Say CHEESE!

Here's a current fashion trend that I've found to be both curious and a little bizarre: Dental Jewelry. You know - grills. Oh, excuse my lack-of-ghetto-boy-coolness: GRILLZ.

Maybe it's because I'm a middle aged white guy from B.F. Iowa, but I don't get the point of blinging your teeth up with extensive diamonds and gold. Wouldn't it taste like you were chewing on tin foil all day? Just give me a Mercedes hood ornament and some brass knuckles that say "LOVE" and "HATE", and I'll be set.

The Lovely Mrs. G. however is down on getting herself a bitchin grill ASAP. Her theory? (and I quote:) "My lack of a grill is holding me back from reaching my full hip hop potential." Word, baby. Word to yo mutha.

So apparently I'm alone in my disinterest in all things orally blingable... Check out this article online today:

Mouth Grills Become Flashy Fashion Trend

CLEVELAND - The hip-hop culture is sinking its teeth into a new fashion trend. Individual gold-capped teeth have given way to grills and fronts — removable mouthpieces made of gold, platinum or silver and sometimes studded with jewels.

The trend has been boosted by hip-hop icons such as Nelly and rappers like Paul Wall. After Nelly's 2005 hit "Grillz," which glorifies the trend, young people all over scrambled to wrap their chops around a shiny grill.

The mouthpieces are made from dental imprints and many are purchased online. But they are sold at local outlets too, like Wired Up at Tower City.

Generally, tooth imprints are made and sent to a jeweler who fashions the fronts and returns them to the client or retailer where the items were purchased.

Now, of course you know that someone out there has to be a spoilsport about this, right? I mean, four out of five dentists already insist that we chew sugarless gum. So it's no wonder that the A.D.A. is hopping mad at a money-making opportunity that they're not in on. Read on:

"The flashy mouth jewelry has caught the attention and concern of the American Dental Association. Matthew Messina, a Fairview Park dentist and ADA spokesman, said improper use and care of fronts can result in serious gum disease or cavities.

Messina has no problem with the aesthetic aspect of a grill, but he warns of problems down the road if they are not kept clean or if they are bonded to natural teeth. Snap-on grills do not fit particularly well in and around the teeth, he said, allowing food and bacteria to get trapped underneath, which can cause cavities or other problems like gum disease or gum recession. Other dangers include allergic reactions to cheap metals and adverse reactions to jewelry cleaners, which can burn gums, Messina said."

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Now, when I was a kid, when we wanted to dress up our teeth, we didn't go out and drop our limited allowance on flashy diamond encrusted mouthpieces. Heck, the kids who had to wear something like that were already referred to as "Silver Spit" or "Metal Mouth" anyway. ("Tinsel Teeth" was my personal favorite.) There was already a stigma for having something silvery in your mouth, and God forbid you were sentenced to Headgear Hell. So why voluntarily continue that endless torture beyond 11th grade?

But the boyz in my hood found an easier, more affordable way to make our choppers look damn fine...

That's right - plastic vampire fangs. $.59 cents at your neighborhood Pay 'N Save store, and best of all, they GLOWED IN THE DARK. Stylin’, aren’t they? And hey - once you became slick enough, you could slip them in and out of your mouth at a moments notice, without your teachers, minister, and/or Mom ever being the wiser.

So I say to all of you kids of America -- quit wasting your hard earned Burger King Bucks on overpriced dentures. Just run down to Walgreens and pick up a pair of sensible, affordable plastic teeth. You'll save a bundle, and hey - perhaps you'll start a new chic trend that all your favorite rap artists can pick up on and exploit to the fullest.

And best of all? No garlic required.