You Want Fries With That Whine?

Boy, it doesn't make much for some people to get their polyester smocks all in a bunch, does it?

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Restaurant group objects to K-Fed ad

COLUMBUS, Ohio - A restaurant trade group says it is insulted by an insurance company's planned Super Bowl ad that stars Kevin Federline as a fast-food worker.

Nationwide Mutual Insurance Co.'s 30-second spot shows Federline, who is estranged from pop princess Britney Spears, performing in a glitzy music video. However, the punch line is that he's daydreaming — while cooking french fries at a fast-food joint.

The ad amounts to a "strong and direct insult to the 12.8 million Americans who work in the restaurant industry," wrote National Restaurant Association President and Chief Executive Steven Anderson in a letter to Nationwide CEO Jerry Jurgensen.

The commercial "would give the impression that working in a restaurant is demeaning and unpleasant," Anderson wrote.

If the Columbus-based insurer airs the spot during the televised Feb. 4 Super Bowl, Anderson said his organization will "make sure that our membership — many of whom are customers of Nationwide — know the negative implications this ad portrays of the restaurant industry."

A Nationwide executive shrugged off the criticism, saying that where humor is involved, there always will be somebody who doesn't get it. The company doesn't mean to offend restaurant employees, said Steven Schreibman, vice president of advertising and brand management.

"We're not making fun of anybody, except maybe Kevin Federline."

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I just found this line hilarious: "...would give the impression that working in a restaurant is demeaning and unpleasant." Uh, hello? It’s fast food! How can it be anything BUT demeaning and unpleasant???

Face it: You put on a dumb paper hat and a heavy polyester shirt, spend your day standing in puddles of Coke syrup, burn yourself on french fry grease 99 times a day, and have to take a lot of crap from customers who are even dimmer than your 25 year old “in-it-for-life” $6.00 an hour manager!

I speak from the voice of experience. All through high school I worked in fast food concessions for the Seattle Center – selling hot dogs, New Coke, cotton candy, pretzels, and assorted cavity-makers at Sonics basketball games, circuses, rock concerts, and whatever else happened to come to town. It’s been 25 years, and I can still tell you about “dogs of death” and the perils of having a stale beer keg hose break in your face. (Moral of the story: Don’t get pulled over on your way home after that.)

It was a job. Not a horrible job (it sure beat the hell out of working at McDonalds!), but not a great job, either. But it was interesting enough to write about. Perhaps one of these days I will.

I got to meet a lot of nice people, watch most of the 80’s concerts that came through town, and make a fairly nice income in a fairly nice way. Plus, we got two free menu items (except candy) per night! Oooh! What could be better than a free Colossal Dog and a courtesy cup of New Coke?

So yeah – fast food can be an okay McJob for a teenager. But here's a thought: If you’re still 35 and pushing burgers full time, then maybe it’s time to consider furthering your education and expanding your horizons...

Anyway, back to the K-Fed ad. I’ve made it well known that I’m not a fan of this mouth breather, but c’mon – he’s a PERFECT spokesperson for the snot-nosed punks you’ll find behind the counter these days. I mean, sometimes a spade is a spade...

So I hope that the National Restaurant Assoc. chills out a little bit. It’s just a commercial, after all. Crack open a Bud Light, enjoy some Cheeto-s (Britney’s fave, y’all!), and buy a Cadillac on Super Bowl Sunday. You’ll feel much better about yourself.

As for me, I’ll be watching the Ad Bowl with my usual snarky attitude, my lovely bride, and a cranky cat, who is still mad that his Seahawks aren’t playing this year.

Order up – play ball!

Weekend Weather Warriors

You’ve got to love local Sioux City news. Or maybe not.

You’d think that since we’re the 198th largest TV market in the United States, we’d be able to attract a little bit of on-air talent, wouldn’t you?

I mean, we’re the part of the world where every single politician running for President will soon start dumping millions of bucks on ads, trying to convince a stubborn farmer and his fat-ass wife to put down the cigarettes and generic beer for one evening and go out to vote in the caucus.

