Be There - But Be More Than One Square.

It’s been said that I’m a fairly liberal guy, and I’ve even been accused of being a “West Coast Tree Hugger” every now and then by my narrow-minded conservative friends.

And maybe it’s true. Yes, I do like nature the way it is, and yes – I’d like to see more trees than strip malls in the future.

But sometimes? Sometimes I think the whole conservation effort gets taken to extremes. Like this example:

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Sheryl Crow Takes a Swipe at Toilet Paper Use

In an effort to help save the environment, U.S. singer Sheryl Crow is calling on everyone to limit the amount of toilet paper used "in any one sitting" to one square.

"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting... We can make it work with only one square per restroom visit."

Crow acknowledges there could be occasions when the one-square limit might not suffice, such as "on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required."

She writes that when she presented the idea to her younger brother, he went a step further, suggesting that people could "just wash the one square out."

Crow's other green ideas include a clothing line she has designed with a detachable "dining sleeve" that can be used as a napkin, thereby saving on the use of paper napkins.

"I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating," she writes.

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Wow. Is she serious??? I mean, I realize that Sheryl Crow is a size 0 waif-like rock star and all, and probably has enough money in her savings account to hire an underfed third-world starving child to come wipe her backside with organically grown hemp cloth if she so desires.

But one square? Really? That’s it? Oh, honey – you just don’t know. You really just don’t know.

She’s obviously never lived with a regular guy. Us all-American dudes out here appreciate the finer things in life – margaritas, pizza, hot wings, bacon double cheeseburgers, and the ability to have enough of Mr. Whipple’s finest product on hand when needed. You can’t take all of that on with only a 5-inch square of two-ply!

Oh, and I just love how she refers to “those pesky occasions” when you can use two or three squares. Oh, gee – MAY I??? I tell you what, Sheryl. Come on over to Casa De Gressel. I’ll whip you up a big batch of chili, some tacos, and maybe some carryout specialties from the “House of the Weird”. (Sioux City’s fine dining establishment ‘Coyote Canyon’ – where you get dinner AND a show, mainly from the oddballs who patronize the place.) We’ll see how many squares you need after that, won’t we?

I’m sorry, Miss Nutty Crow. I love the music, but hate the suggestion. I’ll keep recycling my cans and newspapers, and I won’t buy anything that contains chlorofluorocarbons. But I’m keeping my T.P. right where it belongs....

...you can thank me the next time we shake hands.

How the Mighty Have Fallen

I went to the world's worst restaurant for lunch today - my employer's cafeteria. I usually avoid eating in there, but I really wanted a salad, and figured that helping myself to a bowl from the salad bar was relatively harmless.

So while I'm in there, adding some really hot red onions and semi-soggy green peppers to the lettuce, I look over behind the grill station to see who is working today. Being a crappy outsourced cafeteria, they tend to have revolving workers, most of whom look like they're on work release from the Woodbury County jail.

Anyway, I glance over, and just about dropped my croutons when I saw who was working there, plating up limp macaroni and cheese.

It was Doug.

Now, I realize that my telling you "it was Doug" will mean absolutely nothing to you, so allow me to elaborate. I worked with Doug at this very same company about 9 years ago. We weren't on the same team, but thanks to the power of cross-training I had to spend more than my fair share with ol' Dougie. And while I wish I can tell you that I enjoyed my time interacting with him, that would be a great big Pinocchio-sized lie.

You see, Doug was a pompous ass. (And that's being kind.) He was rude, he was arrogant, and he was unclean. (Bathing regularly and using strange elixirs such as "laundry soap" and "deodorant" were foreign concepts to him.) He was a senior technician at the time, and he used his 5 ounces of authority to heft around his 350 pound frame, making sure to make everyone's day a living hell. EVERYBODY hated working with him.

Doug was also one of those guys who thought he was set for life. He had his semi-supervisory title, a little bit of knowledge in his field of expertise, a solid, consistent work schedule, stock options, 3 weeks of PTO every year, and very little to do, besides criticize the work of others. He didn't work very hard, because he didn't have to. After all, that's what the underlings were for, right? So he rested on his laurels, took the easy route, and assumed he was going to be okay, no matter what.

Oops. Wrong assumption.

When our employer's world crashed down hard in 2001 and 2002, Doug (and several thousand of our co-workers) found themselves on the receiving end of the proverbial pink slip. It was one fell swoop - poof, they were gone, replaced by technicians in India for less than one fifth the price. The staff (both those remaining, like me, and those just laid off) went through the usual shock that a major shakeup like this produces, but eventually reality settled in for most everybody, and they took the steps needed to get on with their lives.

