The 2008 Oscars - Live!
Oscars 2008 – The Tom Gressel Live Blog!
Here we go again!
For the third year in a row, here's my real-time Oscar blog. It's just like being there, only without being judged for what you're wearing. And best of all – no commercials! (It's like TiVo for your favorite newsforum!)
Anyway, let's get going --- it's 7:30!
7:30 – An animated opening, featuring Transformers, Aliens, Harry Potter, Grease, cowboys, and the Terminator. Oooh, Oscar gold, via UPS!
7:31 – Live, it's the 80th annual! Thanks to Loreal Paris. (Oops, I promised you no commercials. Sorry about that.)
7:32 – John Stewart. Looking swell in a dapper black tux. God, I hope this thing doesn't go until midnight.
7:32 – Jack Nicholson front row shot #1. Still wearing those dark sunglasses.
7:33 – John's making writer's strike jokes. Get 'em while they're semi-fresh, kids.
7:34 – Psychotic killer movies – the feel good topic of the year. John says "Thank God for pregnant teens."
7:35 – It's time to point out some people in the audience. Does anyone ever look comfortable when they hear their name called out from stage? Not one.
7:36 – Jack shot #2!
7:37 – Johnny Depp, Harrison Ford, Dennis Hopper. All called out. All pretending to laugh and enjoy the attention.
7:38 – John says his stripper name is "Olympia Dudkakis." You use the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on. Mine would be "Ginger 66th Avenue." Not really very stripper-ish, I know.
7:39 – Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him the GOP frontrunner for President. As if! McCain is at least 10 years older than that!
7:40 – Gaydolf Titler! That'll be the joke people remember tomorrow.
7:41 – First presenter – Jennifer Gardner. She's The Lovely Mrs. G's best friend, you know.
7:42 – Costume award. I chose "Elizabeth", although I actually haven't seen any of these movies. It's like throwing a dart at a map and seeing what sticks.
7:43 – The first Oscar of the night goes to… Elizabeth. The Academy loves those damn period pieces. Don't trip over your dress, lady. That stage is slick!
7:43 – Guess what? It's "Let's live it again" time – it's the Best Actress tie from the 70's. Barbra Streisand and Katherine Hepburn. Since Kate is now worm food, they could only interview Babs. Hello, gorgeous.
7:44 – Commercial time. We're not talking about those, now are we?
7:46 – We're back with George Clooney. Mrs. G. WISHES he was her best friend.
7:47 – It's a clip reel – 80 years of Oscar. More self congratulations, with a funny crack from Dudley Moore. We miss Dudley. They even threw in a clip of Rob Lowe singing with Snow White – the musical number that nobody likes to talk about. The only problem is that they're playing Celine Dion yowling in the background. Ick. They wind it up with Charlie Chaplin, who is also worm chow. Sorry.
7:51 – John is watching Lawrence of Arabia on his iPhone. Isn't technology great?
7:51 – Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell. They're in "Get Smart" this summer. Animated Features is their category. Steve thinks he's giving out the award for Best Documentary. Did he just drop a "shit" comment???
7:53 – He did! Well, at least I think he did. Mrs. G. thinks he said "shoot". I guess the press will confirm or deny it tomorrow.
7:53 – Moving on – it's Best Animated Feature. I chose RATATOUILLE!! It should win after it forced me to spell its name, dammit.
7:54 – The winner is…The Rat Movie! You're gotta love Brad Bird. Good speech. He's about to get played off, though. Wrap it up, bud!
7:56 – Katherine Heigl is our next presenter. She bugs Mrs. G., in the Renee Zellwegger mode.
7:57 – Makeup is the category. I went with Pirates of the Caribbean. It's a Disney film. I'm prejudiced that way.
7:58 – The winner is…"La Vie En Rose." Too bad for Jack Sparrow. It's too bad that the lady who won for "makeup" is wearing such bad makeup herself. She's getting played off, too.
8:00 – It's now time for the "Happy Working Song" from Enchanted. John Stewart is trying to sing it himself. But no worries – here's Amy Adams, who sings much nicer. I heard she was really nervous, but she's singing really well. Even Simon Cowell would approve. Enchanted was a really good movie, and this scene with this song was HILARIOUS. You'll have to see it. Trust me.
8:02 – Amy nailed it. She's that good.
8:03 – Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones in clip talking about their his/hers Oscars. Isn't there about a 80 year difference between those two? Talk about a May/December romance.
8:06 – We're back after a you-know-what. Dwayne Johnson, AKA The Rock. Can you smell what the Oscar is cooking? Mrs. G. wants to know who he had to sleep with to get on the show. John, are you paying attention?
8:07 – Visual Effects – I went with Pirates again, for the same reason as I mentioned above. I bleed Disney gold.
8:08 – The visually effected winner is…."The Golden Compass." Another movie I didn't see. Mrs. G. got it right – I lost. Her "pure guesses" are better than my "pure guesses". But at least they're quoting Walt Disney. "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." A great quote. Maybe he's bucking for a Disney job next?
8:09 – Ladies and gentlemen, here's Cate Blanchett, really preggo. Art Direction is her category. I went with "There Will Be Blood," because only God knows why.
8:11 – "Sweeney Todd" wins. Two sharp razors up! The woman who won has had too much plastic surgery. She looks like The Joker! She too got played off.
8:12 – John is sucking up to Cate Blanchett. Maybe it's his kid? It's a joke, of course. A bad joke, but a joke nonetheless.
8:13 – Best Supporting Actor time, after a Danny Kaye led clip. More film of mostly dead people accepting awards that were probably buried with them.
