God, it’s going to be a long night. I’m usually asleep by 10:00. C’mon, guys – let’s move!

7:53 – Will Ferrell is going to sing. He’s sporting an afro that Jules from Pulp Fiction would love. Jack Black just joined him. Jack needs a shave. Now John C. Reilly is singing to them from the audience. Yet another non-nominee. I just thought I’d point that out. Their song is about comedians never winning awards. They certainly won’t win anything for this tune.

7:56 – Now they get to give out the award for Achievement in Makeup. The winner is…Pan’s Labyrinth. Haven’t I already mentioned that I’m not going to watch this anytime soon? I think perhaps I have.

So…. So far Pan’s Labyrinth is the only movie to win anything. It’s a Spanish Oscar after all.

7:58 – Ellen is sitting backstage with a stage hand. They’re pretending to ad-lib.

7:59 – It’s Abigail in her Easter Basket dress again, and Wil Smith’s son, whose name escapes me. They’re giving out an award for Best Animated Short. At last – something Pan’s Labyrinth can’t win.

8:00 – The winner is The Danish Poet. First Spaniards, now Canadians making films about Danes. Can’t Americans win anything?

8:02 – The kids now give out another award – best Live Action Short. Not a cartoon in sight.

8:03 – The winner is… West Bank Story. Isn’t that an Israeli version of The Jets and the Sharks? See – we’re still international. The winner is making a speech about peace in Palestine. Good luck on that sinking in.


8:05 – A Chuck Workman film about Eastwood’s Iwo Jima movie. He made two WWII movies this year – one nominated, one not. I haven’t seen either one yet, and after the mind screw nightmare that was Saving Private Ryan, I tend to avoid war movies. I’d rather see Will Ferrill’s ass yet again instead of another bloody war movie.
8:08 – Commercial time. Everyone wants a Caddy – even soccer moms!

8:11 – Ellen is introducing the ochestra.

8:12 – Sound effects choir? WTF? It’s an entire stage filled with that guy from the Police Academy movies!

8:14 – It’s Steve Carrell and Greg Kinear. Steve still should be hosting. It’s time for Sound Editing awards.

8:15 – The winner is Letters from Iwo Jima. A Japanese movie. So two Spaniards, a Canadian/Dane, a Palestinian, and now a Japanese flick. C’mon, America – we don’t artistically stink that much, do we?

8:17 – James Macavoy and Jessica Biel. Neither one are A list, now are they? That’s why they’re giving out the award for Sound Mixing.

8:18 – The winner is Dreamgirls! At last, an American-based movie is going home a winner. Although it’s too bad that the guy from Apocolypto didn’t win - this was his 19th nomination with no wins. The Susan Lucci of the Oscars.

8:21 – Rachel Weicz (sp?) is here to give out the award for Best Supporting Actor. Will Eddie walk away with it, or will he pay the price for Norbit?

8:22 – The award goes to…Alan Arkin! Eddie kissed it away after all! Alan was great in Little Miss Sunshine; he fully deserves this award. But poor Eddie – always a bridesmaid. No more Norbits for you, pal.

8:25 – Ellen is in the audience. I wonder if she’s going to walk over to Eddie’s now-empty seat. She’s talking with Scorcese. He rocks. She’s trying to slip him a script to read – I hope it’s not for Pluto Nash 2.

8:26 – It’s the Palabolus Dance Troop. Not nearly as bad as Debbie Allen. Close, but not quite up to Deb’s level of suckyness. They can bend and twist into different shapes, sort of like yoga charades. Interesting, but is it enough to earn them a SAG card?

8:30 – It’s a clip from The Departed, a movie we just happened to have watched last night. Great flick – lots of cursing, though. It’s a good thing I’m not a prude. Nicholson was great in it, however, as was Marky Mark, Leo, and Matt. All dreamy. And I mean that in a purely hetero way.

8:31 – It’s the first nominated song – from Cars. It sounds like an Elton John song, but it’s actually James Taylor and Randy Newman. We saw James Taylor in concert about a year ago – he was very good. Randy Newman we haven’t seen yet, which is probably okay. I’d spend the whole time yelling at him. “Sing Short People!”

8:34 – Melissa Etheridge is here to sing her closing credits song from An Inconvenient Truth. It was a great movie; one I think everyone should be forced to watch. And if you’re a stubborn Republican who refuses to consider global warming as serious just because it’s Al Gore, then you need to watch it twice.

