The Devil Wore THIS???

Is there anything more FUN than mocking the annual Paris fashion show? Not when you can laugh at anorexic pouty-lipped waifs dressed like this…

So here's some of my favorite designs from the Paris Fall 2008 collection. Coming soon to a Wal-Mart near you, I'm sure.

Oh - and through the power of the Gressel-o-Meter 3000®, I've been able to extract exactly what these "super" models were thinking while wearing these….um…unique?...designs.

"It's practical, it's original, and it keeps me from chewing my stitches."

"You know what? Mona Lisa can just SUCK IT."

"This is in honor of my favorite Carol Burnett episode."

"THE GOVERNMENT WILL GIVE YOU $60,000 TO OPEN A PET SHOP! BUY MY BOOK AND FIND OUT HOW!"

"Hey, look – I'm calamari!"

"Reason #37 why you should never pass out when your roommates have access to Magic Markers."

"EMPTY THE CASH REGISTER, AND NOBODY GETS HURT."

"I'm Fashion Gumby, dammit."

"Wow, it turns out that Nancy Reagan was right. Who knew?"

"Believe it or not, this is the EXACT same veil that Donald Trump's bride wore."

"It's not mange – it's just a condition caused by constant pouting and not eating."

"This way I'm covered in case it shrinks in the wash."

The 2008 Oscars - Live!

Oscars 2008 – The Tom Gressel Live Blog!

Here we go again!

For the third year in a row, here's my real-time Oscar blog. It's just like being there, only without being judged for what you're wearing. And best of all – no commercials! (It's like TiVo for your favorite newsforum!)

Anyway, let's get going --- it's 7:30!

7:30 – An animated opening, featuring Transformers, Aliens, Harry Potter, Grease, cowboys, and the Terminator. Oooh, Oscar gold, via UPS!

7:31 – Live, it's the 80th annual! Thanks to Loreal Paris. (Oops, I promised you no commercials. Sorry about that.)

7:32 – John Stewart. Looking swell in a dapper black tux. God, I hope this thing doesn't go until midnight.

7:32 – Jack Nicholson front row shot #1. Still wearing those dark sunglasses.

7:33 – John's making writer's strike jokes. Get 'em while they're semi-fresh, kids.

7:34 – Psychotic killer movies – the feel good topic of the year. John says "Thank God for pregnant teens."

7:35 – It's time to point out some people in the audience. Does anyone ever look comfortable when they hear their name called out from stage? Not one.

7:36 – Jack shot #2!

7:37 – Johnny Depp, Harrison Ford, Dennis Hopper. All called out. All pretending to laugh and enjoy the attention.

7:38 – John says his stripper name is "Olympia Dudkakis." You use the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on. Mine would be "Ginger 66th Avenue." Not really very stripper-ish, I know.

7:39 – Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him the GOP frontrunner for President. As if! McCain is at least 10 years older than that!

7:40 – Gaydolf Titler! That'll be the joke people remember tomorrow.

7:41 – First presenter – Jennifer Gardner. She's The Lovely Mrs. G's best friend, you know.

7:42 – Costume award. I chose "Elizabeth", although I actually haven't seen any of these movies. It's like throwing a dart at a map and seeing what sticks.

7:43 – The first Oscar of the night goes to… Elizabeth. The Academy loves those damn period pieces. Don't trip over your dress, lady. That stage is slick!

7:43 – Guess what? It's "Let's live it again" time – it's the Best Actress tie from the 70's. Barbra Streisand and Katherine Hepburn. Since Kate is now worm food, they could only interview Babs. Hello, gorgeous.

7:44 – Commercial time. We're not talking about those, now are we?

7:46 – We're back with George Clooney. Mrs. G. WISHES he was her best friend.

7:47 – It's a clip reel – 80 years of Oscar. More self congratulations, with a funny crack from Dudley Moore. We miss Dudley. They even threw in a clip of Rob Lowe singing with Snow White – the musical number that nobody likes to talk about. The only problem is that they're playing Celine Dion yowling in the background. Ick. They wind it up with Charlie Chaplin, who is also worm chow. Sorry.

7:51 – John is watching Lawrence of Arabia on his iPhone. Isn't technology great?

7:51 – Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell. They're in "Get Smart" this summer. Animated Features is their category. Steve thinks he's giving out the award for Best Documentary. Did he just drop a "shit" comment???

7:53 – He did! Well, at least I think he did. Mrs. G. thinks he said "shoot". I guess the press will confirm or deny it tomorrow.

7:53 – Moving on – it's Best Animated Feature. I chose RATATOUILLE!! It should win after it forced me to spell its name, dammit.

7:54 – The winner is…The Rat Movie! You're gotta love Brad Bird. Good speech. He's about to get played off, though. Wrap it up, bud!

7:56 – Katherine Heigl is our next presenter. She bugs Mrs. G., in the Renee Zellwegger mode.

7:57 – Makeup is the category. I went with Pirates of the Caribbean. It's a Disney film. I'm prejudiced that way.

7:58 – The winner is…"La Vie En Rose." Too bad for Jack Sparrow. It's too bad that the lady who won for "makeup" is wearing such bad makeup herself. She's getting played off, too.

8:00 – It's now time for the "Happy Working Song" from Enchanted. John Stewart is trying to sing it himself. But no worries – here's Amy Adams, who sings much nicer. I heard she was really nervous, but she's singing really well. Even Simon Cowell would approve. Enchanted was a really good movie, and this scene with this song was HILARIOUS. You'll have to see it. Trust me.

8:02 – Amy nailed it. She's that good.

8:03 – Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones in clip talking about their his/hers Oscars. Isn't there about a 80 year difference between those two? Talk about a May/December romance.

8:06 – We're back after a you-know-what. Dwayne Johnson, AKA The Rock. Can you smell what the Oscar is cooking? Mrs. G. wants to know who he had to sleep with to get on the show. John, are you paying attention?

8:07 – Visual Effects – I went with Pirates again, for the same reason as I mentioned above. I bleed Disney gold.

8:08 – The visually effected winner is…."The Golden Compass." Another movie I didn't see. Mrs. G. got it right – I lost. Her "pure guesses" are better than my "pure guesses". But at least they're quoting Walt Disney. "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." A great quote. Maybe he's bucking for a Disney job next?