8:15 – Jennifer Hudson is back to give out the award. It's the first time she's been seen in Hollywood since that Dreamgirls movie last year. She's very obviously reading the TelePrompter. I went with Hal Holbrook, because of his age. Give the old man a statue before he kicks!
8:18 – The Oscar goes to Javier Bardem. You knew it was coming, but I was still rooting for Hal. Congrats though, Javier. You're a good actor. But let's see what you're like at 80 and wrinkled up like Hal.
8:22 – We're back after a commer….oops, a pie break. Yeah, that's it. Mmmm, Pie.
8:23 – Now John is sucking up to Javier. What, is he pregnant, too? Here's an Oscar montage to binoculars and periscopes, to fill in for the writer's strike. (Thank God they settled. John said the same thing.) Now they're saluting "Bad Dreams." That was kind of funny. Too bad that didn't make one about "bad movies". That'd kept us here until noon tomorrow.
8:25 – Here's Felicity - oops I mean Kerri Russell, to introduce a song from "August Rush", another movie I never saw. It's a gospel choir. Kerri is wearing lots of diamonds. The gospel choir is not.
8:29 – The choir was pretty good. The young girl who sang solo is probably hoping for an American Idol audition about now. Another 5 years, kid. That's nothing in Hollywood, and you know that sow will still be on the air by then.
8:30 – John is now sucking up to the young girl singer. No pregnancy jokes this time.
8:30 – It's Owen Wilson, proving he's not dead! He's here to give the award for Short Film Live Action. I went for "The Mozart of Pickpockets", a movie I never I never heard of before tonight. Random choices are okay – I've got a one in five shot, right?
8:31 – I won one! Whoo–hoo! Mozart of Pickpockets wins. It's like betting on a horse based strictly on its name, and seeing it win. Can I cash in my Quinella ticket now?
8:32 – It's the Jerry Seinfeld bee, here to give out the award for short animated film. He thinks he's funny – but what can you do. Jerry's been has been pretty much everywhere this winter. I wish someone would just break out the DDT and get it over with. Anyway, I chose "Peter and the Wolf", because of its Disney roots oh so many years ago. That Disney Bias of mine – one of these days it'll pay off.
8:34 – The winner is… Peter and the Wolf! That's two in a row, buddy! The wolf will be proud.
8:35 – Best Supporting Actress clip time. More dead people. Here to present the award is Alan Arkin, who won for last year in "Little Miss Sunshine." He's cool, but not on film enough. I went with Tilda Swinton, even though I think Cate Blanchett is going to win it. I picked Tilda because she was good in Michael Clayton, and because she was the Snow Queen. Yes, more Disney bias. So sue me.
8:38 – The winner is…Tilda Swinton wins. She's an odd looking woman, but a good actress, so there. Her dress is AWFUL, though. She's sucking up to her agent. She says she wants to give her Oscar to him – what, isn't 10% enough?
8:40 – Sidney Poitier talking about his Oscar. He's such a good actor – it's too bad that there aren't more roles for him. I guess that's the price you pay for getting old.
8:44 – The "always fantastic" Jessica Alba. Apparently the announcer never saw "Good Luck Chuck." She gave out the technical awards a couple of weeks ago. Nerds of the world, unite!
8:46 – Good Lord, now Stewart is sucking up to Jessica Alba. More pregnancy jokes.
8:46 – Jack shot #3!
8:46 – Josh Brolin and James MacAvoy together. What is this, Brokeback Mountain II: The Sequel? They're reading movie quotes from the TelePrompter.
8:47 – Jack shot #4!
8:47 – Best Adapted Screenplay – I went with No Country for Old Men. Coen Brothers, oh yah? Yah.
8:48 – The Oscar goes to the Coens! Yah there dontcha know. I still need to see this movie, even though it's nowhere as near lighthearted as Raising Arizona. "Son, you done got a panty on your head." It was a strange acceptance speech – what else do you expect from Joel and Ethan?
8:49 – Academy president Sid Ganis. He's here to give a boring short speech that nobody cares to hear about. Hey, at least he didn't trot out the accountants this year. He's explaining how to pick the nominated films. I'm still jealous that I'm not an Academy member. Why not me? Man, that's a bummer. It might be that I'm not an actor, producer, director, or even a makeup artist. He's extolling on how the secrecy of the ballots is tough. Is it tougher than Survivor? It must be. And best of all - no Probst!
8:52 – Stewart is back, making fun of the Academy's film. He's also introducing Miley Cyrus, who just tripped. She's here with song #3 tonight. It's from Enchanted – "That's How You Know."
8:53 – Kristen Chenowith is singing. I'll admit that I have a small 12-year-old-inside-of-me crush on Kristen – she's got the looks and the pipes. Hey, if Mrs. G. can drool over Clooney, then Kristen is open season, right? She's really good on "Pushing Daisies", and I wish I'd seen her on Broadway. Can someone give Kristen an Oscar, please? Just for me.
9:00 – We're back with John – he's sucking up to the pregnant chicks again. Does he have some sort of sick fetish? Freak.
9:01 – Halle Berry and Dame Judy Dench are announced, but they're not there. (Har, har – another joke.) Filling in is Seth Rogan and the fast dude from Superbad. I don't remember his name, but it doesn't matter. It's Best Sound Editing. I went with "Transformers," because someone has to win.
9:03 – It's "The Bourne Ultimatum" that wins. A good movie, even if the shaky camera work left you a little queasy. That's why they win for audio and not video… They can't remember who to thank. Send them notes tomorrow, guys!
