The 2007 Academy Awards - Live Blog!
It’s a wonderful night for an Oscar! Oscar, Oscar!
7:30 PM – Sunday, February 25, 2007. Here they come!
7:30 It’s the “movie guy” as announcer. In a world where award telecasts never end…
7:31 - Here’s the opening bit: It’s actors and directors and other people in the movies who may or not be famous. They’re talking about stuff. Nothing in common, just talking. Clint Eastwood, Steven Spielberg, Peter O’Toole. They’re just jumping from line to line. Very odd.
7:34 – There’s our first audience shot. All of the nominees are standing up.
7:36 – Where’s Jack? Usually we’ve seen Nicholson once by now.
7:36 – It’s Ellen, in a purple leisure suit/tux. Ugh. How many felts had to die for that?
7:37 – There’s Jack, and he’s shaved his head! Who does he think he is – Britney?
7:38 – Ellen is babbling. She’s looking more and more like Hilary Clinton every day, isn’t she? She says it’s the most international Oscars ever. Ole!
7:40 – She’s still babbling. Now she’s teasing the nominees about being nervous. Can’t we move on with it?
7:41 – Jack shot #2! Still bald.
7:41- She just pointed out Abigail Breslin, who looks like she’s wearing her Easter basket.
7:42 – There’s Al & Tipper Gore! Hollywood’s hottest couple.
7:43 – “If there weren’t blacks, Jews, or gays, there wouldn’t be any Oscars”. That’s Ellen’s theory du jour. I don’t know what to make of that.
7:43 – A gospel choir just joined Ellen, and they’re dancing in the aisles. Instead of praising God, they’re praising overpaid actors. Someone is going to get struck with lightning for that one.
7:44 – Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig are our first two presenters – he looks like Bond! Award #1 is for Art Direction.
7:45 – Our first Oscar tonight goes to Pan’s Labyrinth. A movie I’ll never see.
7:47 – It’s Maggie Gyllenhall, in navy blue. She’s here to talk about her off-screen party of award winners, people not cool enough to get on stage here. Computer nerds make good.
7:49 – Oh crap - it’s a Debbie Allen dance number! I can feel it coming on!
7:49 – Time for a commercial. Thank goodness – I need to stand and stretch.
7:52 – 22 minutes into this telecast, and only one award dished out so far. God, it’s going to be a long night. I’m usually asleep by 10:00. C’mon, guys – let’s move!
7:53 – Will Ferrell is going to sing. He’s sporting an afro that Jules from Pulp Fiction would love. Jack Black just joined him. Jack needs a shave. Now John C. Reilly is singing to them from the audience. Yet another non-nominee. I just thought I’d point that out. Their song is about comedians never winning awards. They certainly won’t win anything for this tune.
7:56 – Now they get to give out the award for Achievement in Makeup. The winner is…Pan’s Labyrinth. Haven’t I already mentioned that I’m not going to watch this anytime soon? I think perhaps I have.
So…. So far Pan’s Labyrinth is the only movie to win anything. It’s a Spanish Oscar after all.
7:58 – Ellen is sitting backstage with a stage hand. They’re pretending to ad-lib.
7:59 – It’s Abigail in her Easter Basket dress again, and Wil Smith’s son, whose name escapes me. They’re giving out an award for Best Animated Short. At last – something Pan’s Labyrinth can’t win.
8:00 – The winner is The Danish Poet. First Spaniards, now Canadians making films about Danes. Can’t Americans win anything?
8:02 – The kids now give out another award – best Live Action Short. Not a cartoon in sight.
8:03 – The winner is… West Bank Story. Isn’t that an Israeli version of The Jets and the Sharks? See – we’re still international. The winner is making a speech about peace in Palestine. Good luck on that sinking in.
8:05 – A Chuck Workman film about Eastwood’s Iwo Jima movie. He made two WWII movies this year – one nominated, one not. I haven’t seen either one yet, and after the mind screw nightmare that was Saving Private Ryan, I tend to avoid war movies. I’d rather see Will Ferrill’s ass yet again instead of another bloody war movie.
8:08 – Commercial time. Everyone wants a Caddy – even soccer moms!
8:11 – Ellen is introducing the ochestra.
8:12 – Sound effects choir? WTF? It’s an entire stage filled with that guy from the Police Academy movies!
8:14 – It’s Steve Carrell and Greg Kinear. Steve still should be hosting. It’s time for Sound Editing awards.
8:15 – The winner is Letters from Iwo Jima. A Japanese movie. So two Spaniards, a Canadian/Dane, a Palestinian, and now a Japanese flick. C’mon, America – we don’t artistically stink that much, do we?