8:37 – Leo DiCaprio and Al Gore, together on stage. He says he’s just here for the movies. No Presidential run announcement tonight, but they did say that the Oscars went green this year. Funny, I thought they were still gold.

8:41 – Another commercial break, another look at Ellen’s ugly tux. But we did get Jack shot #3 in the process!

8:42 – Cameron Diaz and her Bad Hair is here to give out the award for Best Animated Feature. I’m rooting for Cars, because I looooooove Disney and Pixar!

8:43 – The winner is Happy Feet. Boo! That’s not a Disney movie!

8:45 – Ben Affleck, here to present a Nancy Myers movie about writers. I’ve never written a screenplay, but I do find myself to be somewhat of a writer, so I’ll consider this to be a salute to me as well. Why, thank you. Thank you very much! Now, if I can only get an Oscar for my efforts.

8:47 – Jack shot #4!

8:48 – Helen Mirren, Tom Hanks. Smashing, darling. Smashing! Best Adapted Screenplay.

8:50 – The award goes to The Departed. Once again, a great movie filled with lots of great swearing. And this is the cat who wrote all those MFs and CS and other incredibly long 4-letter words. Salute!

8:53 – Chris Connelly is backstage, ad-libbing about the horserace that is the Oscars. He’s talking about “more fun coming up,” then he shoves the mike in Tom Hank’s face as he walks by. “Oh, yes Chris – more fun!” Tom says, not doing the first thing to hold his contempt. Good for you, Hanks!

8:59 – Ellen is now wearing Elvis’ white jumpsuit and a baby carrier with an Oscar in it. Odd.

9:00 – Best Costume Design – Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. They’re trying to recreate their shtick from Devil Wears Prada. Hardy har. Anyhow, the winner is Marie Antoinette, another movie I haven’t seen and I doubt I wil anytime soon. The winner has on an ugly men’s tuxedo – what, can’t she design herself a gown, too?

9:04 – Good Lord, it’s Tom Cruise. I hope he doesn’t jump on the furniture. It’s time for the Jean Hershalt award, going to Sheri Lansing, the former head of Paramount. Sheri is infamous for only wearing Armani, 7 days a week. Guess what she’ll be wearing tonight?

9:08 – Sheri is one of the good ones. Oh, sure – she could chew your nads off and smile while doing it, but she really does do a lot of good work. And she looks sharp in Armani!


9:10 – Ellen is in the audience again, smooching up to Clint Eastwood. She’s having Spielberg take a picture of her and Clint for her MySpace page. You know it ought to be a good pic if Spielberg takes it.

9:11 – Gwyneth Paltrow is next, here to award some lucky bastard an Oscar for Best Cinematography. Gwyn is still sporting her Mom Boobs. That has nothing to do with the award, but it was still worth noting.

9:13 – The winner is Pan’s Labyrinth. Again. Sigh.

9:15 – It’s the Not Debbie Allen Dancers again, this time recreating a scene from Little Miss Sunshine with their bodies. Oy.

9:20 – Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr. She starred in King Kong; he used to have a giant monkey on his back. Ha! Great joke! Best Visual Effects is their category.

9:21 – The awards goes to Pirates of the Caribbean! Hooray – a Disney Oscar at last! Uncle Walt would be proud. Or at least we all hope so.

9:22 – Catherine Denuve and Ken Watanabe. Interesting pair. They bring to us a foreign film clip show, proving to us lazy Americans that not everything good and talented comes out of the San Fernando Valley.

9:26 - This year’s Best Foreign Film winner (finally) is going to be given out by Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett. Apparently Catherine and Ken weren’t allowed to keep going after all that?

9:28 – The winner is The Lives of Other (Germany). Good for them. I won’t see their movie any time soon, but still - good for them.


9:30 Ellen is back, trying her hand at the Non Debbie Allen silhouette dancing. They’re making a Snake on a Plane. How original!

9:32 – George Clooney is here, looking dashing as always. Mrs. G. may tease me about Kate Winslet being my onscreen girlfriend, but she’ll never argue about her lust for Mr. Clooney. Anyway, Mr. Handsome is here to give the award for Best Supporting Actress.

9:35 – Well, by golly the award goes to Jennifer Hudson. It’s nice to see someone other than Beyonce receive awards for that movie. Congrats, Jen. You deserved it.

9:40 – The Babel movie clip. It’s now out on DVD; maybe I’ll have to Netflix it one of these days. Maybe. You know, if I’m in a good mood and I want to be brought down.