9:04 – It's the same guys again, now giving out the award for Sound Mixing. They didn't drop an F bomb on live television. So that's good sound mixing. I went with Ratatouille, because I liked the movie.
9:05 – The winner is…The Bourne Ultimatum again. Their sound wins twice – does that make it in stereo? Must not - they're already being played off.
9:07 – Wow, is it time for Best Actress already? Either they bumped it up, or the night is going really fast. Yet here it is – the Best Actress clip show. Yes, and lots more dead people.
9:08 – Sure enough, here's Forrest Whitaker to present the Best Actress. I went with Ellen Page in Juno, because if there's one thing the Academy loves, it's a new face. (See Jennifer Hudson's win last year.) Mrs. G. thinks it'll be Julie Christie, who won a zillion years ago. If there's another thing the Academy loves, it's repeat Oscars 40 years apart.
9:11 – So here's the winner --- Marion Cottiard - "the French Chick", as the Powerful and Attractive Mrs. G. just so aptly put it. If there's a third thing the Academy loves, it's a foreign actress. We'll see if she's ever seen in America again. She just thanked Life. I wonder if that's her agent's name.
9:18 – John is playing Wii Tennis on the big screen with the little girl who sang the gospel solo. Wii on a 40 foot high screen? Hey, that's what I'd do. If they'd let me, of course.
9:18 – Colin Farrell, just about tripping. The fourth nominated song, from an Irish movie called "Once". He needs to comb his hair. Colin says that he's "Chuffed". I have no idea what that means. Maybe it means "piss drunk"? Who knows.
9:19 – Here's the song. It's okay, but it's no princess from Enchanted song, that's for sure.
9:22 – Jack Nicholson – on stage! He's removed the sunglasses for now. Jack – does it get cooler than that, even when you read something about his creepy sex habits? We'll try to not think about that. Anyway, Jack is here to pimp a collage of the 79 Best Picture winners. I've seen 55 of the 79; so has Mrs. G. Not bad.
9:27 – Renee Zellweger. She bugs Mrs. G. a lot. Me? I always think she looks like she just smelled a ripe fart. Why is she so popular? Beats me. Anyway, Best Film Editing is the category. I went with No Country for Old Men again. No real reason.
9:28 – The Oscar goes to The Bourne Ultimatum. That's 3 Oscars for this movie – who knew a Matt Damon action movie would go so far? Nice speech – he wasn't played off.
9:30 – John Stewart just said that someone took the lead in their Oscar pool based upon a guess. Funny – Mrs. G. just got that one right…based on a guess. Weird, no?
9:30 – Nicole Kidman – pregnant. Look out, Nic -- a horny John Stewart is backstage somewhere. She's literally dripping in diamonds. She looks like a Christmas tree draped in tinsel. Give her an angel on her head and a string of lights, and we'll be all set. She's here to give an honorary Oscar to Robert Boyle, a Production Designer. He's 97 years old; I hope he makes it to the end of his speech. He was the designer for North by Northwest and The Birds – I hope there's not an eerie, ghostly phenomenon any second now. He's babbling, but they won't play him off because that'd be rude to the honoree. I hope he wraps it up soon – it's 7:36 PM Pacific time – well past his bedtime. Congrats, Bobby – now get off the stage.
9:41 – John is back, threatening to restart the show. NOOOO!!! He's here to introduce Penelope Cruz.
9:41 – Mrs. G. says something crude about Penelope and me. I won't repeat it, because I'm a nice boy. Anyway, it's Best Foreign Movie time. I picked "The Counterfeiters," another movie I never heard of before tonight.
9:43 – And lookie here – the winner is Austria, for The Counterfeiters. Remember what I said earlier about winning the pool based upon a guess? There you go. The movie is about the atrocities of Nazi crime. A feel good movie, no doubt.
9:44 – Patrick Dempsey is here to introduce "So Close", the last of the nominated songs. This one is also from Enchanted. They seemed to have recreated the exact same scene from the movie on stage – the same purple gown, the same foppish tux on him. It's a nice little ballad, but I still like "Happy Working Song" better. Rats and pigeons are more interesting than waltzing matildas.
9:47 – John Travolta and his bad hairpiece are here to give out the award for Original Song. He also tripped on that spot. Did someone spill a cocktail? I went with "That's How You Know" from Enchanted. Yeah, Yeah, Disney rules. Live with it.
9:48 – The winner is "Falling Slowly" from "Once." No Disney Oscar. Man….
9:51 – Stewart is back, joking that someone left a 707 parked on La Brea. It's Travolta's. Geez, Barbarino – can't you pick up your toys when you're done playing with them?
9:52 – Steven Spielberg is talking about his Best Director Oscar for Schindler's List. He's still very happy about it, which is okay, I guess. Now will he please go make Jurassic Park IV or something that isn't so damn depressing? (Yes, I am looking forward to Indy Jones IV this May. Maybe he was thinking the same thing I was.)
9:56 – It's John again – bringing the Best Song winner out again to say thanks. They played her off before she could speak last time. That was nice of John to do – maybe she's ovulating.
9:57 – The next presenter is talented and beautiful, or so says John. It's Cameron "I can barely act my way out of a paper bag" Diaz. She's sporting tan lines and a strapless dress. At least we all know it's not a fake bake, and I hope she used sunscreen. Anywho, it's cinematography award time. I went with There Will Be Blood – a movie I haven't been right about yet. Maybe one of these times?
9:59 – Well, I finally got one right for this film. There Will Be Blood wins it. It was another lucky guess for me.