8:17 – James Macavoy and Jessica Biel. Neither one are A list, now are they? That’s why they’re giving out the award for Sound Mixing.
8:18 – The winner is Dreamgirls! At last, an American-based movie is going home a winner. Although it’s too bad that the guy from Apocolypto didn’t win - this was his 19th nomination with no wins. The Susan Lucci of the Oscars.
8:21 – Rachel Weicz (sp?) is here to give out the award for Best Supporting Actor. Will Eddie walk away with it, or will he pay the price for Norbit?
8:22 – The award goes to…Alan Arkin! Eddie kissed it away after all! Alan was great in Little Miss Sunshine; he fully deserves this award. But poor Eddie – always a bridesmaid. No more Norbits for you, pal.
8:25 – Ellen is in the audience. I wonder if she’s going to walk over to Eddie’s now-empty seat. She’s talking with Scorcese. He rocks. She’s trying to slip him a script to read – I hope it’s not for Pluto Nash 2.
8:26 – It’s the Palabolus Dance Troop. Not nearly as bad as Debbie Allen. Close, but not quite up to Deb’s level of suckyness. They can bend and twist into different shapes, sort of like yoga charades. Interesting, but is it enough to earn them a SAG card?
8:30 – It’s a clip from The Departed, a movie we just happened to have watched last night. Great flick – lots of cursing, though. It’s a good thing I’m not a prude. Nicholson was great in it, however, as was Marky Mark, Leo, and Matt. All dreamy. And I mean that in a purely hetero way.
8:31 – It’s the first nominated song – from Cars. It sounds like an Elton John song, but it’s actually James Taylor and Randy Newman. We saw James Taylor in concert about a year ago – he was very good. Randy Newman we haven’t seen yet, which is probably okay. I’d spend the whole time yelling at him. “Sing Short People!”
8:34 – Melissa Etheridge is here to sing her closing credits song from An Inconvenient Truth. It was a great movie; one I think everyone should be forced to watch. And if you’re a stubborn Republican who refuses to consider global warming as serious just because it’s Al Gore, then you need to watch it twice.
8:37 – Leo DiCaprio and Al Gore, together on stage. He says he’s just here for the movies. No Presidential run announcement tonight, but they did say that the Oscars went green this year. Funny, I thought they were still gold.
8:41 – Another commercial break, another look at Ellen’s ugly tux. But we did get Jack shot #3 in the process!
8:42 – Cameron Diaz and her Bad Hair is here to give out the award for Best Animated Feature. I’m rooting for Cars, because I looooooove Disney and Pixar!
8:43 – The winner is Happy Feet. Boo! That’s not a Disney movie!
8:45 – Ben Affleck, here to present a Nancy Myers movie about writers. I’ve never written a screenplay, but I do find myself to be somewhat of a writer, so I’ll consider this to be a salute to me as well. Why, thank you. Thank you very much! Now, if I can only get an Oscar for my efforts.
8:47 – Jack shot #4!
8:48 – Helen Mirren, Tom Hanks. Smashing, darling. Smashing! Best Adapted Screenplay.
8:50 – The award goes to The Departed. Once again, a great movie filled with lots of great swearing. And this is the cat who wrote all those MFs and CS and other incredibly long 4-letter words. Salute!
8:53 – Chris Connelly is backstage, ad-libbing about the horserace that is the Oscars. He’s talking about “more fun coming up,” then he shoves the mike in Tom Hank’s face as he walks by. “Oh, yes Chris – more fun!” Tom says, not doing the first thing to hold his contempt. Good for you, Hanks!
8:59 – Ellen is now wearing Elvis’ white jumpsuit and a baby carrier with an Oscar in it. Odd.
9:00 – Best Costume Design – Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. They’re trying to recreate their shtick from Devil Wears Prada. Hardy har. Anyhow, the winner is Marie Antoinette, another movie I haven’t seen and I doubt I wil anytime soon. The winner has on an ugly men’s tuxedo – what, can’t she design herself a gown, too?
9:04 – Good Lord, it’s Tom Cruise. I hope he doesn’t jump on the furniture. It’s time for the Jean Hershalt award, going to Sheri Lansing, the former head of Paramount. Sheri is infamous for only wearing Armani, 7 days a week. Guess what she’ll be wearing tonight?
9:08 – Sheri is one of the good ones. Oh, sure – she could chew your nads off and smile while doing it, but she really does do a lot of good work. And she looks sharp in Armani!
9:10 – Ellen is in the audience again, smooching up to Clint Eastwood. She’s having Spielberg take a picture of her and Clint for her MySpace page. You know it ought to be a good pic if Spielberg takes it.
