Disney Idol!

At long last – two of my favorite things are coming together – Disney and Crappy Reality TV!

* * * * * * *

Disney World to create "American Idol" attraction

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Walt Disney World will host its own version of the hit TV show "American Idol" starring park visitors at a new attraction set to open later this year, the Walt Disney Co said on Thursday.

Disney licensed rights to reproduce the Fox TV show, which features a singing competition, in one-day contests in which visitors audition in video kiosks and are selected to perform in shows at the Hollywood Studios theme park in Florida.

As in the TV show, the selected singers prepare with vocal coaches and hair and makeup artists before performing before an audience and judges who vote on the best performances.

The winners of each show compete in an end-of-day grand finale show for a spot in a regional audition for the "Idol" TV show, which is owned by 19 Entertainment, a part of CKX Inc, and FremantleMedia.

* * * * * * *

Not since Mr. Reese's introduced his beloved Peanut Butter Cups to the thighs of people everywhere has there been such a sound merger. Simon, Paula, and Randy meet Mickey, Minnie, and Pluto! Although if they really were going to match up the American Idol hosts with their Disney doppelganger, it'd probably have to go like this:

Simon = The Big Bad Wolf, naturally.
Paula = A really wasted Snow White, after a weekend jag with the Hilton sisters.
Randy = Goofy, i.e. the biggest "dawg" in the Disney family.
Seacrest = Donald, because he's the shortest.

Part of me is still wonders how Disney and Fox agreed to get along for this deal; they don't seem to like each other for the most part. But since it's FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment who are really behind the deal, perhaps Rupert Murdock didn't get a say in it.

Anyway, the recently renamed Disney Studios Florida is set to be the home of American Idol: The not-a-ride ride should be a big hit with the teen crowd and their traveling parents.

But one thought comes to mind: In traditional AI auditions, someone has to be told "no". "Sorry, you're not good enough." "Next." I mean, not everyone is going to pass muster – for every one person who can carry a tune, there will be 99 others who are pulling their best William Hung impersonation.

Even if they don't get the full blown Simon Cowell "That's the worst singing I've ever heard in my lifetime" treatment, don't you think someone's feelings are bound to be hurt?

So here's what I can picture happening:

The Desperate family from Butt Scratch, Iowa (next to Sioux City) is at Walt Disney World for their annual vacation. Mom, Dad, Teen Sis, little Bro. Pop Desperate has worked and saved all year for this vacation, so that his precocious little angel can have her shot at superstardom at American Idol.

Meanwhile, Cindy Lou Desperate sings like a broken muffler. Dogs run in terror whenever she sings. Her music teacher at Butt Scratch High School now drinks two pints a day. She, in a matter of words, sucks.

Of course, nobody in her family has ever told her this. You see, Cindy Lou doesn't take bad news very well. Why, the last time someone tried to gently let her down, she locked herself in the bathroom for two days with four boxes of Ho-Hos and a gallon of melted Haagen-Daas.

But there will be no such disappointment for Cindy Lou this time – nope, she's got stars in her eyes, and she knows deep in her heart that Simon (or whoever is filling in for him, since there's no possible way someone as popular as Simon can spend all of his free time at Walt Disney World) will love and adore her and give her TWO golden tickets, because she was that special!!!

So the Desperate family arrives in Orlando, and after checking in to their $39 a night budget hotel on Hwy 192, they hop the bus and immediately run over to Disney Studios Florida. It's audition time! There's no time for looking at Sunset Blvd or a drop down the Tower of Terror – nope, they all know the real reason why they're there.

90 minutes later (no FastPasses), Cindy Lou finally gets up in front of the judges for her moment of fame. She smiles, tries to shake the nervousness out of her body, then she tosses her head back and sings.

Windows crack. Wallpaper peels. Somewhere across the park, Mickey covers his oversized ears in pain. The judges grimace like someone just fed them bad clams.

Cindy Lou finally (and mercifully) stops, and the judges do their best to smile. They talk amongst themselves about the all-important Idol features – poise, stage presence, being a little pitchy, dawg – but in the end it all comes down to…can Cindy Lou sing?

The answer is painfully obvious.

So it's the job of the Disney CMs portraying American Idol judges to break the bad news to the Desperate family. Sorry, dawg – it just wasn't good enough.

CRUSH. That smashing thud you just heard were Cindy Lou's hopes and dreams splattering into a giant mess on Disney's super-clean walkways. (A janitorial crew is there in seconds – it may be heartbreak, but they still have a park to clean.)

So here we are. Cindy Lou is bawling that she wants to go home right now. Mrs. Desperate is trying to console her poor little angel while haranguing Mr. Desperate about how unfair and wrong the judges are. Little Bro is whining that he's been there for two hours and has yet to go on a single ride. Meanwhile, Dad Desperate can only think of one thing – how much money he's spent on a vacation to Walt Disney World that nobody will ever remember fondly.

Now, I know this is an exaggerated tale, but it's found to happen. Someone will get their feelings hurt, and then their parents will blame Disney for ruining their entire vacation.

Don't think it'll happen? Ask any CM how many people have whined to them about it actually RAINING, as if Disney can control the weather. If people think Uncle Walt has the power to stop it from sprinkling on someone's vacation, imagine how they'll react when their crushed children refuse to leave the hotel room the next morning because those mean American Idol people said that they couldn't carry a tune.

I'm also sure that there will be a certain percentage of people who WANT to be told that their singing stinks on ice. How much fun would it be to go home and tell your buddies that "Simon totally dissed me!" For those few crazed souls, a nice, sharp round of barbed criticism will be an E Ticket experience. Those will actually be easy to deal with.

Now, I'm not the world's best singer – I'll admit it. Oh, sure – the fact that I'm no Francis Albert Sinatra has never stopped me from singing little songs to Baby Emmy, the cat, or The Lovely Mrs. G. (You should hear my original composition: "Toes 'n Toes 'n Toes 'n Toes." The baby LOVES it!) I know that I'll never sell a Grammy-winning album, unless the sounds of my gas suddenly become a public sensation.

But I'm also wise enough to know that singing isn't my strongest suit. (Writing sarcastic blogs – that's what I'm truly good at.) Still, when I watch the early round Idol auditions on TV every January, I see a lot of teens who are shocked – SHOCKED! – to hear Simon & Co. tell them that they're not very good. So you know there are plenty of people out there who have no clue that they sound like a dying warthog.

It'll be interesting to see how Disney handles this aspect of the attraction. As far as I know, never before has a Guest gone to one of their shows and been told that they're not good enough to come in.

Lotsa luck, Uncle Iger. I hope you've got an easy solution to his dilemma. Maybe the “non-winners” can go sing “It’s A Small World” for a while – you can call it “practice”.