10:00 – We're into this thing for 2.5 hours now. But here comes Horseface Hillary Swank. As you can probably tell, I'm one of the few hetero men in America who doesn't think she's so hot. She's here to give out the dead people eulogy. She's wearing a black dress that would be perfect for any Hollywood funeral, only without the feathers. The dead people role call goes on. And on. And on. There's a smattering of applause here and there. Lots of people most of us have never heard of before, with a few stars thrown in every once in a while. They wrapped it up with Heath Ledger – hmmm, I thought they'd give him his own little section.
10:07 – Amy Adams is here to present the award for Original Score. I chose Ratatouille. Do I really need to tell you why?
10:09 – The winner is Atonement. Wow – there's one soundtrack I won't rush out to buy.
10:10 – While this guy drones on, I added up how many awards are left. 6! I might get to bed before midnight after all.
10:11 – John is here to introduce Tom Hanks. Don't slip, Tom! Tom is here to present Best Documentary Short Subject. But first, here's some soldiers in Baghdad. The soldiers are getting to announce the nominees. That's kinda cool. I chose "Sari's Mother," another movie I haven't seen. I bet these brave GIs haven't seen it other.
10:13 – The winner is – "Freeheld." Nope, haven't seen it. Cynthia Wade, the winner, is crying. The movie is about same-sex marriages. Nope, still haven't seen it. She's very emotional. It's a 38 minute movie. They're very jubilant. Yet I still haven't seen it.
10:15 – Tom Hanks is back, for Documentary Feature. I went with "No End in Sight", which highlights the huge F-up that is Iraq. Those kind of movies deserve to win awards. Anything that puts Bush in a more negative light is good for me.
10:17 – The winner is "Taxi to the Dark Side." Another war movie, this one about prisoners of war. I'll watch it once it comes out on DVD.
10:18 – 4 awards to go!
10:18 – Elton John talking about his Oscar for "Can You Feel My Butt Tonight." Okay, that's not the real title, but that's what it will always be to me…and Mrs. G. Yes, I've officially ruined that song for her. Anyway, Sir Elton is rocking some really special "Something About Mary" hair in the clip. I'm not sure if he was aware that his hairplugs looked like that or not. I sure hope so.
10:22 – Mrs. G. is falling asleep in her chair. I hope this wraps up soon.
10:23 – John is back to introduce Harrison Ford. Yes, they played him on with the Indy Jones theme. Very cool. He's here to give out the award for Best Original Screenplay. I chose "Juno," by Diablo Cody. I just like her spirit. She writes a column now for EW, and she's very snarky.
10:24 – The winner is Diablo! She's got a huge tattoo of a girl on her arm. Not your typical Hollywood image on a chick. Okay, maybe in West Hollywood… Her column about her win will be fun to read, no doubt.
10:28 – Best Actor time. Another clip show, another ghost show. I chose Clooney; that's my longshot choice of the night. I think Daniel Day Lewis will win, but I wanted to throw off the pool. So here's Helen Mirren to give out the statue. Helen always looks glamorous. There are some in La-La Land who should take a lesson.
10:31 – So the winner is Daniel Day Lewis. Duh. Last time Daniel won he had something to do with a left foot. I didn't see it, hence, I don't care. But this time it's a violent movie about oil. Haven't seen it either, but it stands a better chance of ending up on my Netflix list than My Left Foot.
10:37 – Hey, did you know that you can win Heidi Klum's red dress from Diet Coke? I promised I wouldn't talk about commercials, but sakes alive – I'm sick as hell of that ad. We've seen it about 70 times tonight. Sometimes I wish for the power of my Tivo on live shows, too. (I'm just jealous because I'll never fit in Heidi's gown. Curse my stupid muscular and somewhat hairy panda-shaped frame.)
10:39 – Best Director time. And yet another montage. This one hosted by Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau – yep, two more daisy pushers. Here's Martin Scorcese to give out the award. I like Marty's movies – I still say Goodfellas is one of the best movies ever made. But since he's not nominated this year, I went with Tony Gilroy from Michael Clayton. Another one of my outsider guesses.
10:42 – The Oscar goes to the Coen boys for No Country For Old Men. They're racking up quite the set of paperweights, aren't they? Now I have to go see this movie. I would've seen it eventually, but now I have a purpose. A mission from God. (Sorry, I watched "The Blues Brothers" yesterday.)
10:44 – Finally, here's Denzel to give out Best Picture. At last! I went with Michael Clayton again. I saw this one and Juno, so my guess had to be one of those.
10:45 – The Oscar goes to… No Country For Old Men. That's more for the Coens, ain't it?
10:47 – John Stewart just said goodnight. Hooray, it's over. And before 11:00! It's a damn good thing, too. I won't have to go to work tomorrow AM with baggy eyes. 3 hours, 17 minutes. Take out all of those damn Diet Coke commercials, and it'd be about 45 minutes flat. But that's live TV for you.
So in the end I got 9 out of 24 correct. Mrs. G. got 8 out of 24. Not bad for a couple of fans who guessed at 99% of their picks. No Country is a Miramax film, so I guess technically Disney won.
And now I must go to bed. We had our fun, and since we don't have invitations to the Governor's Ball, I suppose I'll just sign off and call it a night.
Yes, it was a wonderful night for an Oscar. Oscar, Oscar. But now it's over, and we can move on to better things. Hey, when's the Kid's Choice Awards?
Nighty, night Hollywood. See you next Wednesday.
Here we go again!