9:42 – It’s two actors I don’t know – Eva Green and Gabriel Someone. She’s dressed like a mummy. He looks like a book nerd. Regardless, they’re here to give out the Oscar for Best Documentary Short.

9:43 – The winner is Blood of Yingzhou District, a movie I’ve never heard of. But since I picked it in our family Oscar pool to win, it gets bonus points from me.

9:45 – Jerry Seinfeld. What’s he doing here? He’s not an actor in movies. Only American Express commercials. But that’s neither here nor there – he’s here to give out the award for Best Documentary Feature. He’s repeating a “losers all dressed up” joke, similar to Ellen’s earlier. Now he’s joking about littering. Atta boy, Jerry – you’ve got $100 zillion in the bank, and now you joke about throwing garbage on the ground.

9:47 – The winner for Best Doc is An Inconvenient Truth. Al Gore in 2008!

9:50 – Clint Eastwood is on stage – looking dapper at his age. He’s here to dish out yet another honorary Oscar. It’s going to someone named Morricone, who has scored over 400 movies. 5 time nominee, no wins. So here ya go, enjoy your award.

9:53 – While they play the music of the guy getting the honorary award, I just counted – there’s still 8 awards, 3 songs, and the dead person roll call to go. In 37 minutes! No chance in hell that this thing is ending on time tonight.

9:58 – Through the power of TiVo, I just fast forwarded Celine Dion. You can thank me later.

10:00 – The old composer is gracious in both English and Italian. I just wish he wasn’t so long winded.
10:06 - Penelope Cruz and Hugh Jackman are here to give out the little gold guy for Best Original Score. Her dress is still weird; his tux makes you think he should’ve been Bond overall.

10:07 – Babel wins. There’s not much to say beyond that, is there?

10:08 – Ellen again, with another Jack shot. Maybe Jack should host?

10:09 – It’s Academy president Sid Ganis. Telling us about the AMPAS in 60 seconds or less. Good for keeping it moving, Sidney!

10:11 – Kirsten Dunst and Toby McGuire. Gee, what movie are they co-plugging? But there’s no time for Spider-man plugs – it’s time for the Best Original Screenplay Oscar.

10:13 – The Oscar goes to Little Miss Sunshine – a dark funny movie if there ever was one. I’ll have to dance to “Superfreak” here soon in his honor.

10:15 – More Not Debbie Allen Dancers. This time it’s The Devil Wears Prada. Or… It’s The Devil Enjoys this Not Debbie Allen Crap.

10:19 – It’s Jennifer Lopez! She likes tacos y burritos. Or so South Park led me to believe. She’s here to present the 3 songs from Dreamgirls.

10:20 – “Love You I Do” is first. Jennifer Hudson gets to sing a song that Simon Cowell can’t criticize. How’s that for a “Ha Ha Screw You Simon.” Next up is “Listen”, with the uber-present Beyonce. It’s a Diva Battle! Oh, well – at least Jennifer has an Oscar. Poor Beyonce only has a closet of Grammys and a gazillion bucks in the bank. So that leaves only one song – “Patience”, which I’m quickly running out of. This show is supposed to be over in about 6 minutes, but that’s not gonna happen. They just dragged out their second gospel choir of the night. Must cost a fortune in dry cleaning for all those robes.

10:27 – Ellen is back, the songs are over.

10:28 – John Travolta and Queen Latifah are here to present best song. These are two people who constantly have their sexuality questioned by the tabloids, but since I’m tired and cranky, I don’t want to go there tonight. I’ll save that one for the Enquirer. Anyway, who wins?

10:30 – Why, it’s Melissa Etheridge, for An Inconvenient Truth. Surprise! She’s thanking her wife Tammie Lynn. She’s also thanking Al Gore, but she didn’t kiss him.

10:30 – 5 awards to go, plus the dead guy roll call. There’s a bet going around if they’ll include Anna Nicole in their salute to those who croaked. I mean, she was in Police Squad 33 1/3. Doesn’t that count?

10:33 – Little Miss Sunshine movie promo. It promotes talent shows, heroin snorting, and dysfunction. What could be more heartwarming?

10:34 – Will Smith. He’s here to show a Michael Mann film about America through its movies. Ironic, since a large majority of the winners tonight haven’t been American.

10:40 – Kate Winslet. Or my secret girlfriend, and Mrs. G. just pointed out. Yeah, well… GEORGE CLOONEY. So there. Anyway, my secret girlfriend is giving out the award for Best Film Editing.