9:11 – Gwyneth Paltrow is next, here to award some lucky bastard an Oscar for Best Cinematography. Gwyn is still sporting her Mom Boobs. That has nothing to do with the award, but it was still worth noting.
9:13 – The winner is Pan’s Labyrinth. Again. Sigh.
9:15 – It’s the Not Debbie Allen Dancers again, this time recreating a scene from Little Miss Sunshine with their bodies. Oy.
9:20 – Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr. She starred in King Kong; he used to have a giant monkey on his back. Ha! Great joke! Best Visual Effects is their category.
9:21 – The awards goes to Pirates of the Caribbean! Hooray – a Disney Oscar at last! Uncle Walt would be proud. Or at least we all hope so.
9:22 – Catherine Denuve and Ken Watanabe. Interesting pair. They bring to us a foreign film clip show, proving to us lazy Americans that not everything good and talented comes out of the San Fernando Valley.
9:26 - This year’s Best Foreign Film winner (finally) is going to be given out by Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett. Apparently Catherine and Ken weren’t allowed to keep going after all that?
9:28 – The winner is The Lives of Other (Germany). Good for them. I won’t see their movie any time soon, but still - good for them.
9:30 Ellen is back, trying her hand at the Non Debbie Allen silhouette dancing. They’re making a Snake on a Plane. How original!
9:32 – George Clooney is here, looking dashing as always. Mrs. G. may tease me about Kate Winslet being my onscreen girlfriend, but she’ll never argue about her lust for Mr. Clooney. Anyway, Mr. Handsome is here to give the award for Best Supporting Actress.
9:35 – Well, by golly the award goes to Jennifer Hudson. It’s nice to see someone other than Beyonce receive awards for that movie. Congrats, Jen. You deserved it.
9:40 – The Babel movie clip. It’s now out on DVD; maybe I’ll have to Netflix it one of these days. Maybe. You know, if I’m in a good mood and I want to be brought down.
9:42 – It’s two actors I don’t know – Eva Green and Gabriel Someone. She’s dressed like a mummy. He looks like a book nerd. Regardless, they’re here to give out the Oscar for Best Documentary Short.
9:43 – The winner is Blood of Yingzhou District, a movie I’ve never heard of. But since I picked it in our family Oscar pool to win, it gets bonus points from me.
9:45 – Jerry Seinfeld. What’s he doing here? He’s not an actor in movies. Only American Express commercials. But that’s neither here nor there – he’s here to give out the award for Best Documentary Feature. He’s repeating a “losers all dressed up” joke, similar to Ellen’s earlier. Now he’s joking about littering. Atta boy, Jerry – you’ve got $100 zillion in the bank, and now you joke about throwing garbage on the ground.
9:47 – The winner for Best Doc is An Inconvenient Truth. Al Gore in 2008!
9:50 – Clint Eastwood is on stage – looking dapper at his age. He’s here to dish out yet another honorary Oscar. It’s going to someone named Morricone, who has scored over 400 movies. 5 time nominee, no wins. So here ya go, enjoy your award.
9:53 – While they play the music of the guy getting the honorary award, I just counted – there’s still 8 awards, 3 songs, and the dead person roll call to go. In 37 minutes! No chance in hell that this thing is ending on time tonight.
9:58 – Through the power of TiVo, I just fast forwarded Celine Dion. You can thank me later.
10:00 – The old composer is gracious in both English and Italian. I just wish he wasn’t so long winded.
10:06 - Penelope Cruz and Hugh Jackman are here to give out the little gold guy for Best Original Score. Her dress is still weird; his tux makes you think he should’ve been Bond overall.
10:07 – Babel wins. There’s not much to say beyond that, is there?
10:08 – Ellen again, with another Jack shot. Maybe Jack should host?
10:09 – It’s Academy president Sid Ganis. Telling us about the AMPAS in 60 seconds or less. Good for keeping it moving, Sidney!
10:11 – Kirsten Dunst and Toby McGuire. Gee, what movie are they co-plugging? But there’s no time for Spider-man plugs – it’s time for the Best Original Screenplay Oscar.
10:13 – The Oscar goes to Little Miss Sunshine – a dark funny movie if there ever was one. I’ll have to dance to “Superfreak” here soon in his honor.
10:15 – More Not Debbie Allen Dancers. This time it’s The Devil Wears Prada. Or… It’s The Devil Enjoys this Not Debbie Allen Crap.
10:19 – It’s Jennifer Lopez! She likes tacos y burritos. Or so South Park led me to believe. She’s here to present the 3 songs from Dreamgirls.
