The Art of Gift Giving

My mother-in-law is a wonderful woman. Seriously.

I know that a lot of people are saddled with in-laws that...well, for a lack of a better term, suck. But not me. I’m very fortunate to call The Lovely Mrs. G’s parents “family”. They’ve always been very good to me, and I’m a lucky guy because of it.

But if my dear, sweet, Mum-in-Law had any one fault, it’d be this: She is a lousy gift giver.

I’m not kidding. D is notorious for giving people really horrendous, pointless, and totally useless gifts.

I can’t tell you how many times over the last 12 years that I’ve opened one of her packages, said a polite “Oh. How nice.”, and then quietly placed said item in the nearest Goodwill bag.
Examples? Well, there’s all of the souvenir t-shirts that were three sizes too small for me. (I’m a grown man, not a sausage!) There was the beaded wallet that was too tiny to fit U.S. dollars. I even got a souvenir plastic beer bottle opener from Vermont or some place like that, which would be wonderfully useful if I ever start drinking the stuff.

Then there was the granddaddy of all bad gifts – the XXXL bright yellow polo shirt. I looked like a fat lemon in it. Seriously – I expected Country Time to chase me down the street when I wore it. “Come back, giant lemon! Let me SQUEEEEEEEEZE you!”

It’s not always that bad. Usually, but not always. If you send her a list before your birthday/Christmas of books you’d like to have (Title, Author, Publisher, Price, and ISBN are helpful), odds are good that you might receive one. But if you mistakenly forget to notify her in a timely manner, may God help you. You’re about to get something “rather unique” instead.

I tell this story because last night we opened her latest package, filled with Valentines stuff. It was mostly for Miss Katie and the Forthcoming Baby Emaline, which is good – it’s hard to go wrong with newborn outfits. The Lovely Mrs. G. did receive a shirt in the right size, and a sweatshirt from her alma mater that was...you guessed it...three sizes too small. (Miss Katie will enjoy that one instead.)

But me? Well, first let me say that I didn’t expect anything. It’s really not necessary. But I do appreciate the gesture. It’s just that...this is what I got. Wanna guess what it is?

Give up? It’s a New Zealand kiwi mouse pad. Who knew such things even exist?

My in-laws have actually been to NZ a couple of times, but most recently it was about 3 or 4 years ago, so you know that this thing was just sitting in a box somewhere, collecting dust until it made its way across the country to our house. I still secretly suspect she’s got an entire hidden room in her house filled with leftover souvenirs from their travels over the years that she sneaks into for a last minute gift whenever the need arises. Somewhere in there, back on a dusty shelf, maybe one day she’ll stumble across Jimmy Hoffa. Or a Jimmy Hoffa shot glass/ashtray combination set.

But once again let me remind you that I tease because I love. D really does have her heart in the right place, even if her gifts are way out in left center field. So I’ll be a gracious recipient, and try to put my new kiwi mouse pad to good use.

Just as long as I don’t look like a fat lemon while doing it...