But not Doug. For the next couple of years I'd see him in the front lobby every time they had a job fair. (Some departments started hiring again, but technical support was long gone.) He still had that same swagger going - the arrogant look of someone who thinks that his bowels only produce gold bars. He never dressed up for the interviews, he still didn't look like he'd bathed, and he still joked with people who knew him that "it was only a matter of days" before he'd be back, bigger and badder than ever. Just you wait and see.

The last time that I saw Doug was about 4 years ago. This is, until this afternoon, where he was now wearing a green apron, a hairnet, and plastic gloves, and serving up slop on a paper plate.

Now, a very small part of me really wanted to walk up to him, point, and laugh. "Ha, ha! Nice hairnet, you poor miserable bastard!" But that would have been unnecessary and exceptionally mean, don't you think? So I kept my manners and didn't do anything that rude.

Besides, Doug doesn’t need me to tell him that he's sunk mighty low. You could see it all over his face - embarrassment, shame, defeat. He'd cut his hair since I last saw him, and it looked like he maybe had showered recently, but you could read his facial expression and know everything there was to know.

The Mighty Dougie had definitely struck out.

In today's ever-changing workforce, it's critical to do three things: 1) Be prepared for change, 2) Keep your skills tip-top, and 3) Never, ever assume that you're the golden boy; the one who is totally invincible from the evils of restructuring. There's a reason why I work full time and go to school at night, and there's a reason why I work so hard to know everything there is to know about our industry. I work my butt off to learn everything that I can, and I'm constantly looking to see what other opportunities are out there for a person with my skills, abilities, wit, charm, eloquence, and handsome good looks. (Yeah, pile it on, Gressel! Pile it on!)

Seriously though, your career path is totally up to you. Employers aren't going to hold your hand and guide you through 40 years of guaranteed service any longer. You have to make your own magic, and be ready to use it when the need arises.

Me? I'm ready. And with a little hard work and a sprinkling of pixie dust, I'll be able to make my leap into the next chapter of my career within the next four or five months. As for Doug though, I'm afraid he looks to be forever embedded in a world filled with tater tot casserole and heat & eat entrees.

The world is your oyster - it's up to you to search for the pearl, or be stuck grinding shells. (How's that for an analogy?) Take it from me: make your own magic, and you’ll be much, much happier.

Rock and Roooooool!!!

The newest Rolling Stone magazine has a list that caught my attention - because it focuses on music that is (for the most part) right up my alley. You see, I'm musically stuck in the past. I find it perfectly acceptable to listen to my old 80's stuff over and over again, whereas the Lovely Mrs. G. finds my musical tastes to be...how shall we say...crap.

So it's nice to see a little re-affirmation for my preferred musical genre. And here it is:

Rolling Stone’s List of the 25 Undisputed Guilty Pleasure Bands

Full Disclosure: I actually like only 22 of the 25 acts. The other 3? I CAN'T STAND THEM. So I'm not a total sucker. Here they are, along with my totally biased, totally stuck in the 80's opinions.

25. Britney Spears. Poor Brit - known more these days for her Kojak look and her poor choice in men than her musical talent. I liked "Hit Me Baby One More Time" when it first came out, but I absolutely HATED HATED HATED "Toxic" and "I'm a Slaaaaaaave For You". So there is a mix of bad with...bad.

24. Hall & Oates. I still regularly play my copy of "Big Bam Boom" from 1984. Is that really so wrong? God, I hope not.

23. Air Supply. My hated act #1. I'm all out of love for these wimps.

22. Kansas. There's more than "Dust in the Wind" to this band - trust me. Plus, how many acts do you see on stage featuring a guitarist wearing an eye patch? It's like Rockin' Kansas Pirates!

21. Lionel Richie. He's okay, but I still say he was better in the Commodores than as Nicole's daddy.

20. Poison. What can you say about four guys who live the life of sex, drugs, and rock & roll? Well, now that they're all in their mid 40's, I guess you can say "pathetic". Proof that you can't bottle your youth, no matter how hard you try.

19. REO Speedwagon. I've actually seen Oreo Chuckwagon in concert three times, and every time I've noticed that lead singer Kevin Cronin likes to talk between songs. He talks a lot. Really - a lot. The guy must really dig the sound of his own voice. Still, they're a good live band, and they'd even be better if Kevin would just shut up and sing.

