What's happenin'?

I've been trying to think about what to write lately. I mean, it has been a damn long time -- so much has changed in the last 2 1/2 years that I'd hardly know where to begin. New jobs, new cars, new adventures, saying goodbye to old friends, making some new ones....

It's been a regular Circle of Life - and then some.

So instead of delving into the past, I thought I'd just move on, and keep my eyes on the virtual prize. I'll mention a few things here and there, but for the most part, why rehash ancient history? Besides, the older I get, the more I forget things, so details would be sketchy at best.

I will tell you this: The Lovely Mrs. B. and I are still happily a couple. Going on 16 years now. That's a good thing. We're still in Omaha, and although I'm now with a different company (my last joint? They can SUCK IT.), I'm still relatively happy being in this town. We've got a cat, a dog, a huge mortgage, two new cars, and a Disneyland trip in the near future.

I'm alive, I'm relatively healthy (all things considered), and I'm still a smartass.

See? Not much has changed, really.

So I will remain forward-thinking, and will enjoy the *now* instead of wallowing in the past. It's healthier, and easier to remember.

-- T

Blowin' off the dust...

So it dawned on me today that I haven't written anything on here in well over 2.5 years. In fact, I haven't written much of anything at all. No short stories, no blog posts, nada. Wow, do I ever suck, or what?

I really need to get back to writing something - anything. I've always got a zillion excuses why I can't / won't / don't. They'll all crap, I know that.

So today I make a vow to myself to bring back the good stuff, and write it down. Maybe it'll do me some good. Sure can't hurt.

Sushi's Revenge

You know what? I'm really not such a complicated person. (The lovely Mrs. G. will say otherwise, but I digress…)

I may have my little quirks here and there, but when it comes down to it, I really don't have a lot of character flaws. Lack of humility notwithstanding.

But there is one little thing about me that many will find shocking – or possibly unbelievable.

I can't eat sushi.

It's not that I don't *want* to eat sushi – in fact, the complete opposite is true. Sushi is artistically pleasing to the eye, what with its perfect little rows of rice and shrimp and other assorted stuff.

It's just that I *can't* eat sushi.

God knows I've tried eating sushi several times over the years. But once it hits my taste buds, my pre-barf alarm goes off, and I make those nasty gaggy faces that are normally reserved for 4 year olds eating peas.

I just can't help it – it's the seaweed wrap and/or uncooked fish that gets me every time. I've tried to just buck it up and get over it, but no luck – the sushi goes in, and immediately wants to come back out.

My most recent example of almost-puking-on-a-California-roll happened last Saturday night – yes, Valentines Day. I took The Lovely Mrs. G. out to a local Omaha restaurant that is famous for its diverse, multi-cultural menu. They've got seafood dishes, pasta dishes, pan-Asian delicacies, and oh yeah…a sushi bar.

We watched -- all around us people were enjoying sushi delights. Young people, old people, and everything in between. I was perfectly happy ordering some chicken potstickers for an appetizer, and then some French onion soup for a starter.

Mrs. G. however ordered a California roll.

So the sushi shows up – 8 perfectly aligned slices, all sparkly and shiny and sushi-esque. It came with pretty little chopsticks, pretty little pickled ginger (shaped to look like a flower), a pretty little wad of wasabi, and a cute dish perfect for your choice of two types of soy sauce. It was Japanese cuisine perfection – Iron Chef Morimoto would definitely approve.

I quietly ate my onion soup (which was mostly cold, but was politely taken off our bill by the apologetic waitress) and watched as Mrs. G. thoroughly enjoyed her sushi. It really did look good.

Anyway, Mrs. G. asked me several times if I'd like a piece. No, no, I begged off. I'm just fascinated by something that looks so good but tastes so bad.

"Oh, come on and try one," Mrs. G said, placing a piece of sushi in front of me.

Now, all of my previous sushi-eating experiences had been a bust. But not wanting to be mocked for being a sushi-chicken, I decided to give it another shot. So I put it in a little soy sauce, picked it up, and popped it in my mouth.

Let the gagging begin!

Long story short, I didn't puke. But God knows that I wanted to. I made that nasty pre-puke face a few times while Mrs. G. tried hard not to laugh at my discomfort. It was AWFUL – the nori just about put me over the edge, and every part of me wanted to experience "urges contrary to swallowing." Icky, isn't it?

