The Unofficial "Rip on K-Fed" Thread! (Volume I)

So which one of these photos do you think is more embarrassing for Miss Brit? This unflattering statue…

Or being spotted in public with this unflattering man?

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s a fact. In this world there are tools, and then there are TOOLS.
We here at Snarky Friday have patiently resisted delving into the mind of Kevin Federline (or, as one of our favorite sites “Snarkywood” calls him, “Federwang”) up until now, mainly because he’s such an asshat that I was hoping to wait until he really fell flat on his face, and then rip on him. You know, kick him while he’s down. That’s the Tommy G. way.

But Federwang recently gave an interview to Blender magazine, which according to the article written by Jeanette Walls and the nice people at MSNBC, proves once and for all three things:

1 – Federwang has one enormous set of man-rocks.
2 – Federwang doesn’t have the slightest bit of couth in that pointy little head of his.
3 – Federwang is a huge, huge, freaking huge tool.

Here’s what Dumbass Fed had to say (the emphasis is mine):

Blender mag asked Federline what he’ll do if his upcoming album fails. “I’ll be at your local strip club, but I’ll be the one dancing,” he replied.

With all the hours he devotes to rapping these days, how does Federline find time for his wife and children, the mag asked?

“I have no golf game anymore,” he explained. “Monday through Friday, I get up at 7:30 a.m., train at the gym for two hours, then go to the studio. I have weekends off to see my kids and to spend time with my old lady.”

Okay, let’s dissect his scaling of the wall of ignorance as such:

First, Federwang claims that “if” his music career sucks more than a $5 hooker with a crack habit, he’ll go swing from the strippers pole.

“I’ll be at your local strip club, but I’ll be the one dancing,” he replied.

1 – Okay, first, what’s this “if” crap? If I have any voting power in it, his album will tank faster than plans for “Ishtar II”. He’s gonna suck; it’s inevitable. I’ll stake my reputation as a blogger extraordinaire and a Federwang Hata on that.

2 – Um...who’d really pay to watch Federwang take off his clothes? I might give him a buck to keep them on, but really now.

3 – Actually, I’d actually love to come see him show up at Sioux City’s “Mavericks” strip club – it’s next door to the John Merrell slaughterhouse in the industrial part of town, in an area that’s definitely a “working man’s domain”. I’ve never been in Mavericks, but from what I understand, if you were to rate the girls who work there on a scale of 1 – 10, they’d all come in at about 3 below zero. The girls wear pasties, g-strings, and bags over their heads - it’s that kind of place.

So if Fed was to come work at my local strip club as the threatens, I’m sure he’d make all sorts of new friends. And we’ll find out what the locals think of his “pretty little mouth”.

Next up, let’s look at his comment about his busy daily routine:

“I have no golf game anymore,” he explained. “Monday through Friday, I get up at 7:30 a.m., train at the gym for two hours, then go to the studio.”

Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch. Some of us actually get up way before 7:30 there, pal. And if you really call jerking it at Gold’s gym for two hours “work”, then buddy, you’ve got some seriously misaligned priorities. Go back to McDonalds, jackass. I’m sure they’ve saved your old hairnet for you.

Finally, here’s the line that really killed me:

“I have weekends off to see my kids and to spend time with my old lady.”

Well, it’s nice to know that you spend a little quality time with your babies, Kev. Are you teaching them the importance of sponging off other people’s generosity yet? Maybe you can show them how a guy with an I.Q. in the single digits can somehow become famous for doing little more than impregnating women. Or, maybe when they’re about four years old, they can teach you how to read. That’d be nice.

But spending time with YOUR OLD LADY? Since when is referring to your meal ticket as an “old lady” considered a term of endearment? You’re trailer trash, Feddy – not a biker. Britney is all what – 22? I don’t think that qualifies her as your “old lady” quite yet, especially since I still suspect you’ll be out of the picture and stuck dating Paris Hilton and/or Courtney Love within two years.

So this is probably the first of several rants against Kevin Federline you’ll see here. His album comes out in August, and I can’t wait to tear it apart. Why? Because it’s so much damn fun.

People should be famous for heroic deeds or outstanding talent or selfless giving to others. Not for being a pinhead dipstick who thinks he’s God’s gift to slutty women.

So until K-Fed opens his mouth and says something else stupid (which will probably be Sunday), I’ll end it here. Lord knows he’ll give me some good material soon.

Have a good weekend, Federwang. Try not to lick any frozen stripper poles.