The 78th Annual Academy Awards - Live Blog!

It's Oscar Night!
The computer is fired up.
The TiVo remote is at my side.
The snark is on.

7:00 – Live, from the Kodak Theater in beautiful downtown Hollywood, it’s the 78th Annual Academy Awards – the most important 3 hours (minimum) of your frickin life for 2006!

7:01 – The opening montage is pretty cool – all sorts of classic movie scenes intertwined in a Golden Hollywood. Someone gets an “A” in PhotoShop.

7:02 – Oh, God – here it comes. Our first Brokeback Joke. They’re looking for a host. Billy Crystal and Chris Rock? Cool. Steve Martin? The bomb. Whoopie! Dave! Mel Gibson – pimping his Aztec movie. Mr. Moviephone? I bet he’d take the job.

7:04 – Jon Stewart in bed with Halle Berry. Every man’s dream.

7:04 – Jon Stewart in bed with George Clooney. Every man’s second dream.

7:05 – Here we go. Our first gratuitous shot of Jack Nicholson in the front row.

7:05 – The first Death to Smoochy joke. I wonder how many people in the audience have actually seen it? I’m betting on two or three of the lighting grips, and that’s about it.

7:07 – The theme is “A Return To Glamour.” Someone tell that to the ladies with pockets in their dresses.

7:08 – Oh, there’s our second Jack shot. He’s sitting next to Kiera Knightly. I hope they’re not engaged by this time next week.

7:10 – “Sad news. Bjork couldn’t be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her.” 10 points to Jon Stewart’s writers!

7:12 – Jack Shot #3!

7:13 – Jon Stewart seems awfully nervous, doesn’t he? He’s now babbling on about Gay Westerns.

7:13 – Somewhere I’m guessing right now John Wayne is spinning in his 10-gallon grave.

7:15 – The first award – here comes Nicole Kidman. She’s giving out Best Supporting Actor. I voted for Clooney. Because, you know…he’s pretty.

7:19 – George wins! This should be a good speech.

7:20 – George was very humble. A good winner. He got in his digs slightly, but kept his dignity. Good for you, Mr. Pretty.

7:21 – Commercial #1 – time for a roast beef sandwich.

7:24 – We’re back. Someone described the Oscar set as “Poseidon’s microwave”. I’d tend to agree.

7:25 Tom Hanks is showing us the proper way to accept an Oscar and make our speech in 45 seconds. Too bad he couldn’t have shown us the proper way to comb his hair.

7:26 – Ben Stiller, in green P.J.s. Best Visual Effects. King Kong wins. See what $300 million gets you? A little gold statue.

7:30 – Reese Witherspoon. Mrs. G. still doesn’t like the dress. Best Animated Feature. Notice how “Chicken Little” isn’t nominated?

7:31 – Wallace and Gromit win it. I hope they get a gold statue, and not a clay one. Nick Parks and his buddy have cool ties; it’s nice to see they brought one for Oscar. I bet Chicken Little’s producers wouldn’t have thought of that.

7:32 – Naomi Watts to introduce Dolly Parton’s nominated song. I’ve already made one Dolly joke tonight, so I’ll give it a rest. But let me say that I hope I look that good at age 59. Way to go there, Miss Parton.

7:35 – Dolly song is very nice, but I’m not about to burn it to CD. Bring on the Pimp Love.

7:36 – Jack shot #4, clapping along with Dolly’s traveling through song. That Jack – he’s got the beat.

7:38 – As they went to commercial, they showed Meryl Streep sitting with her date Lily Tomlin. Who knew?

7:42 – Luke and Owen Wilson. Two guys, one half of a talent. Live Action Short. I picked “Six Shooter”, even though I’ve never seen one of these movies, and I’ll probably never have a chance to. Shame, ain’t it? They’ll show Deuce Bigalow until the end of days, but you’ll never see one of these.

7:43 – Six Shooter wins. It was a lucky guess, that’s all.

7:44 – The Wilson Boys are back – this time with Chicken Little and Abby Mallard. As we said, this was the only chance that Chicken Little would get on this show. Best Short Film – Animated. I voted for “9”, because it’s Pixar. I think.

7:45 – The Moon in the Sun. John Canemaker wins. I’ve got a lot of John’s books – he writes about Disney a lot. He promotes the power of hand drawn animation, so bonus points to him.

7:46 – Jennifer Aniston. Not really a major movie star, but who cares when you look like she does? Best Costumes. I voted for Memoirs of a Geisha, but what do I know about clothing? I’m the guy with 30 Mickey Mouse t-shirts.

7:48 – Memoirs of a Geisha wins. Chairman Kaga would be so proud!

7:50 – Russell Crowe! Here to introduce a film clip about films based on real people. Cute Chuck Workman film, but that’s about all you can say about it.

7:56 – Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell. Why wasn’t 40 Year Old Virgin nominated for best picture? That’s what I’m saying. Best Makeup award. Will is wearing far too much blush, and Steve has on some lovely eyelashes. Maybe next year they’ll hire union makeup artists? (Yes, I know it’s a joke. I’m not that daff.)

7:57 – Narnia wins. Hooray for Disney! Since Chicken Little wasn’t going to bring home the gold, it needed to have someone come through.