So thanks to a large glass of water, I did finally get it down the hatch, and fortunately it stayed there.

And that officially ends my fascination with sushi. Game over, I lose. And I'm okay with that.

So from now on, I'll just admire the pretty sushi from afar, and will continue to wonder what it would be like to partake in its bounty.

And then I'll go back to my onion soup, if it's all the same to you. The sushi may be beautiful, but the French don't make me want to have a Technicolor yawn.

Of course, I haven't tried escargot yet, so I should be careful with what I wish for…

The 2009 Oscars - Almost Live!

The Live Blog – Oscars 2009

7:30 PM Central (5:30 Pacific) --- Well, here we go again. Another year, another gigantic dose of Oscar Snark. Get it while it's hot.

This is my third year of Oscar blogging, and for some reason it NEVER gets old, no matter how much the pre-ceremony red carper "who are you wearing?" fawning/ butt smooching over gowns goes on and on and on.

Now, according to Tim Gunn, fashion king and very tolerant man, "Tonight is YOUR night." Since only 24 lucky souls will go home with golden boys, I guess it really won't be everyone's night, but hey – they do have an open bar, so everyone will be a winner in one way or another.

But enough of that pre-show crap – it's time for the big show. Hell's Kitchen is OPEN!!

7:30 – Oscar #81 – brought to you by Diet Coke, Sprint, and Hyundai. Aren't they kind?

7:30 – Cool stage – blue!

7:30 – Hugh Jackman, our host for the evening. A very talented guy, and damn funny if they'd let him break loose and give up the Wolverine knives for a while. (And please – no more Nicole Kidman movies. We beg you.)

7:31 – Kate Winslet, Robert Downey. Hardy har har.

7:32 – The opening number! He's using the junk out of someone's Star Waggon. But at least he's in tune.

7:33 – Hugh is singing the praises of Milk. It does a body good, you know.

7:34 – Benjamin Button cut outs – clever, like something out of a boardwalk.

7:35 – Hugh and Anne Hathaway – she has a beautiful voice, too. I just wish the dress was better. (Tim Gunn would be so proud of me…)

7:36 – The Reader, as done through a German "Deiter" special. Odd. Do you want to touch my monkey? Now we dance.

7:37 – Hugh is now wrestling….himself. And yes – by God, he is Wolverine. Now and forever.

7:39 – he's sitting on Frank Langella's lap. Avert your eyes, kids.

7:39 – It's Mickey Rourke and his silver tooth – I wonder if it's made out of meth?

7:40 – Brad and Angelina. The couple everyone would like to hang out with. Especially at Plato's Retreat.

7:40 – Meryl Streep and her drab colored dress. At least she's still got a smile that's modern.

7:41 – Best Supporting Actress – award #1. And only 11 minutes into the show. Here to present it is 5 magical ladies – Whoopie, Goldie, Tilda, Eva-Marie, and Angelica. Combined age? 994.

7:43 – Why can't Tilda Swinton dress herself? It looks like she's wearing a tablecloth. (Eat your heart out, Tim Gunn – I've trademarked that line.)

7:45 – Whoopie is wearing a dead leopard. Thank God Amy Adams can make up for it.

7:47 – Jeez, they're still fawning over the nominees. Can we get on with it? Otherwise this show will be going until frickin' midnight!

7:47 – Penelope Cruz wins. Good – now go make a movie without Woody Allen. I do love her accent, though – she should team up with Antonio Banderas. They may have to subtitle it, but at least it'd be pretty on the screen.

7:50 – Commercial break! Time to get up and stretch, because I have a baaaad feeling we're in for a long night.

7:52 – And we're back! Hugh is about to show us how they make movies. I hope they show how they raise all that money.

7:53 – They're making a script out of Steve Martin and Tina Fey's entry – I've give that an Oscar anytime.
7:53 – Steve Martin – still cool. Tina Fey, still hot.

7:54 – Best Original Screenplay – I bet on Milk, because I had to pick one. I never heard of Frozen Riverr, Happy Go Lucky, or In Bruges, and I think Wall-E's award is coming later, so this one is for Milk.

7:55 – And the Oscar goes to… Dustin Lance Black for Milk. Good for him. He beat a robot and 3 people nobody you've heard of.

