The Power of Gypsies

The Lovely Mrs. G. and I have a saying: “The gypsies got me.” As in “The gypsies grabbed me by the arm and convinced me to buy something outlandish and/or expensive that I really didn’t need. That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.”

The gypsies get us a lot. Okay, they get ME a lot. They always seem to find a way to talk me into buying this or that, and then I have to come home with a sheepish smile on my face.

Recently the gypsies got me twice. While I was in Disneyland in March, they talked me into buying two Haunted Mansion posters. Damn gypsies with their hypnotic suggestive selling ways... The posters weren’t the worst part, though – they were relatively cheap compared to the framing cost. Yikes – have you ever priced what it costs to professionally matte and frame a 3-foot poster? It ain’t cheap, brother.

Still, the final result does look pretty sharp.

The only catch is the I bought TWO posters – the second one is even bigger than the first one. And with poster #1 costing me over $250 to frame (ouch!), I can only imagine what #2 will set me back. So for now my second poster sits in its tube, waiting its turn until the gypsies’ tambourine lures them back in.

My other big gypsy purchase wasn’t as expensive, but does come with a long term commitment.

Meet Dixie.

I named her after my love of all things Southern, especially Florida. I originally thought of calling her “Esmeralda”, after the gypsy in “Hunchback of Notre Name” (somehow it seemed appropriate), but that’s quite the name to holler when she’s climbing on the counters. So I went with Dixie instead, which seems to fit her personality.

I lost my older cat Tasha in December to old age, and it took me until now to decide it was time to add another cat to the Gressel mix. So last Friday I went to the local Humane Society, where she and I bonded right away. She needed a home; I needed a new friend, and it all worked out.

Dixie is a sweet little cat (she’s a year old), and I’m glad that she and I have met up. Now if I can just get her to stay off the top of the cupboards, we’ll get along fine.

So let this serve as a warning to all of you out there – beware of the power of the gypsies. Otherwise you’ll never know what you’ll come home with.

Go Big Red? Already?

Living in the Midwest as I do, there's some things that I should just accept as fact, and not question.

For example, the Midwest love of loose meat sandwiches. Runzas. Taverns. Tastees. Maid-Rite. Call 'em what you will, but it's still just overcooked ground beef in and/or on a bun. I personally think they're the most disgusting thing on Earth. But for some reason the tastebud-deprived locals love them.

So I don't question their desire to eat crumble burgers. It's just the way that they are.

But the one thing I'll NEVER understand that the locals do is best described in the article below.

* * * * * * * * * *
More than 80,000 watch spring game for Pelini's rebuilding Huskers

LINCOLN, Neb. -- After an agonizing end to the Bill Callahan era, Nebraska fans couldn't wait to see what Bo Pelini's Cornhuskers had to offer.

Nebraska's first spring game under the new coach drew a school-record crowd of 80,149, with some tickets reportedly selling for upward of $100 early in the week.

The Reds beat the Whites 24-14 in a scrimmage where the first- and second-stringers were spread across both squads to make things competitive.

The scrimmage was declared a sellout 10 days before, and some ticket brokers were finding buyers willing to pay 10 times the face value of $10 for a reserved seat.

"I thought it was a pretty special atmosphere," Pelini said. "I want to thank the fans and everybody who came out today."

Fans lined up outside the stadium gates three hours before kickoff. But those looking for spectacular performances were out of luck. That was OK with Pelini.

This spring, he said, was about installing his system, changing attitudes and improving work ethic after last year's 5-7 debacle, the Cornhuskers' second losing season in four years under Callahan.

* * * * * * * * * *

Yes, 85,000 people paid upwards of $100 a ticket to watch…a football practice. Wow, P.T. Barnum needs to update his slogan.

It may be just me asking this question – but I somehow doubt it – but why in the hell would anyone drop a hundred clams to watch a bunch of college football players play catch? Technically they did keep score, but what does it matter? You know they weren't going to really tackle the QB and risk hurting him. You know that most of the players out there will be cut before the "real" team takes form this fall. You know that it doesn't matter at all, because IT'S JUST PRACTICE. Yet they went anyway. 85,000 suckers with too much disposable income and too much free time.

It's like buying tickets to watch the Rolling Stones tune their guitars, and not seeing the concert. Or driving all the way to Disney World, riding the monorail to the front gate, then leaving.

The accountants at the U of Nebraska must be laughing their asses off, in between trying to figure out how they can charge $50 a ticket to watch the players have lunch.

Hopefully they'll be serving loose meats.

Grounded!

In less than 7 hours from now I'm supposed to be on a flight from Omaha to Dallas, in order to see the Lovely Mrs. G. for the weekend. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks; the longest we've ever been apart. It's only a 2-night trip, so it's not a long visit, but it'll be enough to make us happy for a while.

Now, would you like to guess which airline I'm booked with?

Yep – American. As in "American, whose cancelled 2,500 flights in the last 3 days."

So we'll see if I can make it or not. My plan was to get up at the crack of dawn (or maybe even earlier) and see if my originally booked flight is still on or not. If it is, then hallelujah. If not, then I'm going to get on the horn and see what can be done.

My first option will be to see if they can rebook me, even if it's on another airline. I'd rather not go from here to Dallas via Atlanta, Chicago, or God forbid Timbuktu, but if that's what it takes, then I suppose I'll go that route.