10:41 – The Departed wins. Sweeeeet.

10:43 – Jodie Foster in blue. She’s here to tell us about the dead people. Roll that beautiful dead people footage!

10:45 – Glenn Ford. Jane Wyatt. Don Knotts. Robert Altman. No Anna Nicole.

10:51 – Ellen is now in blue.

10:51 – Philip Seymour Hoffman is here to give out Best Actress. Hell, why bother – just hand it to Helen Mirren now? Oh, and Phil – it’s traditional to shower and comb your hair before appearing on national TV. Think about it next time, will you?

10:53 – In the shock of all shocks, Helen Mirren is the one. Who knew?

10:55 – Oh, God – another Not Debbie Allen Dance Number – this time for The Departed. This is of course followed by Chris Connelly dragging this show out even longer.

11:00 – Ellen is vacuuming. Someone has to do it, I suppose.

11:00 – Reese Witherspoon is here to present Best Actress. Her eye makeup is waaaaay too dark. Hasn’t anyone told her that heroin chic went out years ago? Call Courtney Love and ask her.

11:03 – Forrest Whitaker wins, the second closest thing to a “sure thing” this side of Helen Mirren. He’s mumbling on stage. I hope he holds it together without crying. Congrats, Forrest.

11:04 – Spielberg, Lucas, and Coppola. I wish they were here to announce their next blockbuster, but alas – it’s Best Director time. Go, Scorcese!

11:07 – Yeah, Marty! It’s about fricking time! This one goes out for GoodFellas, for Taxi Driver, for Gangs of New York… and yeah, for The Departed. Marty rocks.

11:08 – It’s The Queen! No, not Freddy Mercury’s band. No, it’s not Elton John’s unofficial nickname. It’s the movie. Or, the short movie clip.

11:12 – Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson are here – finally. The Best Picture award.

11:13. Diane is actually wearing something semi-feminine tonight. She’s also a little tipsy, if you ask me. As for Jack, he just looks cool – hair or no hair.

11:14 – At last – the winner. The Academy Award for best picture goes to…

11:15 – The Departed! Hooray! A good movie wins.

So in the end, in our in-home Oscar contest, Mrs. G. wins – 14 to 13. It’s the first time in about 5 years that she’s beat me in this game, so I’ve got to give her props for that. Maybe she was luckier at guessing, maybe I just picked wrong. Or maybe I’m losing my Golden Touch. But either way, I’m glad for Mrs. G for rocking the contest.

It’s 11:20 now, and I’m really tired. My butt is tired from sitting here for the last four hours typing on my laptop, and it’s about 90 minutes past my bedtime. Ellen just wrapped it up with a goodnight, and they just dumped 10 tons of glitter on those expensive hairdos.

So it’s over for another year. See you in 2008, I suppose. I’ll go reserve my tux now.

The Oscar Pre-Show 2007: Live Blog!

So here we are – Oscar night 2007.

The rich and glamorous are in Hollywood, walking the red carpet and hoping that their dress won’t be totally mocked in about 12 hours from now.

Meanwhile, I’m stuck in Sioux City, Iowa, where there’s a foot of fresh snow outside the door. No red carpet – just a semi-shoveled sidewalk, which will probably be re-buried by the snow plow any minute from now.

So if I’m a little extra-cranky tonight, you’ll have to forgive me.

Still, it’s not al about me. Tonight it’s all about CELEBRITY. So I’ll try to check my bad attitude and instead bring you the sheer spectacle that is…

The 2007 Academy Awards Preshow!!!

7:00 PM Central, Sunday February 25, 2007. It’s time for 30 minutes of mini-interviews as the stars make their way through the crowds of photographers and Leonard Maltin wannabes and (hopefully) into their seats on time.

7:01 – The preshow is starting with animated penguins. I think they’re from Happy Feet, but since I didn’t see the movie, I’m not 100 percent sure.

7:02 Oh, the penguins just started dancing. Must be Happy Feet.

7:02 – Ah, there’s the red carpet. And Chris Connelly, who used to be halfway good journalist. Now he’s a preshow whore.

7:03 – Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s a god dresser, and one of the few guys in Hollywood who makes a 3-day growth of facial hair work. He’s a decent actor, although I just watched the Departed, and he’s also got a naughty dirty mouth. Do you kiss your Mama with that thing??