7:58 – Steve and Tina are back, this time to give the best adapted screenplay Oscar away. I voted for Slumdog Gazillionaire, but Benny Button was pretty good, too…

8:01 – Let's adapt an Oscar! The winner is Simon Whatshisname for Slumdog. A great movie, and about to home with a ton of statues. You heard it here first.

8:02 – I just noticed that we haven't seen Jack yet. Where the hell is Jack? It's just not a party without Jack.

8:02 – Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black. One looks really, really hot, and the other is Jack Black. They're here for Best Animated Feature, which should be renamed The Pixar Category. They're showing us animation yearbook, in a year when Robots danced to Hello Dolly, Pandas learned how to do kung fu, and a puppy named Bolt didn't sniff another dog's butt or eat his own crap, like real dogs.

8:06 – Okay, let's give out the statue. And the winner is… WALL-E! Yeah! I liked this movie, and I like Pixar. I hope they keep up their quality forever and ever. That, and I want to see The Incredibles II and Toy Story III. So get on with it.

8:08 – Jenny and Jackie are giving out Best Animated Short Film now. I went for Presto, because – duh – it's Pixar.

8:09 – And the short cartoony Oscar goes to… La Maison en Petits Cubes, which is French for "Son of a bitch, Pixar didn't win!!!"

8:10 – Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto! Ha! Unless Kate Winslet tells us all to "everybody Wang Chung tonight", that may go down as the best line from a winner all night.

8:14- Commercial break is over, but the screen is still black. BORING!

8:15 – Well, I'm glad that dullness is over. Hugh is back, talking about making movies again. Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig are here now – she and her Golden Guns, he with his dainty accent.

8:16 – Art Direction. I chose Benny Button again. Maybe I'll be right this time?

8:17 – The really artful Oscar goes to… Benny Button! Well, what do you know? I chose that one just 'cause I liked it. Apparently the real voters did, too…

8:19 – Sex and the City and Bond James Bond are now giving out a statue for costumes. I chose Benny Boy again – it spanned 80 years, including the Disco era, so it deserves something, right?

8:20 – The Best Dressed Oscar goes to…The Duchess. Haven't seen it, have no real desire to see it. So whatever this guy says really doesn't matter. (Yes, it's all about me.)

8:22 – Sarah and Danny #3! Wow, couldn't they find that many stars this year? Maybe it means they could cut back on the swag bags. Anyway, time for makeup… I went for Benny Button again.

8:23 – Who's looking pretty? Why, that'd be Benjamin Button! So I got two out of three. As Meatloaf so kindly sang, that ain't bad.

8:25 – Robert Pretty Boy from Twilight and the chick from Mamma Mia. No, not Meryl – the young one. Robert is brooding, Amanda is making good use of hairspray. They're here to tell us about romance in 2008. Mostly moody, semi-smutty, forlorn looks, from what I can tell. Oh, sure – there is a little bit of real chemistry out there, but Wall-E and Eve can't do it all.

8:31 – Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller. She looks good in pink, he looks bad in Joaquin. The audience doesn't seem to get the joke – that's too bad. Letterman must be at home laughing right now. Cinematography is the category. I went with Ben Button again – why switch boats in the middle of the river?

8:34 – Ben Stiller = comedy GENIUS!

8:35 – The award goes to… Anthony Mantle for Slumdog Millionaire. I only got his name right because it was on the screen. The cinematography in Slumdog really was good – it made the hell pits of India look like real hell pits.

8:36 – Oh, yeah – another MasterCard commercial! I can't live without one of those!!!

8:38 – Jessica Biel, without Timberlake…or any taste in clothing. (Ha! I trademarked that one, too! Eat your heart out, Gunn!) Jessica was the host of the sci-tech awards a couple of weeks ago, and she's here to tell us about all of the people who don't get a place on stage tonight. It's like the nerdy kids getting a mention in the yearbook, in between the BMOC and Homecoming Queen.

8:40 – And yet another commercial. I guess they got to pay for all those sets somehow.

8:41 – Ritz Cracker won for Best Supporting Cracker. Rigged! Rigged!

8:42 – Comedy in 2008. Was anything funnier than Tropic Thunder? I don't think so. And it would be funny to see an Oscar made into a pipe.

8:45 – Seth, James, and Januz. Proud to present the Oscar for Best Live Action Short. I went for Spietlzeugland, which really doesn't matter if I spelled it wrong.

8:47 – What do you know? Spietzel-whatever won. Even when I'm picking a winner at random, sometimes I just get lucky. I need to go buy a lottery ticket now.