For the third year in a row, here's my real-time Oscar blog. It's just like being there, only without being judged for what you're wearing. And best of all – no commercials! (It's like TiVo for your favorite newsforum!)
Anyway, let's get going --- it's 7:30!
7:30 – An animated opening, featuring Transformers, Aliens, Harry Potter, Grease, cowboys, and the Terminator. Oooh, Oscar gold, via UPS!
7:31 – Live, it's the 80th annual! Thanks to Loreal Paris. (Oops, I promised you no commercials. Sorry about that.)
7:32 – John Stewart. Looking swell in a dapper black tux. God, I hope this thing doesn't go until midnight.
7:32 – Jack Nicholson front row shot #1. Still wearing those dark sunglasses.
7:33 – John's making writer's strike jokes. Get 'em while they're semi-fresh, kids.
7:34 – Psychotic killer movies – the feel good topic of the year. John says "Thank God for pregnant teens."
7:35 – It's time to point out some people in the audience. Does anyone ever look comfortable when they hear their name called out from stage? Not one.
7:36 – Jack shot #2!
7:37 – Johnny Depp, Harrison Ford, Dennis Hopper. All called out. All pretending to laugh and enjoy the attention.
7:38 – John says his stripper name is "Olympia Dudkakis." You use the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on. Mine would be "Ginger 66th Avenue." Not really very stripper-ish, I know.
7:39 – Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him the GOP frontrunner for President. As if! McCain is at least 10 years older than that!
7:40 – Gaydolf Titler! That'll be the joke people remember tomorrow.
7:41 – First presenter – Jennifer Gardner. She's The Lovely Mrs. G's best friend, you know.
7:42 – Costume award. I chose "Elizabeth", although I actually haven't seen any of these movies. It's like throwing a dart at a map and seeing what sticks.
7:43 – The first Oscar of the night goes to… Elizabeth. The Academy loves those damn period pieces. Don't trip over your dress, lady. That stage is slick!
7:43 – Guess what? It's "Let's live it again" time – it's the Best Actress tie from the 70's. Barbra Streisand and Katherine Hepburn. Since Kate is now worm food, they could only interview Babs. Hello, gorgeous.
7:44 – Commercial time. We're not talking about those, now are we?
7:46 – We're back with George Clooney. Mrs. G. WISHES he was her best friend.
7:47 – It's a clip reel – 80 years of Oscar. More self congratulations, with a funny crack from Dudley Moore. We miss Dudley. They even threw in a clip of Rob Lowe singing with Snow White – the musical number that nobody likes to talk about. The only problem is that they're playing Celine Dion yowling in the background. Ick. They wind it up with Charlie Chaplin, who is also worm chow. Sorry.
7:51 – John is watching Lawrence of Arabia on his iPhone. Isn't technology great?
7:51 – Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell. They're in "Get Smart" this summer. Animated Features is their category. Steve thinks he's giving out the award for Best Documentary. Did he just drop a "shit" comment???
7:53 – He did! Well, at least I think he did. Mrs. G. thinks he said "shoot". I guess the press will confirm or deny it tomorrow.
7:53 – Moving on – it's Best Animated Feature. I chose RATATOUILLE!! It should win after it forced me to spell its name, dammit.
7:54 – The winner is…The Rat Movie! You're gotta love Brad Bird. Good speech. He's about to get played off, though. Wrap it up, bud!
7:56 – Katherine Heigl is our next presenter. She bugs Mrs. G., in the Renee Zellwegger mode.
7:57 – Makeup is the category. I went with Pirates of the Caribbean. It's a Disney film. I'm prejudiced that way.
7:58 – The winner is…"La Vie En Rose." Too bad for Jack Sparrow. It's too bad that the lady who won for "makeup" is wearing such bad makeup herself. She's getting played off, too.
8:00 – It's now time for the "Happy Working Song" from Enchanted. John Stewart is trying to sing it himself. But no worries – here's Amy Adams, who sings much nicer. I heard she was really nervous, but she's singing really well. Even Simon Cowell would approve. Enchanted was a really good movie, and this scene with this song was HILARIOUS. You'll have to see it. Trust me.
8:02 – Amy nailed it. She's that good.
8:03 – Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones in clip talking about their his/hers Oscars. Isn't there about a 80 year difference between those two? Talk about a May/December romance.
8:06 – We're back after a you-know-what. Dwayne Johnson, AKA The Rock. Can you smell what the Oscar is cooking? Mrs. G. wants to know who he had to sleep with to get on the show. John, are you paying attention?
8:07 – Visual Effects – I went with Pirates again, for the same reason as I mentioned above. I bleed Disney gold.
8:08 – The visually effected winner is…."The Golden Compass." Another movie I didn't see. Mrs. G. got it right – I lost. Her "pure guesses" are better than my "pure guesses". But at least they're quoting Walt Disney. "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." A great quote. Maybe he's bucking for a Disney job next?
8:09 – Ladies and gentlemen, here's Cate Blanchett, really preggo. Art Direction is her category. I went with "There Will Be Blood," because only God knows why.
8:11 – "Sweeney Todd" wins. Two sharp razors up! The woman who won has had too much plastic surgery. She looks like The Joker! She too got played off.
8:12 – John is sucking up to Cate Blanchett. Maybe it's his kid? It's a joke, of course. A bad joke, but a joke nonetheless.
8:13 – Best Supporting Actor time, after a Danny Kaye led clip. More film of mostly dead people accepting awards that were probably buried with them.