8:09 – Ladies and gentlemen, here's Cate Blanchett, really preggo. Art Direction is her category. I went with "There Will Be Blood," because only God knows why.

8:11 – "Sweeney Todd" wins. Two sharp razors up! The woman who won has had too much plastic surgery. She looks like The Joker! She too got played off.

8:12 – John is sucking up to Cate Blanchett. Maybe it's his kid? It's a joke, of course. A bad joke, but a joke nonetheless.

8:13 – Best Supporting Actor time, after a Danny Kaye led clip. More film of mostly dead people accepting awards that were probably buried with them.

8:15 – Jennifer Hudson is back to give out the award. It's the first time she's been seen in Hollywood since that Dreamgirls movie last year. She's very obviously reading the TelePrompter. I went with Hal Holbrook, because of his age. Give the old man a statue before he kicks!

8:18 – The Oscar goes to Javier Bardem. You knew it was coming, but I was still rooting for Hal. Congrats though, Javier. You're a good actor. But let's see what you're like at 80 and wrinkled up like Hal.

8:22 – We're back after a commer….oops, a pie break. Yeah, that's it. Mmmm, Pie.

8:23 – Now John is sucking up to Javier. What, is he pregnant, too? Here's an Oscar montage to binoculars and periscopes, to fill in for the writer's strike. (Thank God they settled. John said the same thing.) Now they're saluting "Bad Dreams." That was kind of funny. Too bad that didn't make one about "bad movies". That'd kept us here until noon tomorrow.

8:25 – Here's Felicity - oops I mean Kerri Russell, to introduce a song from "August Rush", another movie I never saw. It's a gospel choir. Kerri is wearing lots of diamonds. The gospel choir is not.

8:29 – The choir was pretty good. The young girl who sang solo is probably hoping for an American Idol audition about now. Another 5 years, kid. That's nothing in Hollywood, and you know that sow will still be on the air by then.

8:30 – John is now sucking up to the young girl singer. No pregnancy jokes this time.

8:30 – It's Owen Wilson, proving he's not dead! He's here to give the award for Short Film Live Action. I went for "The Mozart of Pickpockets", a movie I never I never heard of before tonight. Random choices are okay – I've got a one in five shot, right?

8:31 – I won one! Whoo–hoo! Mozart of Pickpockets wins. It's like betting on a horse based strictly on its name, and seeing it win. Can I cash in my Quinella ticket now?

8:32 – It's the Jerry Seinfeld bee, here to give out the award for short animated film. He thinks he's funny – but what can you do. Jerry's been has been pretty much everywhere this winter. I wish someone would just break out the DDT and get it over with. Anyway, I chose "Peter and the Wolf", because of its Disney roots oh so many years ago. That Disney Bias of mine – one of these days it'll pay off.

8:34 – The winner is… Peter and the Wolf! That's two in a row, buddy! The wolf will be proud.

8:35 – Best Supporting Actress clip time. More dead people. Here to present the award is Alan Arkin, who won for last year in "Little Miss Sunshine." He's cool, but not on film enough. I went with Tilda Swinton, even though I think Cate Blanchett is going to win it. I picked Tilda because she was good in Michael Clayton, and because she was the Snow Queen. Yes, more Disney bias. So sue me.

8:38 – The winner is…Tilda Swinton wins. She's an odd looking woman, but a good actress, so there. Her dress is AWFUL, though. She's sucking up to her agent. She says she wants to give her Oscar to him – what, isn't 10% enough?

8:40 – Sidney Poitier talking about his Oscar. He's such a good actor – it's too bad that there aren't more roles for him. I guess that's the price you pay for getting old.

8:44 – The "always fantastic" Jessica Alba. Apparently the announcer never saw "Good Luck Chuck." She gave out the technical awards a couple of weeks ago. Nerds of the world, unite!

8:46 – Good Lord, now Stewart is sucking up to Jessica Alba. More pregnancy jokes.

8:46 – Jack shot #3!

8:46 – Josh Brolin and James MacAvoy together. What is this, Brokeback Mountain II: The Sequel? They're reading movie quotes from the TelePrompter.

8:47 – Jack shot #4!

8:47 – Best Adapted Screenplay – I went with No Country for Old Men. Coen Brothers, oh yah? Yah.

8:48 – The Oscar goes to the Coens! Yah there dontcha know. I still need to see this movie, even though it's nowhere as near lighthearted as Raising Arizona. "Son, you done got a panty on your head." It was a strange acceptance speech – what else do you expect from Joel and Ethan?

8:49 – Academy president Sid Ganis. He's here to give a boring short speech that nobody cares to hear about. Hey, at least he didn't trot out the accountants this year. He's explaining how to pick the nominated films. I'm still jealous that I'm not an Academy member. Why not me? Man, that's a bummer. It might be that I'm not an actor, producer, director, or even a makeup artist. He's extolling on how the secrecy of the ballots is tough. Is it tougher than Survivor? It must be. And best of all - no Probst!

8:52 – Stewart is back, making fun of the Academy's film. He's also introducing Miley Cyrus, who just tripped. She's here with song #3 tonight. It's from Enchanted – "That's How You Know."

8:53 – Kristen Chenowith is singing. I'll admit that I have a small 12-year-old-inside-of-me crush on Kristen – she's got the looks and the pipes. Hey, if Mrs. G. can drool over Clooney, then Kristen is open season, right? She's really good on "Pushing Daisies", and I wish I'd seen her on Broadway. Can someone give Kristen an Oscar, please? Just for me.

9:00 – We're back with John – he's sucking up to the pregnant chicks again. Does he have some sort of sick fetish? Freak.

9:01 – Halle Berry and Dame Judy Dench are announced, but they're not there. (Har, har – another joke.) Filling in is Seth Rogan and the fast dude from Superbad. I don't remember his name, but it doesn't matter. It's Best Sound Editing. I went with "Transformers," because someone has to win.

9:03 – It's "The Bourne Ultimatum" that wins. A good movie, even if the shaky camera work left you a little queasy. That's why they win for audio and not video… They can't remember who to thank. Send them notes tomorrow, guys!

9:04 – It's the same guys again, now giving out the award for Sound Mixing. They didn't drop an F bomb on live television. So that's good sound mixing. I went with Ratatouille, because I liked the movie.