7:04 – Lisa Ling is our next announcer. She’s with “two stunning actresses who need no introduction” – Nicole Kidman (in red with a Clifford the Big Red Dog bow), and Naomi Watts in off-the shoulder yellow. Not really a fashion winner, in my humble non-gay opinion.

And speaking of less than masculine men, and now it’s Andre someone – from Vogue. He’s wearing a cape as he hangs out with Jennifer Hudson. Hmmmm. He talks WAAAY too fast. As for Jennifer Hudson, she’s not wearing a very practical dress.

7:06 – Chris is back, talking with Steve Carrell. He’s in a classic tux, and really should be hosting this damn thing.

Allison Waterman is collecting autographs. She’s got Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt from Devil Wears Prada, and they’re talking about fashion and trying to pretend that they’re happy to discuss this subject.

7:08 – It’s an assortment of actresses in dresses. Only 5 seconds per gown.

7:09 - A commercial – thank God! I can’t type this fast! Plus, it’s Loreal Paris, and I’m worth it, damn it.

7:10 – An ad for Cesar dog food. Formerly known as Mr. Dog. Just as Eddie Izzard.

7:11 – Back to the preshow! It’s Penelope Cruz, in a orange-brown dress that looks like it’s made out of shag carpet. She’s got a beautiful accent, I’ll give her that much.

7:12 – It’s that Odd Andre guy again, talking with Wil Smith and Jada Pickett. Jada’s dress is gold – the same color as an Oscar. They brought their son with them, whose trying to look cool on TV. Wil is teasing Mr. Masculine about his ugly blue tux.

7:14 – It’s Chris and Cameron Diaz. She’s not nominated, but for some reason she’s worthy of attention. She’s got bad hair, too. What’s the matter, Cam – did Justin get the hairdresser in the breakup?

7:15 – Eddie Murphy and :”his beautiful date” Tracy Edmonds. She’s not his wife or his pregnant ex-girlfriend. Do you suppose he rented her by the hour? They asked Eddie what his favorite Eddie Murphy movie was, and he made a Pluto Nash joke.

7:16 – Andre is talking with Cate Blanchett. She looks much better than he does. I wonder if he’s seething with jealousy. He’s still talking way tooooo fast.

7:18 – Ryan Gosling from “Half Nelson”. He was on the Mickey Mouse Club. For that reason alone I’m jealous. I always wanted to be a Mouseketeer.

Another commercial break – punctuated by a U2 song and another snippet of dresses. Yawn.

7:21 – And we’re back. After several lipstick ads, a dumb Coke spot, and a commercial that tries to convince us that the only reason our kids are fat lazy is because we haven’t taken out a Bank of America home equity loan.

7:22 - Chris is with Mark Walberg, who is very genteel. I hope he doesn’t show us his Calvins.

7:23 – The Three Amigos – three Spanish directors. Do any of them speak much English? They compared themselves to Larry Curly and Moe. Bring out the pies!!!

7:24 – It’s Kate Winslet in a mint green dress. She’s got a nasty panty line going on. Mrs. G. teases me about her being my “secret girlfriend.” As if.

7:26 – Helen Mirren! He’s the Queen, and looks like it in gold. You watch – in three hours from now she’ll be sporting an Oscar to match her gown.

7:27 – Andre is talking about Oscar fashion again. This man reeeeeally needs some testosterone. He keeps talking about designers and “smashing” and “delicious” clothes. Yikes.

7:29 – Chris and the chick are running inside to take their seats. Hooray! It’s time. And best of all? No Billy Bush this year.

Okay – time to switch files. See you in 30 seconds!

Pancakes!

Did you realize that today is NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY? Did you realize that even such a thing exists?

Mmmmm, mmmmm. Yes, it’s an official pancake holiday. Your neighborhood IHOP restaurant will even give out free stacks of the things today, if you ask nicely and can tolerate their rude service.

Pancakes are a regular part of our weekend at the Gressel household. They’re quick, they’re easy, and they’re relatively bonehead simple. Pancake mix, a little water, a drop of vanilla to mask that preservative taste, and voila – slap your mama and call it breakfast.

Unlike a lot of people, I like lots of junk in my pancakes – blueberries are always good, but wild blackberries also rock, and I’m a fan of bananas and pecans, too. Mrs. G. is a purist – plain or blueberry, if you please, which is good, too. I’ve also been known to top mine with jam, apple butter, peanut butter, strawberries, or other exotic toppings – Aunt Jemima be damned.