But as it currently stands, Sioux City local TV news is really fairly pathetic. Perfect example:

Saturday night I’m flipping channels, watching the evening local news. We were supposed to get some serious amounts of snow that evening (which we did), and I was hoping to see what the local forecasters had to say about it.

Sioux City’s weekend news anchors consist of two types: Frumpy housewives read the news, and kids fresh out of college read the weather. In most cases they both last on the air for about 60 days, then they’re either on their way to a bigger market, or they find themselves back to bagging groceries at Wal-Mart.

Anyway, on Saturday night the weekend kid weatherman read his little script, predicting that the snow would begin falling that evening, and would continue though Sunday.

He then tossed it back to the Frumpy Housewife anchor, who smiled and asked this poor kid the following question:

“So...can you tell us why it only snows on the weekend?”

Um...

While it is indeed true that it has only snowed on either Saturday or Sunday lately, does she really expect a 20 year old to have the magical answer to why God has decided to bless us with snow showers only at the end of the week?

I wish he’d given her back a really good smart-ass answer, but he just laughed goofily and said, “Uh – I don’t know.”

No, no, no. Wrong answer! He should have said (take your pick):

a) It’s because I prayed to an evil demigod for it.
b) What do you care – it’s football playoff season!
c) Two words: Global Warming!
d) Why, that’s when the magical snowflake fairies wake up and sprinkle the clouds with happy dust!
e) Just shut up and just read the script, dingbat.

So enjoy the dry weather while you can – because you have 5 more days until the local news will let it snow again.

Looks Like Someone's Having a Monday!

Yeah, I have days that feel like this...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some lovely HTML waiting to be written. But as a bonus, there's some leftover chicken and potatoes in my lunchbox.

Man vs. Beast

Is it possible for a cat to strike revenge on his owner? I’m beginning to think that the answer is a definite YES.

Case in point: This morning I cracked open a can of 9-Lives Turkey & Giblets (mmmmm!) for our two cats, Tasha and Jack. Now, Jack usually has a habit of pushing Miss Tasha out of the way to be the first one at the food dish, and today was going to be no exception, if he had his way.

But fair is fair, and since it’s Tasha who needs the insulin shots every morning, it was her turn to get to the “good stuff” from the can-o’-turkey-bits first.

So I pushed Jack away.

He immediately howled at me, as I fully expected him to do, then he again tried to nudge his way in first.

Nope – My can opener, my rules. I chased him down the basement stairs and let Tasha have first dibs. That ought to show him who is boss. Right?

Fast forward about 15 minutes. I’m sitting at the computer in the basement, reading the morning headlines on Yahoo and enjoying a lovely bowl of Rice Krispies. (What can I say – I’m a simple man with simple likes.)

Along comes Jack, howling at me once again. After 14 years of living with his yowling, I know that when he does this, it’s pretty much a “Timmy’s in the well” Lassie-esque move – he wants something, and wants me to get off my butt and do whatever it is that he wants.

Usually it means “let me out”, but since it’s 18 below zero outside today, I know it’s not that. He wants very little to do with the outside world when it’s below freezing. So I tried to ignore him.

But the howling continued.

So finally I got up, and as expected he ran ala Lassie, looking back to make sure I was following him.

But instead of heading back up the basement stairs, Jack headed for the laundry room, turned around, sat down, and stared back at me.

Sure enough, he had something important to tell me.

On the floor, right next to where my beloved pet was sitting, not 5 feet away from the litter box, was a fresh pile of cat crap.

Jack sat next to his steamer and looked up to me with a smug look. Have you ever seen a cat with a smug expression? Well, you have now. I cursed him out as I cleaned up his “present”, calling him every human name I could think of to describe his bitchy feline tactic. And if it was possible for him to smirk at me while I scooped up his artistic impression, that’s exactly what he did.