9:05 – The winner is…The Bourne Ultimatum again. Their sound wins twice – does that make it in stereo? Must not - they're already being played off.

9:07 – Wow, is it time for Best Actress already? Either they bumped it up, or the night is going really fast. Yet here it is – the Best Actress clip show. Yes, and lots more dead people.

9:08 – Sure enough, here's Forrest Whitaker to present the Best Actress. I went with Ellen Page in Juno, because if there's one thing the Academy loves, it's a new face. (See Jennifer Hudson's win last year.) Mrs. G. thinks it'll be Julie Christie, who won a zillion years ago. If there's another thing the Academy loves, it's repeat Oscars 40 years apart.

9:11 – So here's the winner --- Marion Cottiard - "the French Chick", as the Powerful and Attractive Mrs. G. just so aptly put it. If there's a third thing the Academy loves, it's a foreign actress. We'll see if she's ever seen in America again. She just thanked Life. I wonder if that's her agent's name.

9:18 – John is playing Wii Tennis on the big screen with the little girl who sang the gospel solo. Wii on a 40 foot high screen? Hey, that's what I'd do. If they'd let me, of course.

9:18 – Colin Farrell, just about tripping. The fourth nominated song, from an Irish movie called "Once". He needs to comb his hair. Colin says that he's "Chuffed". I have no idea what that means. Maybe it means "piss drunk"? Who knows.

9:19 – Here's the song. It's okay, but it's no princess from Enchanted song, that's for sure.

9:22 – Jack Nicholson – on stage! He's removed the sunglasses for now. Jack – does it get cooler than that, even when you read something about his creepy sex habits? We'll try to not think about that. Anyway, Jack is here to pimp a collage of the 79 Best Picture winners. I've seen 55 of the 79; so has Mrs. G. Not bad.

9:27 – Renee Zellweger. She bugs Mrs. G. a lot. Me? I always think she looks like she just smelled a ripe fart. Why is she so popular? Beats me. Anyway, Best Film Editing is the category. I went with No Country for Old Men again. No real reason.

9:28 – The Oscar goes to The Bourne Ultimatum. That's 3 Oscars for this movie – who knew a Matt Damon action movie would go so far? Nice speech – he wasn't played off.

9:30 – John Stewart just said that someone took the lead in their Oscar pool based upon a guess. Funny – Mrs. G. just got that one right…based on a guess. Weird, no?

9:30 – Nicole Kidman – pregnant. Look out, Nic -- a horny John Stewart is backstage somewhere. She's literally dripping in diamonds. She looks like a Christmas tree draped in tinsel. Give her an angel on her head and a string of lights, and we'll be all set. She's here to give an honorary Oscar to Robert Boyle, a Production Designer. He's 97 years old; I hope he makes it to the end of his speech. He was the designer for North by Northwest and The Birds – I hope there's not an eerie, ghostly phenomenon any second now. He's babbling, but they won't play him off because that'd be rude to the honoree. I hope he wraps it up soon – it's 7:36 PM Pacific time – well past his bedtime. Congrats, Bobby – now get off the stage.

9:41 – John is back, threatening to restart the show. NOOOO!!! He's here to introduce Penelope Cruz.

9:41 – Mrs. G. says something crude about Penelope and me. I won't repeat it, because I'm a nice boy. Anyway, it's Best Foreign Movie time. I picked "The Counterfeiters," another movie I never heard of before tonight.

9:43 – And lookie here – the winner is Austria, for The Counterfeiters. Remember what I said earlier about winning the pool based upon a guess? There you go. The movie is about the atrocities of Nazi crime. A feel good movie, no doubt.

9:44 – Patrick Dempsey is here to introduce "So Close", the last of the nominated songs. This one is also from Enchanted. They seemed to have recreated the exact same scene from the movie on stage – the same purple gown, the same foppish tux on him. It's a nice little ballad, but I still like "Happy Working Song" better. Rats and pigeons are more interesting than waltzing matildas.

9:47 – John Travolta and his bad hairpiece are here to give out the award for Original Song. He also tripped on that spot. Did someone spill a cocktail? I went with "That's How You Know" from Enchanted. Yeah, Yeah, Disney rules. Live with it.

9:48 – The winner is "Falling Slowly" from "Once." No Disney Oscar. Man….

9:51 – Stewart is back, joking that someone left a 707 parked on La Brea. It's Travolta's. Geez, Barbarino – can't you pick up your toys when you're done playing with them?

9:52 – Steven Spielberg is talking about his Best Director Oscar for Schindler's List. He's still very happy about it, which is okay, I guess. Now will he please go make Jurassic Park IV or something that isn't so damn depressing? (Yes, I am looking forward to Indy Jones IV this May. Maybe he was thinking the same thing I was.)

9:56 – It's John again – bringing the Best Song winner out again to say thanks. They played her off before she could speak last time. That was nice of John to do – maybe she's ovulating.

9:57 – The next presenter is talented and beautiful, or so says John. It's Cameron "I can barely act my way out of a paper bag" Diaz. She's sporting tan lines and a strapless dress. At least we all know it's not a fake bake, and I hope she used sunscreen. Anywho, it's cinematography award time. I went with There Will Be Blood – a movie I haven't been right about yet. Maybe one of these times?

9:59 – Well, I finally got one right for this film. There Will Be Blood wins it. It was another lucky guess for me.

10:00 – We're into this thing for 2.5 hours now. But here comes Horseface Hillary Swank. As you can probably tell, I'm one of the few hetero men in America who doesn't think she's so hot. She's here to give out the dead people eulogy. She's wearing a black dress that would be perfect for any Hollywood funeral, only without the feathers. The dead people role call goes on. And on. And on. There's a smattering of applause here and there. Lots of people most of us have never heard of before, with a few stars thrown in every once in a while. They wrapped it up with Heath Ledger – hmmm, I thought they'd give him his own little section.

10:07 – Amy Adams is here to present the award for Original Score. I chose Ratatouille. Do I really need to tell you why?

10:09 – The winner is Atonement. Wow – there's one soundtrack I won't rush out to buy.

10:10 – While this guy drones on, I added up how many awards are left. 6! I might get to bed before midnight after all.