I’ll admit right here and now that The Lovely Mrs. G. makes much better pancakes than I do. With mine they either break (because I made them way too large – you need a snow shovel to flip ‘em), or they’re still gunky in the middle (because I put too much stuff in them). Mrs. G. has the ability to control her pancakes and keep them human sized and cooked through. Mine? You’ll take your chances. Maybe they’ll be good – maybe they’ll be a disaster. It’s the Russian Roulette of flapjacks.

I tried to find online statistics of how many pancakes are served every year, or how tall the stack would be if you put them all on one plate (someone has to know, right), but alas – I wasn’t able to find any details off hand, and quite frankly it was making me hungry, so I abandoned that plan and went back to my pink grapefruit in lite syrup.

Still, if you happen to be in Gressel-town next Sunday, feel free to drop by for a short stack. It’ll be B.Y.O.M.S. – Bring Your Own Maple Syrup. And if you want to splurge on some sausages or a pound of bacon, then by all means.

I’ll try to flip you some fully cooked ones.

Happy Birthday, Cindy

Today is Cindy Crawford’s 41st birthday.

I wrote last year why exactly it is that I used to celebrate Cindy’s birthday every year. (In a nutshell, it was to drive the X nuts. Guess what – it worked.) But old habits die hard, and so it would be wrong for me to forget to wish Ms. Crawford a happy 40-something birthday.

Especially in this day and age where supermodels tend to either beat their assistants with cell phones or drop dead in mysterious ways, it’s nice to celebrate the birth of one who leads a relatively normal life. Or as far as I know.

It’s been a long time since we’ve thrown an impromptu C.C. birthday party (1995 was the last one). I did bake a cake yesterday, but it wasn’t intended to be a Cindy Crawford birthday cake. It was actual the cravings of a very pregnant young lady that motivated my baking skills. Besides, sometimes a yellow cake is just a yellow cake.

Still, Happy Birthday to Cindy. Have a Diet Pepsi and a bad B-movie for me.

Blame it on the Rain?

Forgive me, but I'm about to make a late 80's joke. You can beat me with a wet pair of parachute pants later.

* * * * * * *
Hollywood Making Milli Vanilli Movie

LOS ANGELES - Disgraced pop duo Milli Vanilli will soon get a movie made about their less-than-spectacular career, following in the cinematic steps of such icons as Ray Charles and Johnny Cash.

Hollywood trade paper Daily Variety reported in its Thursday issue that Universal Pictures is developing a film about the lip-synching combo, who lost their coveted Grammy for best new artist in 1990 when it emerged that they had never sung on their records.

* * * * * * *

Okay - here's my feable attempt at stale humor:

Wouldn't it be great if they dubbed the voices of the two actors playing Rob & Fab? Maybe let Tim Allen and Tom Hanks dub them over, ala Buzz Lightyear and Woody. Or maybe get a couple of deep, regal voices to do the trick. Ricardo Maltaban, or Billy Crystal doing his old "Fernando" shtick. Or what about the guys who voiced Ren & Stimpy? "Fab, you eeeeeediot!"

I know, I know. I wasn't very humorous. Or timely. Milli Vanilli jokes went out of style about the same time Carson went off the air. But who really is going to pay to see a movie about these two bozos?

Johnny Cash was a genuine talent. So was Ray Charles. They deserved films. A two-hit wonder that really didn't sing doesn't. (Neither does Britney Spears, but they seem to keep casting her in stuff, so your mileage may vary.)

I wish they'd make a Muddy Waters biography. Or a decent one on Dean or Frank or Sammy. That'd be worth the money.

Still, it would be funny to see Buzz & Woody sing "Girl, You Know It's True." Maybe they can get Slinky Dog and Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head to be their D.J.'s.

Nah - that's asking too much.

When Words Are Not Enough

I found a fun Web site today, where you can make your own custom Valentine's Day conversation hearts. Personally I can't stand to eat those chalky little candies (never could), but this was a fairly humorous site nonetheless. And best of all, zero carbs!

http://www.acme.com/heartmaker/

Anyway, one of the links on the page shows you what custom choices *other* Web-heads have selected. And let's just say that this holiday isn't filled with as much romance and sentiment as Hallmark would have you believe. Check out this screen capture:

Yep, nothing says "I Love You" more than good old fashioned dirty talk.

Happy Valentines Day, kids! But please - keep it clean.

The Art of Gift Giving

My mother-in-law is a wonderful woman. Seriously.