18. Wham! This is probably the number one band that Mrs. G. and I disagree over. I personally LOVE my old Wham! UK (later known as Wham!) cassettes, while Mrs. G. makes gaggy faces at the mere thought. But you know what? I've simply adopted the philosophy of Mr. Michaels and Mr. Ridgely and have decided to "Give a wham, give a bam, but don't give a damn." You bet!

17. America. What the hell does it mean when you admit that you've been to the desert on a horse with no name? I'm not sure, but I still like their Ventura Highway song.

16. Kelly Clarkson. Mrs. G. teases me about my Kelly Clarkson obsession (it's really not an obsession - it's more of an "admiration of talent", but I'll never be able to convince Mrs. G. of that), but I'd much rather listen to Kelly's songs over and over again than Avril or Pink or any other Britney-wannabes. So there.

15. Simply Red. Weren't they just a one hit wonder? I don't think I can name anything other than that long drawn out song of theirs.

14. Eddie Money. The Money Man Rocks! He seems to play in the Sioux City area on a regular basis, usually at things such as street fairs or minor county fairs. He's not packing them into Giants Stadium anymore, but at least he's still got a career that doesn't involve selling insurance or opening grocery stores.

13. Styx. I'm not afraid to admit it. Styx is still my favorite band of all time. People mock them for Mr. Roboto, but think about it - there really was a lot of fantastic music generated in the 30 years that they were together. I've seen Styx 5 times live, and have listened to their albums hundreds of times. I know most of their lyrics by heart, and I've personally found deep meaning in their songs. So say what you want, but Styx still rules. Domo Arigato.

12. Motley Crue. The Crue is okay, but aren't you like me and really, really surprised that they're all still alive and/or out of jail?

11. The Monkees. When we were kids my sister and I used to have battles over the TV remote control every afternoon. I wanted to watch "Batman"; she wanted to watch "The Monkees". It usually de-evolved into a fistfight and one of us (usually me) in trouble. So I was somehow forced to watch Davey, Mickey, Peter, and Mike. I appreciate some of their music, but let's face it - it really hasn't held up to time in the same way that "Sargeant Pepper" did.

10. New Edition. Hated band #2. New Edition and Bobby Brown are the reason why I stopped listening to pop music in the late 80's. Icky, icky, icky.

9. Bon Jovi. I'm not the world's biggest Bon Jovi fan - I don't own nearly enough demin, spandex, and hair mousse to even come close - but I'll still listen to "Wanted Dead or Alive" if it comes on the radio.

8. Bread. Hated band #3. I have absolutely nothing nice to say about Bread. Okay, maybe this: If every single recording made by Bread ever produced was to suddenly burst into flames, that'd be nice.

7. Foreigner. I too am hot blooded. Check it and see!

6. Boston. They would've been better if they weren't overplayed so damn much. And I still say that "More Than a Feeling" is the same music as "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Can anyone disprove it?

5. Chicago. Aren't they up to Chicago DLXXVIII by this point? Chicago is one of those bands that I can take or I can leave, depending on the day. Maybe if they were play "All That Jazz" or "Mr. Cellophane", I'd listen to them more.

4. ABBA. I've never understood the massive love of ABBA. It's probably because they walked away before they had expired; something that most artists would never do. The biggest problem I have with ABBA is that they're associated forever with disco, and we all know what disco does. (It sucks, kids. It sucks.)

3. Journey. Journey (with opening act Bryan Adams) was the first rock concert I ever went to, way back in 1982. They were good, and I'm glad to see that they're still successful even after Steve Perry copped an attitude and bailed on them. Still, I really think that the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ought to just take one year and admit Journey, Styx, Foreigner, and REO Speedwagon at once. That'd be cool.

2. ELO. I've always compared Electric Light Orchestra to Boston - loud, brash, and overplayed. But they were one of the first albums I ever bought as a kid, so I have to give them credit where it is due.

And at number one...

1. Rush. I quite honestly never knew who Rush was until Geddy Lee sang about taking off in the Great White North with Bob & Doug McKenzie. Nowadays I like Rush all right, although they're not the end-all, beat-all of power ballad trios. My buddy Dan though is a huge Rush Head, so I'm careful to not mock his favorite band in his presense. I'd rather not hear his anti-Styx retaliation, which would come to blows. Tom Sawyer vs. Mr. Roboto. It wouldn't be pretty.

So there you have it. Oh, and if I was to replace those 3 suck-ass bands with more deserving ones, I'd add...

Wang Chung
Men At Work
Frankie Goes to Hollywood

...but once again they never asked me.