10:20 – “Love You I Do” is first. Jennifer Hudson gets to sing a song that Simon Cowell can’t criticize. How’s that for a “Ha Ha Screw You Simon.” Next up is “Listen”, with the uber-present Beyonce. It’s a Diva Battle! Oh, well – at least Jennifer has an Oscar. Poor Beyonce only has a closet of Grammys and a gazillion bucks in the bank. So that leaves only one song – “Patience”, which I’m quickly running out of. This show is supposed to be over in about 6 minutes, but that’s not gonna happen. They just dragged out their second gospel choir of the night. Must cost a fortune in dry cleaning for all those robes.
10:27 – Ellen is back, the songs are over.
10:28 – John Travolta and Queen Latifah are here to present best song. These are two people who constantly have their sexuality questioned by the tabloids, but since I’m tired and cranky, I don’t want to go there tonight. I’ll save that one for the Enquirer. Anyway, who wins?
10:30 – Why, it’s Melissa Etheridge, for An Inconvenient Truth. Surprise! She’s thanking her wife Tammie Lynn. She’s also thanking Al Gore, but she didn’t kiss him.
10:30 – 5 awards to go, plus the dead guy roll call. There’s a bet going around if they’ll include Anna Nicole in their salute to those who croaked. I mean, she was in Police Squad 33 1/3. Doesn’t that count?
10:33 – Little Miss Sunshine movie promo. It promotes talent shows, heroin snorting, and dysfunction. What could be more heartwarming?
10:34 – Will Smith. He’s here to show a Michael Mann film about America through its movies. Ironic, since a large majority of the winners tonight haven’t been American.
10:40 – Kate Winslet. Or my secret girlfriend, and Mrs. G. just pointed out. Yeah, well… GEORGE CLOONEY. So there. Anyway, my secret girlfriend is giving out the award for Best Film Editing.
10:41 – The Departed wins. Sweeeeet.
10:43 – Jodie Foster in blue. She’s here to tell us about the dead people. Roll that beautiful dead people footage!
10:45 – Glenn Ford. Jane Wyatt. Don Knotts. Robert Altman. No Anna Nicole.
10:51 – Ellen is now in blue.
10:51 – Philip Seymour Hoffman is here to give out Best Actress. Hell, why bother – just hand it to Helen Mirren now? Oh, and Phil – it’s traditional to shower and comb your hair before appearing on national TV. Think about it next time, will you?
10:53 – In the shock of all shocks, Helen Mirren is the one. Who knew?
10:55 – Oh, God – another Not Debbie Allen Dance Number – this time for The Departed. This is of course followed by Chris Connelly dragging this show out even longer.
11:00 – Ellen is vacuuming. Someone has to do it, I suppose.
11:00 – Reese Witherspoon is here to present Best Actress. Her eye makeup is waaaaay too dark. Hasn’t anyone told her that heroin chic went out years ago? Call Courtney Love and ask her.
11:03 – Forrest Whitaker wins, the second closest thing to a “sure thing” this side of Helen Mirren. He’s mumbling on stage. I hope he holds it together without crying. Congrats, Forrest.
11:04 – Spielberg, Lucas, and Coppola. I wish they were here to announce their next blockbuster, but alas – it’s Best Director time. Go, Scorcese!
11:07 – Yeah, Marty! It’s about fricking time! This one goes out for GoodFellas, for Taxi Driver, for Gangs of New York… and yeah, for The Departed. Marty rocks.
11:08 – It’s The Queen! No, not Freddy Mercury’s band. No, it’s not Elton John’s unofficial nickname. It’s the movie. Or, the short movie clip.
11:12 – Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson are here – finally. The Best Picture award.
11:13. Diane is actually wearing something semi-feminine tonight. She’s also a little tipsy, if you ask me. As for Jack, he just looks cool – hair or no hair.
11:14 – At last – the winner. The Academy Award for best picture goes to…
11:15 – The Departed! Hooray! A good movie wins.
So in the end, in our in-home Oscar contest, Mrs. G. wins – 14 to 13. It’s the first time in about 5 years that she’s beat me in this game, so I’ve got to give her props for that. Maybe she was luckier at guessing, maybe I just picked wrong. Or maybe I’m losing my Golden Touch. But either way, I’m glad for Mrs. G for rocking the contest.
It’s 11:20 now, and I’m really tired. My butt is tired from sitting here for the last four hours typing on my laptop, and it’s about 90 minutes past my bedtime. Ellen just wrapped it up with a goodnight, and they just dumped 10 tons of glitter on those expensive hairdos.
So it’s over for another year. See you in 2008, I suppose. I’ll go reserve my tux now.