I know that a lot of people are saddled with in-laws that...well, for a lack of a better term, suck. But not me. I’m very fortunate to call The Lovely Mrs. G’s parents “family”. They’ve always been very good to me, and I’m a lucky guy because of it.

But if my dear, sweet, Mum-in-Law had any one fault, it’d be this: She is a lousy gift giver.

I’m not kidding. D is notorious for giving people really horrendous, pointless, and totally useless gifts.

I can’t tell you how many times over the last 12 years that I’ve opened one of her packages, said a polite “Oh. How nice.”, and then quietly placed said item in the nearest Goodwill bag.
Examples? Well, there’s all of the souvenir t-shirts that were three sizes too small for me. (I’m a grown man, not a sausage!) There was the beaded wallet that was too tiny to fit U.S. dollars. I even got a souvenir plastic beer bottle opener from Vermont or some place like that, which would be wonderfully useful if I ever start drinking the stuff.

Then there was the granddaddy of all bad gifts – the XXXL bright yellow polo shirt. I looked like a fat lemon in it. Seriously – I expected Country Time to chase me down the street when I wore it. “Come back, giant lemon! Let me SQUEEEEEEEEZE you!”

It’s not always that bad. Usually, but not always. If you send her a list before your birthday/Christmas of books you’d like to have (Title, Author, Publisher, Price, and ISBN are helpful), odds are good that you might receive one. But if you mistakenly forget to notify her in a timely manner, may God help you. You’re about to get something “rather unique” instead.

I tell this story because last night we opened her latest package, filled with Valentines stuff. It was mostly for Miss Katie and the Forthcoming Baby Emaline, which is good – it’s hard to go wrong with newborn outfits. The Lovely Mrs. G. did receive a shirt in the right size, and a sweatshirt from her alma mater that was...you guessed it...three sizes too small. (Miss Katie will enjoy that one instead.)

But me? Well, first let me say that I didn’t expect anything. It’s really not necessary. But I do appreciate the gesture. It’s just that...this is what I got. Wanna guess what it is?

Give up? It’s a New Zealand kiwi mouse pad. Who knew such things even exist?

My in-laws have actually been to NZ a couple of times, but most recently it was about 3 or 4 years ago, so you know that this thing was just sitting in a box somewhere, collecting dust until it made its way across the country to our house. I still secretly suspect she’s got an entire hidden room in her house filled with leftover souvenirs from their travels over the years that she sneaks into for a last minute gift whenever the need arises. Somewhere in there, back on a dusty shelf, maybe one day she’ll stumble across Jimmy Hoffa. Or a Jimmy Hoffa shot glass/ashtray combination set.

But once again let me remind you that I tease because I love. D really does have her heart in the right place, even if her gifts are way out in left center field. So I’ll be a gracious recipient, and try to put my new kiwi mouse pad to good use.

Just as long as I don’t look like a fat lemon while doing it...

Nap Time!

This is the greatest news I've heard in a long time. Now if I can only talk the Powers That Be into it...

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Study: On-the-Job Naps Might Help Heart

CHICAGO - Office nappers now have the perfect excuse: New research shows that a little midday snooze seems to reduce the risk of fatal heart problems, especially among men.

In the largest study to date on the health effects of napping, researchers tracked 23,681 healthy Greek adults for an average of about six years. Those who napped for about half an hour at least three times weekly had a 37 percent lower risk of dying from heart attacks or other heart problems than those who did not nap.

The researchers said naps might benefit the heart by reducing stress, and jobs are a common source of stress.

A daytime siesta has long been part of many cultures, especially those in warmer climates. Mediterranean-style eating habits featuring fruits, vegetables, beans and olive oil have been credited with contributing to relatively low rates of heart disease in those countries, but the researchers wanted to see if napping also plays a role.

"My advice is if you can (nap), do it. If you have a sofa in your office, if you can relax, do it," Trichopoulos said.
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There are few things in this world that I enjoy more than a good nap. Just ask the Lovely Mrs. G. - I'm a world championship napper. If napping was an Olympic event, I'd bring home the gold for sure.

Mrs. G. often wonders how I make it through my work day without my 1:00 PM snooze. I mean, most weekends I'm a goner by 1:30 or so. (The secret? Caffeine.) But if I could nap, I would. Just give me a pillow and a quiet spot underneath my desk, provided housekeeping actually sweeps the floor up here for the first time in 3 years (seriously icky).

Siestas are a large part of the free world - why not America? There'd be a whole lot less cranky people out there. Maybe road rage would slow down. Maybe people would smile a little bit more. Maybe sales of pacifiers and blue blankies will skyrocket.