8:48 – Commercials, commercials, commercials. More of them than there are stars in the sky.

8:51 – Hugh is on, wearing a dapper "Chicago" worthy tux. He's singing, dancing, and puttin' on the ritz. It's the Best Supporting Cracker, you know. Now he's got Beyonce singing with him. "…And I am a Material Girl." They're singing Grease songs. Greased Lightning indeed!

8:54 – Beyonce singing her best Moulin Rouge song. Funny, she sounds JUST like Pink.

8:55 – Uh, oh – Beyonce is singing At Last. Somewhere out there Etta James is pissed all over again!

8:56 – Mamma Mia. Abba has grown over the years, haven't they?

8:57 – The musical is indeed back. Thank you, Hugh!

8:58 – More commercials. Swell.

9:00 – The Maytag Repairman just drove over a whole line of washers and dryers in a monster truck. At the bottom of the screen it said "Do Not Attempt". Geez, that spoils THAT plan.

9:01 – Best Supporting Actor time. They're dragging out Chris Walken, Kevin Kline, Cuba No Good Movies, Alan Arkin, and Joel Grey – combined age? 993. (It's only fair – pick on the girls earlier, pick on the guys now.)

9:03 - Who told Phillip Seymour Hoffman that it's okay to wear your O.J. cap to the Oscars?

9:04 – Joel Grey – Mr. Cellophane.

9:05 – Cuba Gooding, looking for his career. Yeah, he's got an Oscar. Sometimes that not just enough. He's feigning anger at Robert Downey for wearing blackface. Oh, Cuba – it's not like they would've given you a shot at the role anyway…

9:06 – Christopher Walken – dead serious. What, no "Continental"?

9:07 – Kevin Kline, summing up Heath Ledger. Yeah, I too wish Heath could've been there in person, too. I just hope Dad doesn't climb on stage with an urn under his arm.

9:08 – And the Oscar goes to… Heath. The one sure bet of the night. Dad is up there talking, thanking on Heath's behalf. It's moments like this you really getting pissed at Heath for not being there in person. Bummer, I know.

9:10 – Documentary 2008. I really like documentaries, almost more than a lot of scripted films. As long as they don't star the cast of "Flavor of Love", I'll watch just about any real-life story.

9:13 – Bill Maher is here to give the award, and hopefully he'll get one last dig in on George W. while he's there. Take advantage of the moment, Billy Boy! Anywho, I chose Man on Wire, because Roger Ebert liked it. Yeah, I'm betting on Ebert's coattails. Forgive me.

9:14 – The documented winner is Man on Wire. Boy, we walked a tightrope on that one, didn't we boys?

9:16 – Now Bill gets to give out Best Doc Short. I went with The Witness, which was a one-in-five pick. The Oscar goes to Smile Pinky, which sounds like something The Brain would say during one of his schemes to take over the world.

9:22 – Hugh is back, and he's talking about post-production. This is the point we get cool things like trailers, posters, and negative early screening reviews on Aint It Cool News.

9:25 – Wil Smith – he got to come up on stage from out of the floor, like an Iron Chef. Man, I'd love to do that. Wil says that the nominees for Visual Effects are… Oh, who cares? I went with Dark Knight.

9:26 – Benjamin Button won. I should've stuck with my gut instinct, but noooo…. That's what I get for betting on sci-fi over epics. I'll need to remember that next year when Star Trek is nominated.

9:28 – No Wil is about to give away sound editing's Oscar. "Boom, goes the dynamite", says DJ Jazzy Stuttermouth. I went for Dark Knight again – I may be kicking myself in about 2 seconds…

9:29 – The Dark Knight wins! Hooray – a self-inflicted butt kicking is not necessary!

9:30 – We're two hours into this thing, and there are still 9 awards to go, plus Jerry Lewis' smugfest. Nope, we're not ending on time. No way.

9:31 – Wil and Sound Mixing. I went for the Dark Knight trifecta, although my ticket already lost that one.

9:32 – The best mixed sound? Why, that'd be Slumdog Millionaire. Aren't they lucky? And look – the winner is sporting a Nehru jacket! Faboo!

9:33 – Wil is back, 4 for 4. Are you sure HE'S not hosting this thing? It's time for film editing – I wish we could have a little "telecast editing" at this point…

9:34 – Cut, cut, print! The winner is Slumdog Zillionaire, who is earning a lot of gold tonight. I hope they don't risk it all on a $32,000 rupee question. Use the 50/50!