7:30 PM – Sunday, February 25, 2007. Here they come!
7:30 It’s the “movie guy” as announcer. In a world where award telecasts never end…
7:31 - Here’s the opening bit: It’s actors and directors and other people in the movies who may or not be famous. They’re talking about stuff. Nothing in common, just talking. Clint Eastwood, Steven Spielberg, Peter O’Toole. They’re just jumping from line to line. Very odd.
7:34 – There’s our first audience shot. All of the nominees are standing up.
7:36 – Where’s Jack? Usually we’ve seen Nicholson once by now.
7:36 – It’s Ellen, in a purple leisure suit/tux. Ugh. How many felts had to die for that?
7:37 – There’s Jack, and he’s shaved his head! Who does he think he is – Britney?
7:38 – Ellen is babbling. She’s looking more and more like Hilary Clinton every day, isn’t she? She says it’s the most international Oscars ever. Ole!
7:40 – She’s still babbling. Now she’s teasing the nominees about being nervous. Can’t we move on with it?
7:41 – Jack shot #2! Still bald.
7:41- She just pointed out Abigail Breslin, who looks like she’s wearing her Easter basket.
7:42 – There’s Al & Tipper Gore! Hollywood’s hottest couple.
7:43 – “If there weren’t blacks, Jews, or gays, there wouldn’t be any Oscars”. That’s Ellen’s theory du jour. I don’t know what to make of that.
7:43 – A gospel choir just joined Ellen, and they’re dancing in the aisles. Instead of praising God, they’re praising overpaid actors. Someone is going to get struck with lightning for that one.
7:44 – Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig are our first two presenters – he looks like Bond! Award #1 is for Art Direction.
7:45 – Our first Oscar tonight goes to Pan’s Labyrinth. A movie I’ll never see.
7:47 – It’s Maggie Gyllenhall, in navy blue. She’s here to talk about her off-screen party of award winners, people not cool enough to get on stage here. Computer nerds make good.
7:49 – Oh crap - it’s a Debbie Allen dance number! I can feel it coming on!
7:49 – Time for a commercial. Thank goodness – I need to stand and stretch.
7:52 – 22 minutes into this telecast, and only one award dished out so far. God, it’s going to be a long night. I’m usually asleep by 10:00. C’mon, guys – let’s move!
7:53 – Will Ferrell is going to sing. He’s sporting an afro that Jules from Pulp Fiction would love. Jack Black just joined him. Jack needs a shave. Now John C. Reilly is singing to them from the audience. Yet another non-nominee. I just thought I’d point that out. Their song is about comedians never winning awards. They certainly won’t win anything for this tune.
7:56 – Now they get to give out the award for Achievement in Makeup. The winner is…Pan’s Labyrinth. Haven’t I already mentioned that I’m not going to watch this anytime soon? I think perhaps I have.
So…. So far Pan’s Labyrinth is the only movie to win anything. It’s a Spanish Oscar after all.
7:58 – Ellen is sitting backstage with a stage hand. They’re pretending to ad-lib.
7:59 – It’s Abigail in her Easter Basket dress again, and Wil Smith’s son, whose name escapes me. They’re giving out an award for Best Animated Short. At last – something Pan’s Labyrinth can’t win.
8:00 – The winner is The Danish Poet. First Spaniards, now Canadians making films about Danes. Can’t Americans win anything?
8:02 – The kids now give out another award – best Live Action Short. Not a cartoon in sight.
8:03 – The winner is… West Bank Story. Isn’t that an Israeli version of The Jets and the Sharks? See – we’re still international. The winner is making a speech about peace in Palestine. Good luck on that sinking in.
8:05 – A Chuck Workman film about Eastwood’s Iwo Jima movie. He made two WWII movies this year – one nominated, one not. I haven’t seen either one yet, and after the mind screw nightmare that was Saving Private Ryan, I tend to avoid war movies. I’d rather see Will Ferrill’s ass yet again instead of another bloody war movie.
8:08 – Commercial time. Everyone wants a Caddy – even soccer moms!
8:11 – Ellen is introducing the ochestra.
8:12 – Sound effects choir? WTF? It’s an entire stage filled with that guy from the Police Academy movies!
8:14 – It’s Steve Carrell and Greg Kinear. Steve still should be hosting. It’s time for Sound Editing awards.
8:15 – The winner is Letters from Iwo Jima. A Japanese movie. So two Spaniards, a Canadian/Dane, a Palestinian, and now a Japanese flick. C’mon, America – we don’t artistically stink that much, do we?