8:15 – Jennifer Hudson is back to give out the award. It's the first time she's been seen in Hollywood since that Dreamgirls movie last year. She's very obviously reading the TelePrompter. I went with Hal Holbrook, because of his age. Give the old man a statue before he kicks!
8:18 – The Oscar goes to Javier Bardem. You knew it was coming, but I was still rooting for Hal. Congrats though, Javier. You're a good actor. But let's see what you're like at 80 and wrinkled up like Hal.
8:22 – We're back after a commer….oops, a pie break. Yeah, that's it. Mmmm, Pie.
8:23 – Now John is sucking up to Javier. What, is he pregnant, too? Here's an Oscar montage to binoculars and periscopes, to fill in for the writer's strike. (Thank God they settled. John said the same thing.) Now they're saluting "Bad Dreams." That was kind of funny. Too bad that didn't make one about "bad movies". That'd kept us here until noon tomorrow.
8:25 – Here's Felicity - oops I mean Kerri Russell, to introduce a song from "August Rush", another movie I never saw. It's a gospel choir. Kerri is wearing lots of diamonds. The gospel choir is not.
8:29 – The choir was pretty good. The young girl who sang solo is probably hoping for an American Idol audition about now. Another 5 years, kid. That's nothing in Hollywood, and you know that sow will still be on the air by then.
8:30 – John is now sucking up to the young girl singer. No pregnancy jokes this time.
8:30 – It's Owen Wilson, proving he's not dead! He's here to give the award for Short Film Live Action. I went for "The Mozart of Pickpockets", a movie I never I never heard of before tonight. Random choices are okay – I've got a one in five shot, right?
8:31 – I won one! Whoo–hoo! Mozart of Pickpockets wins. It's like betting on a horse based strictly on its name, and seeing it win. Can I cash in my Quinella ticket now?
8:32 – It's the Jerry Seinfeld bee, here to give out the award for short animated film. He thinks he's funny – but what can you do. Jerry's been has been pretty much everywhere this winter. I wish someone would just break out the DDT and get it over with. Anyway, I chose "Peter and the Wolf", because of its Disney roots oh so many years ago. That Disney Bias of mine – one of these days it'll pay off.
8:34 – The winner is… Peter and the Wolf! That's two in a row, buddy! The wolf will be proud.
8:35 – Best Supporting Actress clip time. More dead people. Here to present the award is Alan Arkin, who won for last year in "Little Miss Sunshine." He's cool, but not on film enough. I went with Tilda Swinton, even though I think Cate Blanchett is going to win it. I picked Tilda because she was good in Michael Clayton, and because she was the Snow Queen. Yes, more Disney bias. So sue me.
8:38 – The winner is…Tilda Swinton wins. She's an odd looking woman, but a good actress, so there. Her dress is AWFUL, though. She's sucking up to her agent. She says she wants to give her Oscar to him – what, isn't 10% enough?
8:40 – Sidney Poitier talking about his Oscar. He's such a good actor – it's too bad that there aren't more roles for him. I guess that's the price you pay for getting old.
8:44 – The "always fantastic" Jessica Alba. Apparently the announcer never saw "Good Luck Chuck." She gave out the technical awards a couple of weeks ago. Nerds of the world, unite!
8:46 – Good Lord, now Stewart is sucking up to Jessica Alba. More pregnancy jokes.
8:46 – Jack shot #3!
8:46 – Josh Brolin and James MacAvoy together. What is this, Brokeback Mountain II: The Sequel? They're reading movie quotes from the TelePrompter.
8:47 – Jack shot #4!
8:47 – Best Adapted Screenplay – I went with No Country for Old Men. Coen Brothers, oh yah? Yah.
8:48 – The Oscar goes to the Coens! Yah there dontcha know. I still need to see this movie, even though it's nowhere as near lighthearted as Raising Arizona. "Son, you done got a panty on your head." It was a strange acceptance speech – what else do you expect from Joel and Ethan?
8:49 – Academy president Sid Ganis. He's here to give a boring short speech that nobody cares to hear about. Hey, at least he didn't trot out the accountants this year. He's explaining how to pick the nominated films. I'm still jealous that I'm not an Academy member. Why not me? Man, that's a bummer. It might be that I'm not an actor, producer, director, or even a makeup artist. He's extolling on how the secrecy of the ballots is tough. Is it tougher than Survivor? It must be. And best of all - no Probst!
8:52 – Stewart is back, making fun of the Academy's film. He's also introducing Miley Cyrus, who just tripped. She's here with song #3 tonight. It's from Enchanted – "That's How You Know."
8:53 – Kristen Chenowith is singing. I'll admit that I have a small 12-year-old-inside-of-me crush on Kristen – she's got the looks and the pipes. Hey, if Mrs. G. can drool over Clooney, then Kristen is open season, right? She's really good on "Pushing Daisies", and I wish I'd seen her on Broadway. Can someone give Kristen an Oscar, please? Just for me.
9:00 – We're back with John – he's sucking up to the pregnant chicks again. Does he have some sort of sick fetish? Freak.
9:01 – Halle Berry and Dame Judy Dench are announced, but they're not there. (Har, har – another joke.) Filling in is Seth Rogan and the fast dude from Superbad. I don't remember his name, but it doesn't matter. It's Best Sound Editing. I went with "Transformers," because someone has to win.
9:03 – It's "The Bourne Ultimatum" that wins. A good movie, even if the shaky camera work left you a little queasy. That's why they win for audio and not video… They can't remember who to thank. Send them notes tomorrow, guys!