My second thought was any possible standby seat on American, which also runs to Chicago from here. In Chicago I should be able to catch one of a dozen other airlines to The Big D, wouldn't you think? (Hey, I've watched enough Amazing Race over the years to know that flights can be switched if you ask nice enough.)

My third thought involves driving 100 miles an hour for 8 straight hours. Nah. I'd be dead tired and/or arrested for trying to pull that stunt. Besides, with gas prices being what they are, it'd be cheaper to rent a Lear jet.

So plan #4 means having to delay my trip for a week. I suppose I could do this, but I'd rather not. Getting out of work next week will be harder than it will be today. Plus, I'm also booked to go back in two weeks for a second trip, so that'd be two weekends in a row at the airport. Ick.

So cross your fingers for me – as of right now my flight for this afternoon is still on. Two of the five flights from here to there have already been scrapped, but mine is still alive and kicking for now.

And if not, then you'll see me hitchhiking in front of Warren Buffet's plane or something…

"Gee Yogi, I don't think Mr. Ranger's gonna like that."

I've heard of some strange turn-ons over the years (hey - I've got HBO!), but this one? This one takes the basket.

* * * * * * *
Man accused of sex with picnic table
Police say man admitted to repeatedly having sex with his picnic table

BELLEVUE, OH -- Police say a man was arrested after being caught on a DVD and has admitted to having sex repeatedly with his picnic table.

Investigators say they received a tip that Art Price Jr., 40, was having sex with a picnic table while he is outside on the deck. The incidents occurred between January and March 2008.

Police say on March 13, the tipster dropped off three DVDs which showed Price in the act. On four occasions, Price is seen naked and masturbating in the rear room near the open doorway; he then comes out to the deck. He tilts the metal round picnic table on its side and lays up against it and has sexual intercourse with the table. Afterwards he cleans the table and the deck.

Police say the incidents occurred close to Ridge Elementary School.

On March 20 Huron County prosecutors met with investigating officers and were shown the DVDs. Later that day, Price was brought in for questioning.

Police say that during questioning, Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table. He confirmed to police the incidents caught on the DVDs and said he had also had sex with the table inside the home.

Captain Johnson concluded: "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around."

* * * * * * *

Ummm. Yeah. I suppose it's better than sticking it to the cat, but really now. A picnic table? He must be a load of fun to have around on the 4th of July.

I imagine that Mr. Price's partyin' on the patio days are over for a while, especially since his home address and mug shot were included in this article.

But just in case, let ol' Tommy offer you this bit of advice, in the event that you're over at Artie's place. If he asks you if you'd like to stay for dinner, and you're nutty enough to accept the offer – well then, just stay away from the potato salad.

Children of the Corn?

What – the – HELL???

* * * * * *

Nine-year-olds plotted to tie up, hurt teacher

ATLANTA - Nine-year-olds at a school in Georgia brought a broken steak knife, handcuffs and electrical tape to school in a plot to injure their teacher, authorities said on Tuesday.

Teachers at Center Elementary School in Waycross, Georgia, uncovered the plot on Friday when a pupil reported that a child in the third grade had brought a weapon into the school.

"The plan was to handcuff the teacher, put tape over her mouth and hit her over the head with the paperweight and possibly cut her," said Lt. Duane Caswell of Waycross police, adding that some students said the knife was simply there to cut the tape.

"It was a rather elaborate scheme for children of that age," he said.

The students spent a week planning the attack and planned to carry it out on the day they were caught, Caswell said.

Nine pupils in the grade, most of whom were 9 years old, have been disciplined and some were given long-term suspensions, said Theresa Martin, spokeswoman for the Ware County school district in the southeastern part of the state.

Caswell said police were also planning to charge three of the children in the juvenile court system with conspiracy to commit aggravated assault and possession of a weapon on a school property.

* * * * * *

Do you remember when kids used to just plot to throw a paper airplane behind the teacher's back? Yikes.

The worst we ever did to a teacher was to rearrange the large orange and blue signs hanging in her second floor classroom windows. They originally said W E L C O M E TO R A I N I E R B E A C H, after my high school. It was supposed to be a warm welcoming to the incoming freshmen, who had no idea what hell they were about to get themselves into.

Anyway, each letter took up one window pane, and our English classroom contained the M E T O R A I N I E R portion. (The W E L C O was in a science room, and B E A C H was in Algebra.)

So we took down the signs, threw away several of them, and re-arranged the remaining 5 letters to read the following:

E A T M E

The sign hung in the windows for almost a month until the Vice Principal finally drove by that side of the building and saw it.

He was not amused.
We were.

See? Crude, but perfectly harmless. We never brought knives, handcuffs, or duct tape to school – okay, maybe we did, but it never was for the purpose of tying up and shivving a teacher.

I wish we could go back to a more innocent time, where kids came to school to learn how to read and how to do math, and not how to take hostages or how to slit throats. They'll have plenty of time to learn how to do all that (and more) in high school.

I'm waiting for someone to blame this on the media – movies, rap music, comic books, video games, you name it. You know it's coming. I mean, a room full of special ed. 9 year olds don't think up such devious plots on their own, do they?

I'm also curious how they'll punish these kids. You don't toss a bunch of 9 year olds into the pokey, and I don't think they'll get the gist of supervised probation, so about the only thing you can do is send them to their room. Or take away the sugar and caffeine for at least a month.

And maybe disconnect the video games and cable TV. Just a thought.