8:17 – James Macavoy and Jessica Biel. Neither one are A list, now are they? That’s why they’re giving out the award for Sound Mixing.
8:18 – The winner is Dreamgirls! At last, an American-based movie is going home a winner. Although it’s too bad that the guy from Apocolypto didn’t win - this was his 19th nomination with no wins. The Susan Lucci of the Oscars.
8:21 – Rachel Weicz (sp?) is here to give out the award for Best Supporting Actor. Will Eddie walk away with it, or will he pay the price for Norbit?
8:22 – The award goes to…Alan Arkin! Eddie kissed it away after all! Alan was great in Little Miss Sunshine; he fully deserves this award. But poor Eddie – always a bridesmaid. No more Norbits for you, pal.
8:25 – Ellen is in the audience. I wonder if she’s going to walk over to Eddie’s now-empty seat. She’s talking with Scorcese. He rocks. She’s trying to slip him a script to read – I hope it’s not for Pluto Nash 2.
8:26 – It’s the Palabolus Dance Troop. Not nearly as bad as Debbie Allen. Close, but not quite up to Deb’s level of suckyness. They can bend and twist into different shapes, sort of like yoga charades. Interesting, but is it enough to earn them a SAG card?
8:30 – It’s a clip from The Departed, a movie we just happened to have watched last night. Great flick – lots of cursing, though. It’s a good thing I’m not a prude. Nicholson was great in it, however, as was Marky Mark, Leo, and Matt. All dreamy. And I mean that in a purely hetero way.
8:31 – It’s the first nominated song – from Cars. It sounds like an Elton John song, but it’s actually James Taylor and Randy Newman. We saw James Taylor in concert about a year ago – he was very good. Randy Newman we haven’t seen yet, which is probably okay. I’d spend the whole time yelling at him. “Sing Short People!”
8:34 – Melissa Etheridge is here to sing her closing credits song from An Inconvenient Truth. It was a great movie; one I think everyone should be forced to watch. And if you’re a stubborn Republican who refuses to consider global warming as serious just because it’s Al Gore, then you need to watch it twice.
8:37 – Leo DiCaprio and Al Gore, together on stage. He says he’s just here for the movies. No Presidential run announcement tonight, but they did say that the Oscars went green this year. Funny, I thought they were still gold.
8:41 – Another commercial break, another look at Ellen’s ugly tux. But we did get Jack shot #3 in the process!
8:42 – Cameron Diaz and her Bad Hair is here to give out the award for Best Animated Feature. I’m rooting for Cars, because I looooooove Disney and Pixar!
8:43 – The winner is Happy Feet. Boo! That’s not a Disney movie!
8:45 – Ben Affleck, here to present a Nancy Myers movie about writers. I’ve never written a screenplay, but I do find myself to be somewhat of a writer, so I’ll consider this to be a salute to me as well. Why, thank you. Thank you very much! Now, if I can only get an Oscar for my efforts.
8:47 – Jack shot #4!
8:48 – Helen Mirren, Tom Hanks. Smashing, darling. Smashing! Best Adapted Screenplay.
8:50 – The award goes to The Departed. Once again, a great movie filled with lots of great swearing. And this is the cat who wrote all those MFs and CS and other incredibly long 4-letter words. Salute!
8:53 – Chris Connelly is backstage, ad-libbing about the horserace that is the Oscars. He’s talking about “more fun coming up,” then he shoves the mike in Tom Hank’s face as he walks by. “Oh, yes Chris – more fun!” Tom says, not doing the first thing to hold his contempt. Good for you, Hanks!
8:59 – Ellen is now wearing Elvis’ white jumpsuit and a baby carrier with an Oscar in it. Odd.
9:00 – Best Costume Design – Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. They’re trying to recreate their shtick from Devil Wears Prada. Hardy har. Anyhow, the winner is Marie Antoinette, another movie I haven’t seen and I doubt I wil anytime soon. The winner has on an ugly men’s tuxedo – what, can’t she design herself a gown, too?
9:04 – Good Lord, it’s Tom Cruise. I hope he doesn’t jump on the furniture. It’s time for the Jean Hershalt award, going to Sheri Lansing, the former head of Paramount. Sheri is infamous for only wearing Armani, 7 days a week. Guess what she’ll be wearing tonight?
9:08 – Sheri is one of the good ones. Oh, sure – she could chew your nads off and smile while doing it, but she really does do a lot of good work. And she looks sharp in Armani!
9:10 – Ellen is in the audience again, smooching up to Clint Eastwood. She’s having Spielberg take a picture of her and Clint for her MySpace page. You know it ought to be a good pic if Spielberg takes it.