9:04 – It's the same guys again, now giving out the award for Sound Mixing. They didn't drop an F bomb on live television. So that's good sound mixing. I went with Ratatouille, because I liked the movie.
9:05 – The winner is…The Bourne Ultimatum again. Their sound wins twice – does that make it in stereo? Must not - they're already being played off.
9:07 – Wow, is it time for Best Actress already? Either they bumped it up, or the night is going really fast. Yet here it is – the Best Actress clip show. Yes, and lots more dead people.
9:08 – Sure enough, here's Forrest Whitaker to present the Best Actress. I went with Ellen Page in Juno, because if there's one thing the Academy loves, it's a new face. (See Jennifer Hudson's win last year.) Mrs. G. thinks it'll be Julie Christie, who won a zillion years ago. If there's another thing the Academy loves, it's repeat Oscars 40 years apart.
9:11 – So here's the winner --- Marion Cottiard - "the French Chick", as the Powerful and Attractive Mrs. G. just so aptly put it. If there's a third thing the Academy loves, it's a foreign actress. We'll see if she's ever seen in America again. She just thanked Life. I wonder if that's her agent's name.
9:18 – John is playing Wii Tennis on the big screen with the little girl who sang the gospel solo. Wii on a 40 foot high screen? Hey, that's what I'd do. If they'd let me, of course.
9:18 – Colin Farrell, just about tripping. The fourth nominated song, from an Irish movie called "Once". He needs to comb his hair. Colin says that he's "Chuffed". I have no idea what that means. Maybe it means "piss drunk"? Who knows.
9:19 – Here's the song. It's okay, but it's no princess from Enchanted song, that's for sure.
9:22 – Jack Nicholson – on stage! He's removed the sunglasses for now. Jack – does it get cooler than that, even when you read something about his creepy sex habits? We'll try to not think about that. Anyway, Jack is here to pimp a collage of the 79 Best Picture winners. I've seen 55 of the 79; so has Mrs. G. Not bad.
9:27 – Renee Zellweger. She bugs Mrs. G. a lot. Me? I always think she looks like she just smelled a ripe fart. Why is she so popular? Beats me. Anyway, Best Film Editing is the category. I went with No Country for Old Men again. No real reason.
9:28 – The Oscar goes to The Bourne Ultimatum. That's 3 Oscars for this movie – who knew a Matt Damon action movie would go so far? Nice speech – he wasn't played off.
9:30 – John Stewart just said that someone took the lead in their Oscar pool based upon a guess. Funny – Mrs. G. just got that one right…based on a guess. Weird, no?
9:30 – Nicole Kidman – pregnant. Look out, Nic -- a horny John Stewart is backstage somewhere. She's literally dripping in diamonds. She looks like a Christmas tree draped in tinsel. Give her an angel on her head and a string of lights, and we'll be all set. She's here to give an honorary Oscar to Robert Boyle, a Production Designer. He's 97 years old; I hope he makes it to the end of his speech. He was the designer for North by Northwest and The Birds – I hope there's not an eerie, ghostly phenomenon any second now. He's babbling, but they won't play him off because that'd be rude to the honoree. I hope he wraps it up soon – it's 7:36 PM Pacific time – well past his bedtime. Congrats, Bobby – now get off the stage.
9:41 – John is back, threatening to restart the show. NOOOO!!! He's here to introduce Penelope Cruz.
9:41 – Mrs. G. says something crude about Penelope and me. I won't repeat it, because I'm a nice boy. Anyway, it's Best Foreign Movie time. I picked "The Counterfeiters," another movie I never heard of before tonight.
9:43 – And lookie here – the winner is Austria, for The Counterfeiters. Remember what I said earlier about winning the pool based upon a guess? There you go. The movie is about the atrocities of Nazi crime. A feel good movie, no doubt.
9:44 – Patrick Dempsey is here to introduce "So Close", the last of the nominated songs. This one is also from Enchanted. They seemed to have recreated the exact same scene from the movie on stage – the same purple gown, the same foppish tux on him. It's a nice little ballad, but I still like "Happy Working Song" better. Rats and pigeons are more interesting than waltzing matildas.
9:47 – John Travolta and his bad hairpiece are here to give out the award for Original Song. He also tripped on that spot. Did someone spill a cocktail? I went with "That's How You Know" from Enchanted. Yeah, Yeah, Disney rules. Live with it.
9:48 – The winner is "Falling Slowly" from "Once." No Disney Oscar. Man….
9:51 – Stewart is back, joking that someone left a 707 parked on La Brea. It's Travolta's. Geez, Barbarino – can't you pick up your toys when you're done playing with them?
9:52 – Steven Spielberg is talking about his Best Director Oscar for Schindler's List. He's still very happy about it, which is okay, I guess. Now will he please go make Jurassic Park IV or something that isn't so damn depressing? (Yes, I am looking forward to Indy Jones IV this May. Maybe he was thinking the same thing I was.)
9:56 – It's John again – bringing the Best Song winner out again to say thanks. They played her off before she could speak last time. That was nice of John to do – maybe she's ovulating.
9:57 – The next presenter is talented and beautiful, or so says John. It's Cameron "I can barely act my way out of a paper bag" Diaz. She's sporting tan lines and a strapless dress. At least we all know it's not a fake bake, and I hope she used sunscreen. Anywho, it's cinematography award time. I went with There Will Be Blood – a movie I haven't been right about yet. Maybe one of these times?
9:59 – Well, I finally got one right for this film. There Will Be Blood wins it. It was another lucky guess for me.