10:11 – John is here to introduce Tom Hanks. Don't slip, Tom! Tom is here to present Best Documentary Short Subject. But first, here's some soldiers in Baghdad. The soldiers are getting to announce the nominees. That's kinda cool. I chose "Sari's Mother," another movie I haven't seen. I bet these brave GIs haven't seen it other.

10:13 – The winner is – "Freeheld." Nope, haven't seen it. Cynthia Wade, the winner, is crying. The movie is about same-sex marriages. Nope, still haven't seen it. She's very emotional. It's a 38 minute movie. They're very jubilant. Yet I still haven't seen it.

10:15 – Tom Hanks is back, for Documentary Feature. I went with "No End in Sight", which highlights the huge F-up that is Iraq. Those kind of movies deserve to win awards. Anything that puts Bush in a more negative light is good for me.

10:17 – The winner is "Taxi to the Dark Side." Another war movie, this one about prisoners of war. I'll watch it once it comes out on DVD.

10:18 – 4 awards to go!

10:18 – Elton John talking about his Oscar for "Can You Feel My Butt Tonight." Okay, that's not the real title, but that's what it will always be to me…and Mrs. G. Yes, I've officially ruined that song for her. Anyway, Sir Elton is rocking some really special "Something About Mary" hair in the clip. I'm not sure if he was aware that his hairplugs looked like that or not. I sure hope so.

10:22 – Mrs. G. is falling asleep in her chair. I hope this wraps up soon.

10:23 – John is back to introduce Harrison Ford. Yes, they played him on with the Indy Jones theme. Very cool. He's here to give out the award for Best Original Screenplay. I chose "Juno," by Diablo Cody. I just like her spirit. She writes a column now for EW, and she's very snarky.

10:24 – The winner is Diablo! She's got a huge tattoo of a girl on her arm. Not your typical Hollywood image on a chick. Okay, maybe in West Hollywood… Her column about her win will be fun to read, no doubt.

10:28 – Best Actor time. Another clip show, another ghost show. I chose Clooney; that's my longshot choice of the night. I think Daniel Day Lewis will win, but I wanted to throw off the pool. So here's Helen Mirren to give out the statue. Helen always looks glamorous. There are some in La-La Land who should take a lesson.

10:31 – So the winner is Daniel Day Lewis. Duh. Last time Daniel won he had something to do with a left foot. I didn't see it, hence, I don't care. But this time it's a violent movie about oil. Haven't seen it either, but it stands a better chance of ending up on my Netflix list than My Left Foot.

10:37 – Hey, did you know that you can win Heidi Klum's red dress from Diet Coke? I promised I wouldn't talk about commercials, but sakes alive – I'm sick as hell of that ad. We've seen it about 70 times tonight. Sometimes I wish for the power of my Tivo on live shows, too. (I'm just jealous because I'll never fit in Heidi's gown. Curse my stupid muscular and somewhat hairy panda-shaped frame.)

10:39 – Best Director time. And yet another montage. This one hosted by Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau – yep, two more daisy pushers. Here's Martin Scorcese to give out the award. I like Marty's movies – I still say Goodfellas is one of the best movies ever made. But since he's not nominated this year, I went with Tony Gilroy from Michael Clayton. Another one of my outsider guesses.

10:42 – The Oscar goes to the Coen boys for No Country For Old Men. They're racking up quite the set of paperweights, aren't they? Now I have to go see this movie. I would've seen it eventually, but now I have a purpose. A mission from God. (Sorry, I watched "The Blues Brothers" yesterday.)

10:44 – Finally, here's Denzel to give out Best Picture. At last! I went with Michael Clayton again. I saw this one and Juno, so my guess had to be one of those.

10:45 – The Oscar goes to… No Country For Old Men. That's more for the Coens, ain't it?

10:47 – John Stewart just said goodnight. Hooray, it's over. And before 11:00! It's a damn good thing, too. I won't have to go to work tomorrow AM with baggy eyes. 3 hours, 17 minutes. Take out all of those damn Diet Coke commercials, and it'd be about 45 minutes flat. But that's live TV for you.

So in the end I got 9 out of 24 correct. Mrs. G. got 8 out of 24. Not bad for a couple of fans who guessed at 99% of their picks. No Country is a Miramax film, so I guess technically Disney won.

And now I must go to bed. We had our fun, and since we don't have invitations to the Governor's Ball, I suppose I'll just sign off and call it a night.

Yes, it was a wonderful night for an Oscar. Oscar, Oscar. But now it's over, and we can move on to better things. Hey, when's the Kid's Choice Awards?

Nighty, night Hollywood. See you next Wednesday.

Please Don't Feed The Animals.

They say that you should be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

That may be the case in my current world.

Last week I wrote about the joys of our new cubicles. We were able to move a few feet away and escape the noise and crowd caused by the nearby conference rooms. So far, so good, right?

Well, it turns out that we may have inadvertently jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire with our little relocation.

You see, our new row of 6 cubicles is next to a major walkway here, and is one of the first set of actual workspaces you'll come to after coming in the door. We're on the left side of a building divided pretty much in three parts – parts one and three contain cubes, and part two in the middle is all conference rooms, HR offices, and coffee stations.

Several times a day, someone from HR leads a group of applicants, vendors, out of town visitors, etc. on a tour of the building. During the grand tour they take them by the conference areas, the coffee pots, the lunchroom, and then they show them an example of a typical workstation.

Our workstations.

So upwards of 8 times a day I'll look up and see anywhere from 2 to 10 people staring at me, while the tour guide explains that this is what a typical work area here looks like. Two monitors, a computer of some sort, and a book shelf (if you've asked nicely). They'll stand at the end of the row for a minute or so – their visitor badges firmly clipped onto their lapels - and they'll stare at us, like we're subjects in some bizarre workplace experiment…

…or the zoo. Yes, now I know what those pacing tigers behind the steel bars are thinking when they're being stared at all day long.

I wouldn't mind being the demo of the "typical employee" if indeed we really were typical. My department has a lot of leeway that a lot of others groups don't get – we have our own desks (several groups share theirs with their overnight counterparts), and as such we've been able to decorate our workspaces to show our own artistic style. My co-worker next to me has a desk filled with cool Stewie from "Family Guy" paraphernalia. The lady across from me has little plastic horsies. And me? I'm a Disney guy – you all know that. So I'm sure that these poor nervous interviewees aren't getting the "real" picture of what life is like here by staring at us slackers.