So maybe tomorrow morning we’ll have to see who gets to the 9-Lives first. Or maybe there will be a certain black cat with a bad attitude who finds himself outside in the cold after all.

Frosty Wasn't Just a Snowman

Yes, it really is colder outside than a witch's Tiddy Bear...

I've been at work for an hour now, and my feet are still cold. No fun. Now you see why I'm jonesing for the Florida sun? It may be muggy there, but it certainly isn't humid and 18 below...

Show Me Your Tiddys

Have you ever had an idea for a fantastic new life-changing product? Why, you could’ve been the inventor of the hardhat with two beer cans attached. You could’ve been the genius who thought up the Bedazzler. Hell, you might even be Ron Popiel’s long lost nephew.

I’m not, though.

I’m also not the guy who came up with the following amazing TV product – a good idea upfront, but with a name that can’t help make the 12 year old in you snicker.

The Lovely Mrs. G. and I saw this advertised on the Game Show Network this weekend.

So what the hell is it? Why, it’s a teddy bear shaped shoulder strap pad for your car’s seatbelt. As the ad proclaims, “Eliminate Shoulder Strap Pains Forever!!!”

Neato, ain’t it?

But the best part is its name – the TIDDY BEAR. Seriously.

Now, when they advertise this thing on TV, they show all these wonderful people playing with their Tiddy. They slide their Tiddy up, they slide their Tiddy down, they move their Tiddy from side to side.

And oh how these happy people smile! The Tiddy Bear has changed their life! “I just love my Tiddy Bear!” they exclaim. “I don’t know what I’d do without my Tiddy Bear!”

Har har har.

You see, every time they say the word “Tiddy” in the 60 second commercial – which is about 100 times overall – it sounds a lot like another similar word. And the fact that half of the women in the ad place the Tiddy Bear directly over their C-cups (face down at that) leaves very little to the imagination/sense of humor among all of us pre-teens with dirty minds.

For only $14.95, you too can call the toll-free number and have a Tiddy Bear of your very own rushed to you by U.S. Mail. And if you call now, you’ll be eligible for the limited time special – buy one Tiddy, get one Tiddy free!

Tee hee hee!

The online info also mentions these wonderful benefits of the Tiddy:

• For Men, Women & Great for Kids!
• Safe & Fun for Infants!
• Fits Driver and Passenger Sides of all Vehicles!
• Easy Snap On!
• Slides Up & Down & Stays in Place!
• Soft & Cushy!
• Patent Pending Design!

I can’t tell you how much the Lovely Mrs. G. and I laughed and laughed about the Tiddy Bear. It was juvenile, I realize. But man – was it funny.

So be sure to slow that TiVo fast forwarding down this week when you’re watching late night TV. You too might stumble across the Tiddy Bear and a good reason to laugh at the horrific pronunciation of this cute little shoulder holder.

Just be sure to keep the kids away from this toy. At least until they’re 12.

Happy Birthday, King!

Yes, today is (or would have been) Elvis' 72nd birthday. Lord almighty, I feel the temperature risin'... And in honor of this special day, I've included my favorite Elvis photo...ever.

There you go - the King and Tricky Dick. Does it get more surreal than that?

So happy birthday to the one and only Elvis. May the space aliens take you down to Earth and a 7-11 store for a birthday burger or 12. And for all the great music? Why, thank you - thank you very much.

Father Time Catches Up

Try as I may, I just can’t seem to escape the inevitable.

Yes, I’m getting old – on the outside, at least.

For the most part I don’t *feel* old, but it just seems that no matter how much I deny it, Old Age sneaks up and bites me in the ass.

Perfect example? Last Friday I had to attend a Windows Vista seminar. It was led by a nice young blonde woman from Microsoft, who showed us the ins and outs of their latest OS. It was everything you ever wanted to know about Windows Vista, in 30 minutes or less.

Now, I have a history with Microsoft. Not only am I from their hometown (sort of – Seattle and Redmond are just a few miles apart), but I actually worked for them back in 1992, when Windows 3.1 was released.