I'd write more, but quite honestly I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it. So it's time for a... break. Yeah, that's the ticket. Don't worry - I'll be sure to set an alarm.

Goodbye, Vicki Lynn

I’m not sure what to make of this whole Anna Nicole Smith situation.

I mean, this is a woman who was far more famous for her tabloid exploits than she was for her acting skills. She was everywhere in the press, and not always in a good way: Playboy centerfolds, B-list soft core porn, marrying old codgers, Trimspa ads, crappy reality shows, slurred speeches, a mystery baby, a dead son, a nasty custody battle, and now...a goner.

Her life was fairly tragic anyway, and I wouldn’t wish the number of problems she had on anyone. But how much of that was self-inflicted? Anna Nicole never met a camera that she didn’t like. She issued press releases every time be pooped. She made her entire life public, and now her death will be public, too. Even in the afterlife she’ll be a marketable commodity.

I feel bad for her daughter. With any luck the kid will be able to grow up outside of the spotlight that blinded her Mom.

Over the next few months you’ll hear more than you ever cared to know about Anna Nicole. Books will be published, Lifetime movies will be filmed, and Access Hollywood will have plenty of footage to last them well into next year.

It’s a sad story, and unfortunately the ending will go on and on and on for years.

So rest in peace, Vicki Lynn. I hope there’s paparazzi waiting in Heaven for you, because there’s plenty of them still looking for you here.

When Mooninites Invaded BeanTown

Did you ever imagine that an obnoxious little cartoon character could send an entire city into a panic as much as this guy did?

This little sucker with his middle finger in the air is apparently known as a Mooninite, as I have been led to believe. I don’t watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force very often (I’ll have to ask Miss Katie about it sometime – she’ll know), but from what I understand they’ve got issues with the fine city of Boston.

Now, I fully understand and appreciate cities being on edge these days. I mean, whose to say that the innocent looking backpack left sitting by a bus stop really doesn’t contain something more than an unfortunate kid’s homework? But c’mon – don’t you think that a CARTOON CHARACTER flipping you the bird all over town has something better on his mind than wreaking genuine havoc, thereby affecting his opening weekend box office results?

I also have to wonder if anyone in the Boston P.D. had ever watched Cartoon Network. You’re telling me that not one of those guys has ever seen this show? Puh-leeze.

And why was Boston the only city to flip out? They ran this promotion in 9 other markets, yet they weren’t spazzing about it. Maybe it's just too much caffeine. Or maybe they thought it was a gift from disgruntled Yankee fans.

Me personally, I’m more afraid of real terrorist situations that America is dealing with – i.e. the mess a certain guy has made in the Middle East – than a modified Lite-Brite that’s telling the world where to go.

I don’t think Cartoon Network or the two saps that were arrested for placing these things around town on their behalf were intentionally trying to incite terror. They were just trying to promote their little movie. And by golly – they sure did that. It was a viral marketing campaign that freaked out some overly jumpy cops – nothing more.

So relax, America. Sometimes a moon creature telling you to F Off is just a moon creature telling you to F Off.

Oh - and please go see their little movie. They need the profits for bail money. Just don’t bring any Lite-Brites along, if you know what’s good for you.

Warming Up To Groundhogs Day

Well, it’s about freaking time. That’s all I can say.

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Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Early Spring

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. - Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow on Friday which, according to German folklore, means folks can expect an early spring instead of six more weeks of winter.

Since 1886, Phil has seen his shadow 96 times, hasn't seen it 14 times and there are no records for nine years, according to the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club. The last time Phil failed to see his shadow was in 1999.

More than 15,000 revelers milled about in a misty snow waiting for the prediction, as fireworks exploded overhead and the "Pennsylvania Polka" and other music blared in the background.

Each Feb. 2, thousands of people descend on Punxsutawney, a town of about 6,100 people about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, to celebrate what had essentially been a German superstition. The Germans believed that if a hibernating animal cast a shadow on Feb. 2 — the Christian holiday of Candlemas — winter would last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early.

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So America’s second favorite rodent (Behind Mickey, of course) says that we’ll have an early Spring. Lord, I hope he’s right – I’m freezing my GroundToms off right now.

C’mon, Spring – hurry it up! Phil the Sleepy Shadowless Groundhog (and Tommy the sleepy Casts-A-Mighty-Wide-Shadow Human) say so!