9:11 – Gwyneth Paltrow is next, here to award some lucky bastard an Oscar for Best Cinematography. Gwyn is still sporting her Mom Boobs. That has nothing to do with the award, but it was still worth noting.
9:13 – The winner is Pan’s Labyrinth. Again. Sigh.
9:15 – It’s the Not Debbie Allen Dancers again, this time recreating a scene from Little Miss Sunshine with their bodies. Oy.
9:20 – Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr. She starred in King Kong; he used to have a giant monkey on his back. Ha! Great joke! Best Visual Effects is their category.
9:21 – The awards goes to Pirates of the Caribbean! Hooray – a Disney Oscar at last! Uncle Walt would be proud. Or at least we all hope so.
9:22 – Catherine Denuve and Ken Watanabe. Interesting pair. They bring to us a foreign film clip show, proving to us lazy Americans that not everything good and talented comes out of the San Fernando Valley.
9:26 - This year’s Best Foreign Film winner (finally) is going to be given out by Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett. Apparently Catherine and Ken weren’t allowed to keep going after all that?
9:28 – The winner is The Lives of Other (Germany). Good for them. I won’t see their movie any time soon, but still - good for them.
9:30 Ellen is back, trying her hand at the Non Debbie Allen silhouette dancing. They’re making a Snake on a Plane. How original!
9:32 – George Clooney is here, looking dashing as always. Mrs. G. may tease me about Kate Winslet being my onscreen girlfriend, but she’ll never argue about her lust for Mr. Clooney. Anyway, Mr. Handsome is here to give the award for Best Supporting Actress.
9:35 – Well, by golly the award goes to Jennifer Hudson. It’s nice to see someone other than Beyonce receive awards for that movie. Congrats, Jen. You deserved it.
9:40 – The Babel movie clip. It’s now out on DVD; maybe I’ll have to Netflix it one of these days. Maybe. You know, if I’m in a good mood and I want to be brought down.
9:42 – It’s two actors I don’t know – Eva Green and Gabriel Someone. She’s dressed like a mummy. He looks like a book nerd. Regardless, they’re here to give out the Oscar for Best Documentary Short.
9:43 – The winner is Blood of Yingzhou District, a movie I’ve never heard of. But since I picked it in our family Oscar pool to win, it gets bonus points from me.
9:45 – Jerry Seinfeld. What’s he doing here? He’s not an actor in movies. Only American Express commercials. But that’s neither here nor there – he’s here to give out the award for Best Documentary Feature. He’s repeating a “losers all dressed up” joke, similar to Ellen’s earlier. Now he’s joking about littering. Atta boy, Jerry – you’ve got $100 zillion in the bank, and now you joke about throwing garbage on the ground.
9:47 – The winner for Best Doc is An Inconvenient Truth. Al Gore in 2008!
9:50 – Clint Eastwood is on stage – looking dapper at his age. He’s here to dish out yet another honorary Oscar. It’s going to someone named Morricone, who has scored over 400 movies. 5 time nominee, no wins. So here ya go, enjoy your award.
9:53 – While they play the music of the guy getting the honorary award, I just counted – there’s still 8 awards, 3 songs, and the dead person roll call to go. In 37 minutes! No chance in hell that this thing is ending on time tonight.
9:58 – Through the power of TiVo, I just fast forwarded Celine Dion. You can thank me later.
10:00 – The old composer is gracious in both English and Italian. I just wish he wasn’t so long winded.
10:06 - Penelope Cruz and Hugh Jackman are here to give out the little gold guy for Best Original Score. Her dress is still weird; his tux makes you think he should’ve been Bond overall.
10:07 – Babel wins. There’s not much to say beyond that, is there?
10:08 – Ellen again, with another Jack shot. Maybe Jack should host?
10:09 – It’s Academy president Sid Ganis. Telling us about the AMPAS in 60 seconds or less. Good for keeping it moving, Sidney!
10:11 – Kirsten Dunst and Toby McGuire. Gee, what movie are they co-plugging? But there’s no time for Spider-man plugs – it’s time for the Best Original Screenplay Oscar.
10:13 – The Oscar goes to Little Miss Sunshine – a dark funny movie if there ever was one. I’ll have to dance to “Superfreak” here soon in his honor.
10:15 – More Not Debbie Allen Dancers. This time it’s The Devil Wears Prada. Or… It’s The Devil Enjoys this Not Debbie Allen Crap.
10:19 – It’s Jennifer Lopez! She likes tacos y burritos. Or so South Park led me to believe. She’s here to present the 3 songs from Dreamgirls.
