What's For Lunch?

I had THE strangest sandwich for lunch today.

You know it goes sometimes – you order lunch, thinking you're getting one thing, and you end up with something 180 degrees different. You then try to make the best of it, but you're soooo a) shocked b) disgusted or c) creeped out that you end up losing your appetite entirely.

That's what happened to me.

It's totally my own fault, though. Being the lazy guy that I was, I didn't feel like making my own sandwich last night. So I ran into the store and bought a pre-made one from the neighborhood grocery store ("No Frills" – seriously, that's their name), dropped it in my lunch box, grabbed an orange, and called it good. The sandwich was labeled as a "Club Sandwich".

Okay, now when I think of a club sandwich, I usually think of it containing ham and/or turkey, bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo, all on nicely toasted bread. Wouldn't you agree?

It's a sandwich staple served around the world. And usually when you order a club sandwich, you know what you're going to get, right? I mean, you don't order a BLT and expect to find olive paste on it. A club sandwich is a club sandwich the world around. Or at least it should be.

My sandwich, as it turned out, did contain most of the traditional club sandwich ingredients. Oh, sure -- there weren't any tomatoes on it, which is just fine with me, and there wasn't any mayo or mustard included, but it did come with two handy little packets of the condiments on the side. Convenient, no?

There was turkey. And ham. And a little chunk of semi-wilted lettuce. And even a slice of Swiss cheese.

But here's where it went wrong.

You see, technically there was also bacon. But it wasn't "bacon" as you and I would normally expect to find on a club sandwich.

IT WAS BACON BITS.

Yes, scooped in the middle of this otherwise perfectly okay lunchmeat extravaganza was a heaping glob of finely shredded, pre-cooked, overly salted itty bitty bacon bits.

So imagine my surprise when I picked my sandwich up, preparing to take my first bite, and about 4 cups of finely chopped bacon bits proceeded to fall out of it and into my lap. At first I had no idea what this brown pile of ash spewing out of my lunch could be – sawdust? Cock-a-roaches? Confetti?

Nope – it really was bacon bits.

Now, don't get me wrong – bacon bits have their place in life. They're great on salads, and if you're having a loaded baked potato, they'll work there, too.

But on a deli sandwich? Ugh.

After wiping about a pound of B.B.s off of my pants, the bread, the table top, and every surface where they'd managed to escape, I found myself craving a No Frills club sandwich less and less. So I cut it in half, folded the ham & turkey onto one half, and pitched the rest.

So let this serve as a warning to all of you creative chef types out there – the next time you think of substituting out regular bacon strips on a hoagie for a large scoop of shredded pork belly, please don't. I beg you.

The lunch you save may be your own. Or mine.