My manager has joked that the next time the tour comes by we should all put our feet up on our desks and pretend that we're asleep. I was just thinking I'd sit up and beg for marshmallows.

The Lesser of Two Technologies

So it turns out this week that the long-drawn battle over HD-DVD and Blu-Ray High Def DVDs is over. Thank God – no more bloodshed! We can now all walk hand in hand peacefully.

Okay, maybe it wasn't that dramatic. Sony's Blu-Ray has won out, while HD-DVD will go buh-bye really quickly. Just like 8 tracks, cassettes, VHS tapes, reel-to-reels, and that old standby the phonograph, HD-DVD is quickly on its way to Obsoleteville.

Meanwhile, thousands of people are now cursing their soon-to-be-worthless High Def player.

The Gressel household recently bought a big screen HD TV, but we purposely held off buying a High Def DVD player. I really didn't want to be the guinea pig of which technology would win out, no matter how much the salesman tried to convince us that both formats would be around for a long, long time. (Liar.) Whether or not I now run out and pick up a Blu-Ray player is yet to be seen (probably not), but overall I've been pretty lucky in avoiding the soon-to-be-useless technology:

* My first VCR was VHS, and not the cheaper Betamax.
* I bought a CD burner and not a ZIP drive.
* As a kid I wanted a Laser Disk player; thankfully I could never afford one.

True - I did have a Walkman for my new wave cassettes, but who didn't? It was the 80's – everybody had either a boom box on their shoulder or a Walkman in their ear. (I had both.) It's certainly nothing compared to today's iPods, but it was what we had at the time, and I got a lot of use out of that old tape player.

The sad part is that technology changes really quickly, and the window of opportunity for something to be a hit or not is really short. Back when I started working in the computer industry newer and faster processors came out every month. CD-Rom drive speeds went from 4X to 48X in a matter of a year. (Why can't go much faster than that? It's 'cause the CDs tend to shatter at speeds higher than about 50X. Now you know.) Memory module speeds seemed to double overnight.

We used to figure that your computer will go from being the latest technology to a doorstop in 18 months. But sure enough, there was always some yahoo who had to rush out and buy "the latest and the greatest" every time, even though he only used his computer for Solitaire and user group porn. Remember P.T. Barnum's adage about suckers being born every minute?

So the question remains: are you willing to pay the premium price for untested products that may be worthless in 6 months? Apparently someone is. I'm not.

When (not "if") technology does spin laps around you, well – at least then it'll be your decision to do something about it. Example? I've got all 45 of Walt Disney's animated classic films from 1937 – 1999 lined up on a shelf in my basement (in chronological order, of course). It's an impressive collection.

The only hitch is that I no longer own a VCR, so I have no way to play them. So one of these days I'll have to go pick up a $25 VCR from Wally-World and have it on hand in the event I have a craving to watch "Make Mine Music" again.

Still, they look damn good all lined up neatly on my shelf. And fortunately they're not stacked next to an iCube, an Atari 2600, or a suitcase-sized cell phone.

Musical Chairs

It's moving day – sort of. My team at work was relocated to new cubicles over the weekend. And although we're technically only one row over and one column down (Excel talk!), it feels like a whole new world to me.

The IT department moved us over the weekend, which meant they unplugged our phone and plugged it in at the new desk. Oooh, difficult! Everything else we needed was already there – monitors, docking station for the laptop, external keyboard and mouse. (Although truth be told, I did sneak over and bring my old monitors, keyboard, and mouse with me. The ones on my new desk SUCKED, and I wanted to keep the good ones. Plus, I kept my chair. I finally found one with good hydraulics, no icky "stains", and doesn't kill my back.)

For once I'm actually glad that we moved. Our old cubes were right up next to a large conference room. So all day long people would loiter around my desk, waiting for the conference room to empty out. They'd talk loudly, they'd fill my garbage can with their lunch leftovers, and every once in a while they'd sit on my desk while waiting their turn. Yes, there's nothing like trying to work while there are 3 stranger's asses parked on your desk next to you.

But it was mainly the noise that chased us away. There's a door on the conference room – haven't you rude pigs ever learned how to shut the damn thing? And really – do you need to have the speakerphone cranked up to 11 if you're the only one in the room? Geez.

But that's now in the past – our beloved manager (The Grand Poobah) finally got sick of our whining about the noise level, and cajoled upper management to let us switch cubicle pods with a group of temps. They'll have to put up with the butts and the yakking now instead.

As we hoped, it's much quieter here in the new digs, but it'll take a little time to get used to it. I'm on the opposite side of the hall now, facing the other way. It's like re-arranging your bedroom as a kid and needing a week or so to get used to having your bed facing a different way. And with a little luck this will be the last time we have to move for a while.

Back when I worked for "The Company Who Must Not Be Named Because They Suck", it was common to have to switch desks every month or so. Seriously. In my first two years there, I had only 5 different desks, but some of the people in my group switched seats probably close to 30 times. Managers would come and go, and seating arrangements would inevitably change. (We had 12 managers in 2 years.) Team members would move from one group to another, and then move back a few days later because they hated their new manager/shift/seat/job duties. There never was any real rhyme or reason to all the moves – it just seemed to be on the whim of whoever was in charge at the moment.

The worst moves were when I switched departments and became a full-time writer. It was at that point that our moves became multi-floor. Upstairs, downstairs, flipped around, back upstairs, back downstairs, across the skybridge to the other building and then back again.

We learned to pack lightly.

When we weren't moving, we were preparing to move, since there was always talk that we'd be moved out to somewhere else any minute now. Floor plans were displayed, room configurations were laid out, measuring tapes blazed across doorways and floor spaces. We'd get all set to make the move and then – poof! – someone decided to scrap the whole thing and start over.

So these days I'm pretty flexible about living in a cubicle from 8:00-5:00 everyday. Nothing is ever set in stone in the business world, and you'll never know where you'll be until you get there.
Being able to adapt to change is beyond being a "good trait" – it's a necessity for survival in the world today. Because what you see from your chair today may be completely different tomorrow.

And at least I still have my chair.

Disney Idol!

At long last – two of my favorite things are coming together – Disney and Crappy Reality TV!

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Disney World to create "American Idol" attraction

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Walt Disney World will host its own version of the hit TV show "American Idol" starring park visitors at a new attraction set to open later this year, the Walt Disney Co said on Thursday.