9:36 – Commercials make the world go 'round!

9:41 – well, that's five minutes of my life I'll never get back. And what did I learn for my efforts? I learned that I really love my TiVo. Ah, but that's the sacrifice we make for live television broadcasts. Anyway, here's Eddie Murphy, hopefully to apologize for Meet Dave.

9:43 – It's time to suck up to Jerry Lewis, who will more than likely say something really egotistical. That's Jerry's way. He raises cash for the needy, but his inflated ego overrides it sometimes. Still, if you can watch some of his old Martin & Lewis films, it almost makes up for it.

9:44 – Heeere's Jerry!

9:45 – Jerry threatened to come out on stage and say "It's about f'in time." Fortunately, he just said thank you. And he toned down his colossal sized ego, and kept his speech nice and short. My respect for him just went up two notches.

9:49 – Hugh and a guitar-strumming dude. It's time for Oscar-nominated songs. Peter Gabriel isn't there, because he's ticked off at the Academy for only giving him 65 seconds to sing his Wall-E song. Well, jeez Petey – if everyone got their way, then we'd be here until 2:00 AM instead of just 1:30! Besides, it's not like they were going to let you sing "Sledgehammer"…

9:53 – Original score time, courtesy of Zach Efron and Alicia Keys. Zach is a movie star, Alicia is a singer. But what the heck – it's a multitask world. Anyway, the Oscar goes to Slumdog Really Big Millionaire, adding another statue to that Indian shelf. And he too is sporting a Nehru jacket. I wonder if the fashion world is moving back that way? God, I hope not.


9:55 – And now Zach and Alicia are here to give out the award for Best Song. Two from Millionaire, one from Peter-Gabrielless Wall-E. Several of the "Indian" girls dancing on stage have obvious tramp stamps.

9:57 - Now John Legend is singing for Pete, who shouldn't have been such a big baby about it.

9:59 – Jai Ho! If it's Bollywood, it's hot this year. I still can't sit through a real Bollywood film, but in small doses I can tolerate it without having my curry come back up.

10:00 – Okay, Oscar time. The Best Original Song Oscar goes to Jai Ho! It's Nehru Jacket guy again, going 2 for 2. I'm glad that Peter didn't win – grudge bearers have no place on award shows. (That means you, Kanye.)

10:02 – One more set of commercials, to tell us about the virtues of shopping at JC Penney. Everything is better a Penney's, or so they say.

10:03 – I just realized that there are only 5 awards to go. Maybe we'll be done on time after all? Could it really be?

10:05 – Get back to your seats! Commercial is over!

10:06 – Liam Neeson and the hot chick from Slumdog Millionaire. Best Foreign Language Film time. 5 movies I haven't seen, and I doubt you have, either.

10:07 - But that's not important right now – SOMEONE has seen it, and the winner is…. Departures from Japan. Nope, still haven't seen it. I hope this nice Japanese man says "Domo Arigato", too…

10:08 – Sign – more commercials for Diet Coke. Aren't we all caffeinated enough by this point? I know that if I was to drink a Diet Coke at this time of night, I'd be up waaaay late. Why, maybe even until the end of this telecast.

10:10 – Queen Latifah is here, to run the annual Dead Guy Memorial Reel. One last tribute to those who've gone onto bigger and better things in Heaven, or are being forced to remake "Cool As Ice" over and over again in Hell. Latifah is singing, people are clapping for faces they recognize, and with that they're gone. See you in reruns on TNT, I suppose.

10:15 – The Paul Newman tribute was cool. But so was Paul.

10:15 – Another Hyundai ad. It's nice to see at least one automaker doesn't need a bailout, apparently.

10:18 – Hugh is here to introduce us to Sid Ganis, who is stepping down as head of the Academy. Can I have his job? Please?

10:18 – Reese Witherspoon is here to give out the award to the Best Director. Reese has bad eyebrows. (I have to credit Mrs. G. with that line. I stole it.) Reese also has a bad dress on, but I'll leave it to Tim Gunn to tell you about that. I'm getting tired.

10:21 – The best director this year? Why, that'd be Danny Boyle, for Slumdog Here We Go Again. He's jumping on stage like Tigger – that's original. I really liked Slumdog – have I mentioned that? – and I have a good feeling that in 9 minutes or less, it'll win best picture.