10:00 – We're into this thing for 2.5 hours now. But here comes Horseface Hillary Swank. As you can probably tell, I'm one of the few hetero men in America who doesn't think she's so hot. She's here to give out the dead people eulogy. She's wearing a black dress that would be perfect for any Hollywood funeral, only without the feathers. The dead people role call goes on. And on. And on. There's a smattering of applause here and there. Lots of people most of us have never heard of before, with a few stars thrown in every once in a while. They wrapped it up with Heath Ledger – hmmm, I thought they'd give him his own little section.
10:07 – Amy Adams is here to present the award for Original Score. I chose Ratatouille. Do I really need to tell you why?
10:09 – The winner is Atonement. Wow – there's one soundtrack I won't rush out to buy.
10:10 – While this guy drones on, I added up how many awards are left. 6! I might get to bed before midnight after all.
10:11 – John is here to introduce Tom Hanks. Don't slip, Tom! Tom is here to present Best Documentary Short Subject. But first, here's some soldiers in Baghdad. The soldiers are getting to announce the nominees. That's kinda cool. I chose "Sari's Mother," another movie I haven't seen. I bet these brave GIs haven't seen it other.
10:13 – The winner is – "Freeheld." Nope, haven't seen it. Cynthia Wade, the winner, is crying. The movie is about same-sex marriages. Nope, still haven't seen it. She's very emotional. It's a 38 minute movie. They're very jubilant. Yet I still haven't seen it.
10:15 – Tom Hanks is back, for Documentary Feature. I went with "No End in Sight", which highlights the huge F-up that is Iraq. Those kind of movies deserve to win awards. Anything that puts Bush in a more negative light is good for me.
10:17 – The winner is "Taxi to the Dark Side." Another war movie, this one about prisoners of war. I'll watch it once it comes out on DVD.
10:18 – 4 awards to go!
10:18 – Elton John talking about his Oscar for "Can You Feel My Butt Tonight." Okay, that's not the real title, but that's what it will always be to me…and Mrs. G. Yes, I've officially ruined that song for her. Anyway, Sir Elton is rocking some really special "Something About Mary" hair in the clip. I'm not sure if he was aware that his hairplugs looked like that or not. I sure hope so.
10:22 – Mrs. G. is falling asleep in her chair. I hope this wraps up soon.
10:23 – John is back to introduce Harrison Ford. Yes, they played him on with the Indy Jones theme. Very cool. He's here to give out the award for Best Original Screenplay. I chose "Juno," by Diablo Cody. I just like her spirit. She writes a column now for EW, and she's very snarky.
10:24 – The winner is Diablo! She's got a huge tattoo of a girl on her arm. Not your typical Hollywood image on a chick. Okay, maybe in West Hollywood… Her column about her win will be fun to read, no doubt.
10:28 – Best Actor time. Another clip show, another ghost show. I chose Clooney; that's my longshot choice of the night. I think Daniel Day Lewis will win, but I wanted to throw off the pool. So here's Helen Mirren to give out the statue. Helen always looks glamorous. There are some in La-La Land who should take a lesson.
10:31 – So the winner is Daniel Day Lewis. Duh. Last time Daniel won he had something to do with a left foot. I didn't see it, hence, I don't care. But this time it's a violent movie about oil. Haven't seen it either, but it stands a better chance of ending up on my Netflix list than My Left Foot.
10:37 – Hey, did you know that you can win Heidi Klum's red dress from Diet Coke? I promised I wouldn't talk about commercials, but sakes alive – I'm sick as hell of that ad. We've seen it about 70 times tonight. Sometimes I wish for the power of my Tivo on live shows, too. (I'm just jealous because I'll never fit in Heidi's gown. Curse my stupid muscular and somewhat hairy panda-shaped frame.)
10:39 – Best Director time. And yet another montage. This one hosted by Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau – yep, two more daisy pushers. Here's Martin Scorcese to give out the award. I like Marty's movies – I still say Goodfellas is one of the best movies ever made. But since he's not nominated this year, I went with Tony Gilroy from Michael Clayton. Another one of my outsider guesses.
10:42 – The Oscar goes to the Coen boys for No Country For Old Men. They're racking up quite the set of paperweights, aren't they? Now I have to go see this movie. I would've seen it eventually, but now I have a purpose. A mission from God. (Sorry, I watched "The Blues Brothers" yesterday.)
10:44 – Finally, here's Denzel to give out Best Picture. At last! I went with Michael Clayton again. I saw this one and Juno, so my guess had to be one of those.
10:45 – The Oscar goes to… No Country For Old Men. That's more for the Coens, ain't it?
10:47 – John Stewart just said goodnight. Hooray, it's over. And before 11:00! It's a damn good thing, too. I won't have to go to work tomorrow AM with baggy eyes. 3 hours, 17 minutes. Take out all of those damn Diet Coke commercials, and it'd be about 45 minutes flat. But that's live TV for you.
So in the end I got 9 out of 24 correct. Mrs. G. got 8 out of 24. Not bad for a couple of fans who guessed at 99% of their picks. No Country is a Miramax film, so I guess technically Disney won.
And now I must go to bed. We had our fun, and since we don't have invitations to the Governor's Ball, I suppose I'll just sign off and call it a night.
Yes, it was a wonderful night for an Oscar. Oscar, Oscar. But now it's over, and we can move on to better things. Hey, when's the Kid's Choice Awards?
Nighty, night Hollywood. See you next Wednesday.
1 Comments:
Was it just me, or has Harrison Ford been to the Jack Nicholson School of Never Let 'Em See You Sober?
By
Monty, at 11:17 AM
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