Disney licensed rights to reproduce the Fox TV show, which features a singing competition, in one-day contests in which visitors audition in video kiosks and are selected to perform in shows at the Hollywood Studios theme park in Florida.

As in the TV show, the selected singers prepare with vocal coaches and hair and makeup artists before performing before an audience and judges who vote on the best performances.

The winners of each show compete in an end-of-day grand finale show for a spot in a regional audition for the "Idol" TV show, which is owned by 19 Entertainment, a part of CKX Inc, and FremantleMedia.

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Not since Mr. Reese's introduced his beloved Peanut Butter Cups to the thighs of people everywhere has there been such a sound merger. Simon, Paula, and Randy meet Mickey, Minnie, and Pluto! Although if they really were going to match up the American Idol hosts with their Disney doppelganger, it'd probably have to go like this:

Simon = The Big Bad Wolf, naturally.
Paula = A really wasted Snow White, after a weekend jag with the Hilton sisters.
Randy = Goofy, i.e. the biggest "dawg" in the Disney family.
Seacrest = Donald, because he's the shortest.

Part of me is still wonders how Disney and Fox agreed to get along for this deal; they don't seem to like each other for the most part. But since it's FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment who are really behind the deal, perhaps Rupert Murdock didn't get a say in it.

Anyway, the recently renamed Disney Studios Florida is set to be the home of American Idol: The not-a-ride ride should be a big hit with the teen crowd and their traveling parents.

But one thought comes to mind: In traditional AI auditions, someone has to be told "no". "Sorry, you're not good enough." "Next." I mean, not everyone is going to pass muster – for every one person who can carry a tune, there will be 99 others who are pulling their best William Hung impersonation.

Even if they don't get the full blown Simon Cowell "That's the worst singing I've ever heard in my lifetime" treatment, don't you think someone's feelings are bound to be hurt?

So here's what I can picture happening:

The Desperate family from Butt Scratch, Iowa (next to Sioux City) is at Walt Disney World for their annual vacation. Mom, Dad, Teen Sis, little Bro. Pop Desperate has worked and saved all year for this vacation, so that his precocious little angel can have her shot at superstardom at American Idol.

Meanwhile, Cindy Lou Desperate sings like a broken muffler. Dogs run in terror whenever she sings. Her music teacher at Butt Scratch High School now drinks two pints a day. She, in a matter of words, sucks.

Of course, nobody in her family has ever told her this. You see, Cindy Lou doesn't take bad news very well. Why, the last time someone tried to gently let her down, she locked herself in the bathroom for two days with four boxes of Ho-Hos and a gallon of melted Haagen-Daas.

But there will be no such disappointment for Cindy Lou this time – nope, she's got stars in her eyes, and she knows deep in her heart that Simon (or whoever is filling in for him, since there's no possible way someone as popular as Simon can spend all of his free time at Walt Disney World) will love and adore her and give her TWO golden tickets, because she was that special!!!

So the Desperate family arrives in Orlando, and after checking in to their $39 a night budget hotel on Hwy 192, they hop the bus and immediately run over to Disney Studios Florida. It's audition time! There's no time for looking at Sunset Blvd or a drop down the Tower of Terror – nope, they all know the real reason why they're there.

90 minutes later (no FastPasses), Cindy Lou finally gets up in front of the judges for her moment of fame. She smiles, tries to shake the nervousness out of her body, then she tosses her head back and sings.

Windows crack. Wallpaper peels. Somewhere across the park, Mickey covers his oversized ears in pain. The judges grimace like someone just fed them bad clams.

Cindy Lou finally (and mercifully) stops, and the judges do their best to smile. They talk amongst themselves about the all-important Idol features – poise, stage presence, being a little pitchy, dawg – but in the end it all comes down to…can Cindy Lou sing?

The answer is painfully obvious.

So it's the job of the Disney CMs portraying American Idol judges to break the bad news to the Desperate family. Sorry, dawg – it just wasn't good enough.

CRUSH. That smashing thud you just heard were Cindy Lou's hopes and dreams splattering into a giant mess on Disney's super-clean walkways. (A janitorial crew is there in seconds – it may be heartbreak, but they still have a park to clean.)

So here we are. Cindy Lou is bawling that she wants to go home right now. Mrs. Desperate is trying to console her poor little angel while haranguing Mr. Desperate about how unfair and wrong the judges are. Little Bro is whining that he's been there for two hours and has yet to go on a single ride. Meanwhile, Dad Desperate can only think of one thing – how much money he's spent on a vacation to Walt Disney World that nobody will ever remember fondly.

Now, I know this is an exaggerated tale, but it's found to happen. Someone will get their feelings hurt, and then their parents will blame Disney for ruining their entire vacation.

Don't think it'll happen? Ask any CM how many people have whined to them about it actually RAINING, as if Disney can control the weather. If people think Uncle Walt has the power to stop it from sprinkling on someone's vacation, imagine how they'll react when their crushed children refuse to leave the hotel room the next morning because those mean American Idol people said that they couldn't carry a tune.

I'm also sure that there will be a certain percentage of people who WANT to be told that their singing stinks on ice. How much fun would it be to go home and tell your buddies that "Simon totally dissed me!" For those few crazed souls, a nice, sharp round of barbed criticism will be an E Ticket experience. Those will actually be easy to deal with.

Now, I'm not the world's best singer – I'll admit it. Oh, sure – the fact that I'm no Francis Albert Sinatra has never stopped me from singing little songs to Baby Emmy, the cat, or The Lovely Mrs. G. (You should hear my original composition: "Toes 'n Toes 'n Toes 'n Toes." The baby LOVES it!) I know that I'll never sell a Grammy-winning album, unless the sounds of my gas suddenly become a public sensation.

But I'm also wise enough to know that singing isn't my strongest suit. (Writing sarcastic blogs – that's what I'm truly good at.) Still, when I watch the early round Idol auditions on TV every January, I see a lot of teens who are shocked – SHOCKED! – to hear Simon & Co. tell them that they're not very good. So you know there are plenty of people out there who have no clue that they sound like a dying warthog.

It'll be interesting to see how Disney handles this aspect of the attraction. As far as I know, never before has a Guest gone to one of their shows and been told that they're not good enough to come in.