10:22 – More commercials. Oyvey. I really think everyone on Earth has bought a car, a diet beverage, a sporty top, and a nutty snack by now.

10:24 – It's Best Actress time, also known as The Kate Winslet Magic Hour. Here to present the award to Miss Winslet is Sofia Loren, Shirley MacLaine, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, and someone who doesn't speak English as a native language. Combined age? 992. (They get to be two years younger because of Halle and her enormous assets.)

10:27 – Shirley has a bad haircut. Anne Hathaway does not.

10:28 – Marion Whoever is setting up Super Kate, before she climbs on the stage. It's like a warmup act, before the Stones take the spotlight. Start me up!

10:29 – Halle! I can't type right now – I'm too busy looking.

10:30 – We're officially late. I interrupted Halle to let you know that. That's my commitment, from me to you. You're welcome.

10:30 – Sofia and her drunken look. How many vodka tonics did you have in the green room, honey? She's slurring her appreciation to Meryl. I hope Meryl appreciates it back.

10:31 – Finally, it's Nicole and her really pale skin to talk nice about Angelina Jolie. It's like night and day between those two, I swear. Angie would never wear feathers like that…

10:32 – Okay, let's get on with it. The Oscar goes to… GUESS WHO?

10:32 – Yeah, Kate! Something told me that you'd win. Call it instinct, call it skill, call it my lucky cat's foot. But I knew she'd be up there. So neener neener.

10:35 – Best Actor time – thank God there were no more commercials. It's time to truck out 5 former Oscar winners – maybe now we can see Jack?

10:36 – Okay, the final five are Robert De Niro, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody, and Mike Douglas. Combined age? Insurmountable. Methuselah was younger.

10:38 – Mikey Douglas, sucking up to Franklin Langella. I hope he doesn't climb down and into Frank's lap, like Hugh did a couple hours ago.

10:39 – Bobby De Niro, talking up Sean Penn. Sean is sitting with his legs spread wide open. Manners, Sean! You're at the freaking Oscars!

10:40 – Adrian Brody meets Richard Jenkins. Is he going to kiss him, like he did Halle? He'd better be careful – Langella might get jealous.

10:41 – Tony Hopkins and Brad Pitt. I hope they're making "Meet Joe Black, Part II."

10:41 - The first rule of the Oscars is you don't talk about how long the Oscars go. The second rule of the Oscars? YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT HOW LONG THEY GO.

10:42 – Gandhi is giving accolades to Mickey Rourke and his recently passed dog. Mickey was my choice for Best Actor, because he really was the only good thing in The Wrestler. Besides Marisa's nudity, of course.

10:43 – And the Oscar goes to… Sean Penn??? Good for him. My best guess was still on Mickey, but hey – this is California, home of prop 8. If they can't win at the polls, then by God they can win in Hollywood. Besides, the world would be a better place if we all just got along. That's my soapbox, without having to be a complete commie homo loving son of a gun.

10:47 – Stephen Spielberg is here, for the Big Cheese. Give it away, Stevie! We're tired, and you're late!

10:48 – Yet another film clip of the nominees for best picture. I've seen two of the nominated films (Benny and Slummy), and want to see the others – eventually. But my best is still on Slummy to win it all. We'll see…hopefully in less than an hour from now.

10:53 – At last! (oops, sorry Etta James.) Here's our winner….

10:54 – And the Oscar finally goes to: Slumdog Millionaire! Hooray! Now can we go to bed?

10:54 – So there you have it – I got 13 out of 24 on my ballot, not a bad night at all. True, it won't win me much in Vegas, but I still came out ahead. Now it's time to wrap up all this nonsense and drag my non-winning butt to dreamland.

10:55 – Mrs. G. also got 13 out of 24. A Tie? We don't do ties, not in our competitive family. We'll have to find something to have a tie-breaker over. Hey, isn't Top Chef's season finale this week? That may work.

10:56 – Hugh is back, one last time, to say goodnight. Only 26 minutes late. See ya, Hugh! You did a bang-up job.

Okay, that's all, folks. It's late, and my alarm is going to go off at 5:15 in the morning. So as the credits roll by, I'll close this by saying goodnight, good luck, and good going Kate Winslet. I knew you had it in you.

I love you all – we must do lunch.

Tommy G
02/22/09 11:00 PM

Busted!