10:20 – “Love You I Do” is first. Jennifer Hudson gets to sing a song that Simon Cowell can’t criticize. How’s that for a “Ha Ha Screw You Simon.” Next up is “Listen”, with the uber-present Beyonce. It’s a Diva Battle! Oh, well – at least Jennifer has an Oscar. Poor Beyonce only has a closet of Grammys and a gazillion bucks in the bank. So that leaves only one song – “Patience”, which I’m quickly running out of. This show is supposed to be over in about 6 minutes, but that’s not gonna happen. They just dragged out their second gospel choir of the night. Must cost a fortune in dry cleaning for all those robes.
10:27 – Ellen is back, the songs are over.
10:28 – John Travolta and Queen Latifah are here to present best song. These are two people who constantly have their sexuality questioned by the tabloids, but since I’m tired and cranky, I don’t want to go there tonight. I’ll save that one for the Enquirer. Anyway, who wins?
10:30 – Why, it’s Melissa Etheridge, for An Inconvenient Truth. Surprise! She’s thanking her wife Tammie Lynn. She’s also thanking Al Gore, but she didn’t kiss him.
10:30 – 5 awards to go, plus the dead guy roll call. There’s a bet going around if they’ll include Anna Nicole in their salute to those who croaked. I mean, she was in Police Squad 33 1/3. Doesn’t that count?
10:33 – Little Miss Sunshine movie promo. It promotes talent shows, heroin snorting, and dysfunction. What could be more heartwarming?
10:34 – Will Smith. He’s here to show a Michael Mann film about America through its movies. Ironic, since a large majority of the winners tonight haven’t been American.
10:40 – Kate Winslet. Or my secret girlfriend, and Mrs. G. just pointed out. Yeah, well… GEORGE CLOONEY. So there. Anyway, my secret girlfriend is giving out the award for Best Film Editing.
10:41 – The Departed wins. Sweeeeet.
10:43 – Jodie Foster in blue. She’s here to tell us about the dead people. Roll that beautiful dead people footage!
10:45 – Glenn Ford. Jane Wyatt. Don Knotts. Robert Altman. No Anna Nicole.
10:51 – Ellen is now in blue.
10:51 – Philip Seymour Hoffman is here to give out Best Actress. Hell, why bother – just hand it to Helen Mirren now? Oh, and Phil – it’s traditional to shower and comb your hair before appearing on national TV. Think about it next time, will you?
10:53 – In the shock of all shocks, Helen Mirren is the one. Who knew?
10:55 – Oh, God – another Not Debbie Allen Dance Number – this time for The Departed. This is of course followed by Chris Connelly dragging this show out even longer.
11:00 – Ellen is vacuuming. Someone has to do it, I suppose.
11:00 – Reese Witherspoon is here to present Best Actress. Her eye makeup is waaaaay too dark. Hasn’t anyone told her that heroin chic went out years ago? Call Courtney Love and ask her.
11:03 – Forrest Whitaker wins, the second closest thing to a “sure thing” this side of Helen Mirren. He’s mumbling on stage. I hope he holds it together without crying. Congrats, Forrest.
11:04 – Spielberg, Lucas, and Coppola. I wish they were here to announce their next blockbuster, but alas – it’s Best Director time. Go, Scorcese!
11:07 – Yeah, Marty! It’s about fricking time! This one goes out for GoodFellas, for Taxi Driver, for Gangs of New York… and yeah, for The Departed. Marty rocks.
11:08 – It’s The Queen! No, not Freddy Mercury’s band. No, it’s not Elton John’s unofficial nickname. It’s the movie. Or, the short movie clip.
11:12 – Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson are here – finally. The Best Picture award.
11:13. Diane is actually wearing something semi-feminine tonight. She’s also a little tipsy, if you ask me. As for Jack, he just looks cool – hair or no hair.
11:14 – At last – the winner. The Academy Award for best picture goes to…
11:15 – The Departed! Hooray! A good movie wins.
So in the end, in our in-home Oscar contest, Mrs. G. wins – 14 to 13. It’s the first time in about 5 years that she’s beat me in this game, so I’ve got to give her props for that. Maybe she was luckier at guessing, maybe I just picked wrong. Or maybe I’m losing my Golden Touch. But either way, I’m glad for Mrs. G for rocking the contest.
It’s 11:20 now, and I’m really tired. My butt is tired from sitting here for the last four hours typing on my laptop, and it’s about 90 minutes past my bedtime. Ellen just wrapped it up with a goodnight, and they just dumped 10 tons of glitter on those expensive hairdos.
So it’s over for another year. See you in 2008, I suppose. I’ll go reserve my tux now.
posted by Tommy G at
11:36 PM
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