Lotsa luck, Uncle Iger. I hope you've got an easy solution to his dilemma. Maybe the “non-winners” can go sing “It’s A Small World” for a while – you can call it “practice”.

Here's Looking At You

There are 101 stupid puns/jokes/crude remarks I could make about this picture from Carnival 2008, but I'll be the bigger man and let the photo do all the talking. You can thank me later.

Why Don't You Turn Me Loose - in 100% Cotton

The Lovely Mrs. G. and I survived Van Halen last night. Whoo-hoo – Rock on! Yeah! F'n A!

Actually, as far as concerts go, it was a pretty mellow crowd. Most people there were *old* (i.e. my age or so); there were very few teenagers present, although there were a lot of kids (age 8 – 15, maybe) with their parents/grandparents. (Side note: I wish my Dad had taken me to see Van Halen when I was 10, but there was no chance of that ever happening. None whatsoever.)

Anyway, the concert was great, the experience was worth it, and my ears are only ringing a little today. But there's one more thing I wanted to mention.

I've already bitched about the prices of the tickets. $150 for a floor seat? Well, it's a seller's market. What can you do? So I'll move on from that subject – slightly – and mention the concert t-shirts.

They were selling a retro-style VH shirt last night that was pretty cool. It was the old baseball style shirt – dark sleeves, VH logo in the middle – the type I lived in back in my teen years. I thought it'd be cool to pick one up and be instantly transported back in time 25 years.

So what's the problem?

I'll tell ya what the problem was.

They were $50.

Look, I'm not a total cheapskate – ask the Lovely Mrs. G; she'll vouch for that. But I just couldn't see dropping 50 bucks on a concert shirt, just to say I did. Oh, sure – I've got Disney shirts that ran me close to that price, but 50 clams for a concert T of questionable quality just seemed like too much, man.

Who knows – maybe I am a tightwad at heart.

It wasn't always that way, though –back in the Ancient 80's I used to own a stack of concert shirts. It was a ritual to pick one up at every show, and then wear it to school the next day, just to prove where you'd been. It was more like an unwritten rule – you go to the show, and then you show off the evidence the next morning in class. Then you'd nod at other dudes in the hallway wearing the same shirt and sleepy smile – yeah, man – I was there, too.

My favorite concert Ts from 1982-83 were my Journey Escape shirt (mainly because a girl I liked seemed to fawn over it) and my Def Leppard Pyromania shirt (for the same reason, only a different girl). I also had an AC/DC shirt, a Cars shirt, a Hall & Oates shirt, and a Neil Diamond shirt – but we don't like to talk about that last one. (I may have had a wide variety of musical tastes, but it's kind of embarrassing to mention now.)

But by far my favorite concert T was from the Loverboy show in 1983.

It was the baseball jersey style, with hot pink sleeves and a white front. Loverboy's hit album at the time was called "Keep it Up". On the front of the shirt it had the band, complete with those stylish headbands of theirs. Hey, it WAS the 80's.

And printed across the back of my favorite concert T, in large, hot pink lettering that matched the sleeves, was the following phrase: "LOVERBOY. Get It Up, Keep It Up."

I loved that shirt.
But my dear, sweet, God-fearing Mother? She HATED it.

Mrs. Gressel the Maternal hated my Loverboy shirt with a passion, mainly because of the semi-filthy double-entendre expression printed across the back. She nagged, whined, and guilt-tripped me every time I wore it about how disgusting it was. She'd point it out at every opportunity, and twice as often when it was in the laundry and she had to actually touch it. (I'm surprised it was never "lost" in the wash, to be honest.)

She'd even go as far as to make "THE FACE" – you know, the look all teenagers see from their parents from time to time. The Face that's a half-scowl, half pursed lips. The Face that says "I am not amused, and you shouldn't be, either." The Face that leaves smart-ass teenaged boys with two options: Either give in to her parental cajoling, or totally ignore it, driving her even crazier.

I chose the latter.

Yes, I proudly wore my Loverboy: Get It Up, Keep It Up shirt all throughout my senior year and into college. I wore it at every opportunity, where it was especially popular at church socials, family gatherings, and other public events. I wore it until the hot pink sleeves had faded away and there were holes the size of Mike Reno's leather-clad butt in it.

Finally, the sad day came – my Loverboy shirt ended up in the rag box. It was unceremoniously cut into strips, and ended up cleaning various messes around the house.

I remember finding the once-hot pink sleeves in the rag box one day, but for some odd reason I never did find the part with the "Get It Up, Keep It Up" writing on it. I suspect that to this day it's still buried somewhere in the backyard.

So I didn't get a Van Halen shirt last night, and my youth in concert Ts is forever preserved in my happy memories. Nowadays I have to wear polos and collared shirts more often than not, but that's okay, though – it was fun while it lasted.

But if I could somewhere find another hot pink Loverboy shirt, you just know I'd buy it. And then I'd go see my Mom.

(Follow-up: After writing this, I found one on eBay. Too bad it's only a small, but at least you'll get to see what I'm talking about. Hey, the kid is hot tonight!)

Never Fear - Underdog is Here!

Congrats to the NY Giants for keeping Tom Brady's collossal ego in check. Heh, heh.

I guess the Mayor of Boston is going to have to cancel that "victory parade" he booked last week, ain't he? 'Cause the Pats probably aren't in the mood to celebrate their ass-whooping.

As a lifelong Seattle Seahawks fan, I always tend to root for the underdog. Hell, Seattle is an 11-man team of underdogs. So it's nice to see the little guys win one for a change.

Of course, Eli Manning shouldn't get *too* used to my praise. Next September I'll be right back to rooting for my hapless SeaMonkeys.

But until then, it's good to see that there's no such thing as a sure thing, no matter how much you may think so.

Liars, Inc.

Have you ever noticed how I NEVER ONCE referred to my former employer by name?

Well, that's all about to change.

Lately I've been calling them "They Who Shall Not Be Named Because They Suck", but I'm really starting to think that they no longer deserve such courtesy. They suck – that much is true. But when they're pure out-and-out jerks to their few remaining employees, then they deserve to be called on the carpet for their lousy ethics and total jerkiness.

I'll let the below news article explain why I'm outing them. Be sure to note the portion I put in bold, and keep this in mind the next time you shop for a new computer.