Okay, go ahead and say it; I'll understand. And I'll fully agree. Like all men, I'm a pig. So there.

But I thought this picture was pretty funny, so I thought I'd share it with y'all. You can thank me (on many different levels) later.

It's from some Columbian lingerie show or something like that-- blah blah blah. I probably should have paid more details to the wording - you know, it's like saying "I only ready it for the articles...."

But the fact that there's a nearly naked hot chick in this photo isn't what made me laugh. No, it's this dude, seated in the front row.

He's got his camera phone out, and from the expression on his face, you can tell exactly where he's got that little Nokia zoom lens focused.

But the best part is the look on the face of the woman next him - his wife, perhaps? Girlfriend? Soon to be ex?

She ain't watching hot young things strut around in their skivvies - nope, she's watching her man take photos of some other chick's crack!

He's totally oblivious to the icy stares that his old lady is giving him, because he's too mesmerized by the hot piece in front of him. Meanwhile, his significant other is plotting his demise, probably in a unique and painful way.

Of course he'll naturally deny it later, but as they say, the camera doesn't lie.

See? All men truly are pigs.

I wish we had a photo of the couple out in the parking lot after the fashion show was over - I suspect it'd look a lot like this:

So a word to the wise, fellas - don't get snagged. And if you do, don't have a picture of you getting snagged appear on the top of Yahoo's most popular photo page.

You've been warned.

A Real Tongue Twister

It’s been nasty cold here lately in the Midwest. The kind of temperatures that tell you “give it up, kid, and just stay in bed today.” Fortunately, we’ve been lucky enough to warm up a little bit here in the Omaha area – true, it’s not sunny and 75, but when it’s been 10 below zero, 40 feels pretty nice.

But don’t celebrate Spring yet -- Old Man Winter isn’t done with us yet. Far from it. Here’s a perfect example of what happens when you jump the seasonal gun.

Did you happen to see this article late last week?



Now, I must admit that I have NEVER tried this. Or, at least that I can remember. Who knows – it may be one of those painful, God-awful memories I’ve permanently blocked from my mind, like the time I stepped in dog crap in my Waffle Stompers and couldn’t scrape it out, or my first marriage.

But after a brief survey of those around me, I discovered that yes indeed – several of my closest friends, allies, and even The Lovely Mrs. G – have tried putting their tongue on something frozen and metallic.

As the article so considerably points out, who hasn’t seen “A Christmas Story” to see what happens when you do this? It wasn’t a demonstration, kids – it was a warning! You don’t put your tongue on frozen poles, you don’t ask Santa for a b.b. gun, and you don’t buy leg lamps in the name of “haute couture”.

So let this be a painful lesson to you, kids. Watch where you put your tongue – it might come back to bite you.

And don’t step on any sidewalk cracks, either. Your mother will thank you.

Bye, George

In this time of troubling economic news, I hate to hear of anyone losing their job. Except for maybe this guy.



Yes, thank God that this man and the dumbass things he does is going on unemployment in about 48 hours from now. Now the only things he'll be able to screw up are the shrubs in his front yard.

I've never been a fan of W. (Gee, can you tell?) In fact, I made a living for a while bashing this dope and his stupidity. And of all the hate mail I got over the years, not one ever criticized me for calling him what he was: The Worst. President. Ever.

They say you can judge a leader's time in office with one simple question: Are you better off now than before he took office? Well, lemme think....

I don't think there's anyone this side of Halliburton who can answer that question "Yes". Certainly not anyone with a 401K. Certainly not anyone from New Orleans. Certainly not the families who had sons, daughters, husbands, wifes, fathers, mothers, or good friends killed in Iraq, trying to "defend our freedom" while searching for imaginary weapons.

But now it's time for George to pack up his saddle bag of lies and ride off into the sunset. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of Washington, Dubya.

I wish you a long and boring retirement. Just keep your hands to yourself, and you'll be fine.

As for the rest of us, we're looking at a fresh start, a chance to make up for all of your incredible snafus. Barack Obama has a lot of work ahead of him, cleaning up your messes, but if anyone can do it, it's him. Why? Well, it's because Barack has more courage and skill and brains in his little finger than you & Cheney have in your entire fat heads combined. So there.

So three cheers for President Obama - may he be the leader we've so desparately needed for the past 8 agonizing years.

And George -- don't go away mad. Just go away.