Back in those days Win 3.1 shipped on 3 3.5” diskettes, or you could get it on 6 5.25” floppies. No CDs, no DVDs, no network downloads. Just a bunch of disks and a really thick manual. But nowadays Windows Vista makes 3.1 look puny – Vista requires a minimum of 15 GB of hard disk space. But you get what you pay for – Vista runs circles around anything before it.

Long story short, after the seminar I stopped up at the front of the classroom to say hello to the Microsoft rep. I told her about how I’d worked at Microsoft when Windows 3.1 came out, and wow – has the operating system come a long way since then.

She then asked, “Windows 3.1. How long ago was that?”

“I started 15 years ago this month,” I answered. “1992.”

“Oh,” she said. “I was in third grade.”

Thunk. That loud crashing sound you just heard was my youth exploding in a pile of unused energy and vitality. In its place came a zillion wrinkles, some liver spots, and an overwhelming urge to yell at kids about staying off my lawn.

So I’m off today to buy some orthopedic loafers and a large bottle of Geritol. If you need me, I’ll be sitting with “the boys” in front of the hardware store, complaining about the weather, politics, and the lack of respect those young hooligans give people “our age.”

Nah – it’s really not that bad. As long as I stay young on the inside, then I’ll be young forever. Isn’t that the way it goes? So no more AARP-induced whining from me. I’ll remain youthful as long as I humanly can.

But if you’d like to join me for dinner to discuss it further, I’ll meet you at the cafeteria at 4:00 PM sharp. I’ve got a 10% off senior discount card that we can all share. Don’t be late.

Everything Old is Old Again

There’s exciting news out there for those of us that are children of the 80’s – yet another rock & roll band from our teen years is talking about a reunion tour: The Police.

So now we’ll get Sting & Co. back on the road, where they’ll be joined by “reunited ‘cause it feels so good” musicians such as Genesis, Wham!, The Stooges, plus already back & touring bands (Eagles, Stones, The Who, you name it.) But is it a good thing?

Three thoughts:

First, I want a true Police reunion tour, and not a couple of Police songs mixed in with “Sting’s Greatest Crap from the 90’s.” I really liked The Police, but Sting’s solo stuff (and mega-ego) always made me boot.

Second, what do you suppose they’re going to gouge us for tickets? I have a bad feeling...

The Stones were charging something like $350 or so for some seats, and the Eagles have a reputation for ticket prices that would make your head spin. Hell, when the Lovely Mrs. G. and I went to see Billy Joel and Elton John a couple years back (I won tickets), the face value on those seats were $198.00. Each.

I may be old(er), but I still remember when concert tickets were about $20 each. I doubt it’ll be that cheap again.

Third, will it be worth it? I mean, I’ve seen footage of Def Leppard’s last tour on TV - those guys are looking RAGGED. And if you’ve seen the pictures of Eddie Van Halen floating around, you’ll see what a hard-livin’ life can do to a fella.

So can these now-pushing-60 (and beyond) rockers still find the energy to perform decently for two and a half hours, especially after they haven’t played in front of 20,000 people in twenty years? We’ll see. Sinatra performed well beyond the time he should’ve given it up, and the Stones have to use Tele-prompters to remember their words. I’d rather keep my memories intact than see a once-great band become decrepit.

Still, if the reunited Police happened to come to town anywhere near here (‘cause we all know they’ll never play here in Sioux Frickin’ City), I’d have to consider going, provided I didn’t need to take out a second mortgage to afford tickets. I’d go see Genesis, too.

But what’s the one old band that I’d love to see back together again more than any of these guys? That’d be the Talking Heads. As much money as there is floating around for these old 80’s acts, you know it’s probably in the works. (So get on it, David Byrne!)

But for now I’ll just keep listening to my old 80’s CDs, and maybe for old times sake I’ll dig out the cassette versions, too. But no - I don't have any 8-tracks.