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Acer Cutting 130 Jobs In North Sioux City

What was once the largest employer in the Sioux City area is laying off even more people. On Wednesday we learned that Acer which bought out Gateway computers is cutting 130 jobs.

Most of those positions come from Gateway's "BestPractices Center" and include tech support and management jobs. Workers learned of the mass layoff this morning at the company's plants in North SiouxCity, South Dakota and Irvine, California.

Back in October, Acer chairman and C-E-O J-T Wang told business week magazine that none of the Gateway jobs would be cut. Another company official told North Sioux City employees that their jobs weren't in jeopardy and newly laid off employees say that even management was shocked by today's news.

Gateway and Acer have agreed to pay the laid off workers through the end of March though they are no longer required to show up for their jobs.

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See what I said about "jerkiness"?

Truth be told, this isn't the first time that The Cow lied to their employees about layoffs. After a tense 18 months of uncertainly and sporadic job cuts, Ted Waitt, the founder/former CEO stood in front of us at a town hall meeting in November, 2003 and promised that there would be no more layoffs. "Those days are over, and I promise you there will be no more cuts." People stood and cheered – there was applause, hugs, tears, and a general sense of relief.

Seven days later, on December 3, Teddy & Co. fired 5,000 of my co-workers. That was the day we went from 12,000 employees to 7,000, and my little team went from 10 people to 5. Today? GTW has somewhere around 800 people left, compared to the 19,000 when I started 10 years ago.

Lying to your dedicated workers. Shocking, huh? Still, there really was no surprise in me that the Acer-hole management did the same thing to the few good people who remain with the company. In fact, I told the Lovely Mrs. G. in November when I read that they promised no more job cuts that oops – everyone working there had better start typing a resume today.

It's no secret that in most businesses today employees are disposable. They wring you out for everything they can get from you, then they toss you out on the street. Thanks, now get the hell out. So you need to be prepared at all times for the worst, but I know from experience that despite all of the ugliness around you, you still want to find the best in your employer. It's like working for Darth Vader, and hoping he'll come to his senses before the Emperor can get to him.

I spoke to a couple of people I still know there – they totally wiped out the Best Practices Center; i.e. their GTW-based tech support. They spent MILLIONS (literally) starting that up two years ago. I was offered a chance to go work in that group – and I'm damn glad I didn't take it. About 50 of the 130 people laid off were immediate co-workers of mine – a couple of them used to be in my team way back when, and the BPC dept. manager was my original GM when I first started at GTW 10 years ago.

It's a bloody shame what they've done to those people.

I've been fortunate enough to move on to a new employer that treats me with kindness, courtesy, and respect. I LOVE my new job, and I'm looking forward to rocking the socks off of this place for years to come.

I doubt that the new place will ever pull that "Oh, we're not gonna do any job cuts" crap on us, mainly because I think they've got something Gateway sold off years ago – their heart. It was a 180 degree turnaround for me to come to a company that actually cares for their workers. And you know what? I kinda like it.

My heart goes out to my old GTW friends – both current and former – and I hope that they'll be able to bounce back without having to resort to groveling for some awful outsourcer. May you find the happiness at work that I now have.

And Acer management? I hope you live to regret treating people so bad.

The High Price of Rock & Roll

This coming Monday, I'm going to drag the Lovely Mrs. G. into a world of debauchery, hedonism, and loud, heinous, screaming the likes she's never seen or heard.

I'm taking her to see Van Halen.

Yes, believe it or not, my powerful and attractive wife has agreed to go with me to see Eddie, Diamond Dave, and Co. live in concert this Monday night at Omaha's Qwest Center. (And in case you're wondering – yes, I'm going to owe her. Big time.)

Anyway, I'm pretty stoked to finally be able to see Van Halen – the (mostly) original edition, not the muddied down Van Hagar version. Sure, Michael Anthony has scooted on and has left little Wolfie in his wake, but it's as close as I'm going to ever get, I suspect.

I've been lucky enough to see most of my favorite "big" bands in concert at least once over the years – Styx, AC/DC, Genesis, U2, ZZ Top, BNL, you name it. True -- I still haven't seen The Talking Heads (because they broke up), Muddy Waters (because he croaked in the 80's), or Tears for Fears (distance issues), but overall I've done fairly well.

But Van Halen and I always seemed to pass like ships in the night, for some reason. So here I am, at the ripe old age of 42 1/2, off to an old fashioned rock & roll show. Leather pants, big hair, and Bic lighters not included.

Of course, the devil wants his due. There's a price to pay for all of this 30-year old rock & roll rebellion. And in this case, it's not your soul that you'll part with – it's your wallet.

For the "good" seats, tickets to see Van Halen Monday night will set you back $147.50, plus another $11.75 in "convenience charges" and $2.00 for a Building Facility charge. So that's $161.25 – EACH.

Listen -- did Dave just let out that "Yow!" yell because he's filled with musical mojo, or did he howl at the thought of how much cash he'd make?

I hate to sound like an old fogey here, but I remember buying tickets to see concerts for WAAAY less than that. I paid $15.00 to see Journey and Brian Adams in 1982, the same for Hall & Oates a year later. Even Def Leppard (in their heyday) only cost me $30.

But those days are long gone. We won tickets to see Billy Joel/Elton John together in Minneapolis a few years ago – those tickets were valued at $198 each. The Eagles regularly get away with charging upwards of $300 for each ticket. And God forbid you want to see Led Zeppelin if/ when they tour later this year…you'd better apply for a second mortgage now.

You see, in today's market rock & roll has become a rich man's sport. All of us young punks from way back when are now grown 40-somethings or 50-somethings, and the promoters have correctly figured out that we no longer have to scrape together enough gas money just to get to the show. So where they used to charge us pimply kids 20 bucks to attend a concert, nowadays they realize that we're more apt to be parents (or grandparents) with a Gold card or two. We'll gladly fork over whatever it takes to relive our teen years for two hours, and they know it.

Times have moved on, and so have the fan base and the resulting supply/demand of show tickets. Economist Adam Smith would have a field day with this.

Anyway, Mrs. G. and I opted to buy the "cheap" seats, which were still about $75 apiece. We're sure it'll be a good time – or, at least I am – but I doubt I'll spring for tickets like this again anytime soon. Or until The Eagles come to town.

I sure hope it's worth it.