7:59 – Time for the Scientific Award recap, from two weeks ago. Rachel McAdams is here to tell us about all the guys who weren’t cool or A-list enough to make it to the Big Show. But hey, they still got Oscars AND a banquet. Probably a better party, too. No publicists to get in the way of a good time.

8:01 – Morgan Freeman, here to present Best Supporting Actress. I voted for Amy Adams, because Roger Ebert said to. Morgan just flubbed his Teleprompter lines. At least he handled it well.

8:03 – Rachel Weisz wins. VERY pregnant, ain’t she? I hope she thanks her unborn child. Pretty boring speech, but she seemed genuinely surprised, so maybe she’s a decent actress after all.

8:11 – Back from one heck of a long commercial. And look – it’s Lauren Bacall, looking really good for an old lady. She’s introducing yet another Chuck Workman film, this time on Film Noir. Too bad she can’t read her Teleprompter lines. Glasses, my dear! When you’re 80+, it’s okay to put on the spectacles.

8:16 – Jon Stewart presents a film that MoveOn.org would absolutely love. Did Karl Rove help write this?

8:18 – Terrence Howard presents Best Documentary Short. He’s wearing a dashing broach on his tux. Brave man.

8:20 – A Note of Triumph wins – yet another movie I won’t be able to see, because HBO is filled with Shrek 2.

8:21 – I just noticed that they’re actually letting the winners on stage this year. Thank God they’re giving these people their pride back along with their nominations.

8:22 – Charlieze Theron, in an ugly dress that hides her otherwise nice rack. She’s here for Best Documentary Feature, but it’s hard to take your eyes off her bad orange tan-glow. Anyway, I voted for March of the Penguins, because everyone loved it.

8:23 – Whattya know – the little Tennessee Tuxedos won. Good for them. The winners even brought stuffed penguins on stage; I guess everyone needs a security blanket.

8:25 – Speaking of glow tans, here’s Jennifer Lopez! J-Lo is wearing a nice green dress that doesn’t show her cookie. That’s worth an award alone. Anyway, she’s here for the song from the movie “Crash”. I’ve never heard this song before, outside of the movie of course. And quite honestly, I don’t remember it in the film. I was too busy watching Matt Dillon play a baddie and listening to Sandra Bullock curse. Regardless, Crash was a good flick, and the burning car on stage behind this lady singing is a nice touch. I wonder if they just towed in a burning Buick from Compton?

8:27 – Hey! Her lip synching track just skipped! Who is this lady – Ashlee Simpson?

8:32 – Back from more commercials. The show is technically half over, but we’ll see about that.

8:33 Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. I hope they don’t reenact scenes from Speed 2. Here’s the award for Art Direction. I voted for Geisha, because someone has to win.

8:35 – Keanu gives the Oscar to – Whoa! – Memoirs of a Geisha. I guessed another one right. God – I need to go buy a lottery ticket. This winner is about to get played off – he’s running his mouth too much.

8:37 – Samuel L. Jackson – the King of Cool. I like Julius, and would gladly have a Royale with Cheese with him anytime. He’s cool like the Fonz. Anyway, Samuel is here with another film clip, this time about movies that reflected history and conflict. That Chuck Workman is getting quite the workout tonight.

8:40 – Jack shot #5! Thank God he’s still in his seat.

8:40 – Sid Ginnis, president of the Academy. Wake me up when he’s done. Or when he approves my nomination to join. Whichever comes first.

8:41 – God, Sid is one dull guy. Why can’t they play him off, too?

8:43 – While Sidney rambles on, I counted my ballot. 10 awards have been given out, 14 more to go. C’mon, stud – let’s get on with it! Some of us have to get up for work tomorrow.

8:45 – Thank God Sid is finally through. Now it’s time for Salma Hayek, looking hot as always. Salma is introducing Bill Conti, the musical director down in the pit. He bowed, then gave himself a little bit of a fanfare. Nice touch, Bill.

8:46 – Salma now introduces Itsack Perlman (spelled way incorrectly, I’m sure), to play bits from the 5 nominated films for Best Score. It’s too bad that Hustle & Flow isn’t nominated in this category – I’ve always wanted to hear “Hit That Trick” on violin.

8:49 – Brokeback Mountain just won it’s first Oscar of the night. Some guy named Gustavo is the big winner. Good for him – he scored with the Score.

8:51 – Jack Shot #6, as they went to commercial! Nothing says “Buy Diet Coke” or “Wear Revlon” more than Cool Jack.

8:55 – Jake Gyllinwhatshisname is here, wearing what appears to be the world’s worst rental tux. Geez, Jake – you’re a wealthy man. Buy a real tie, will you? Anyway, here’s yet another Chuck Workman movie – this one about epic films that should be seen in 70-mm Cinerama. I like Chuck as much as the next guy, but c’mon – how many dramatic 5 second snap clips do we need in one awards show?

9:00 – Jessica Alba and Eric Bana. Jessica is looking especially lovely tonight. Eric? Who cares. Jessica is on stage. It’s time for the Sound Mixing award. I voted for Narnia, because Aslan roars like a mofo.

9:02 – King Kong wins its second Oscar tonight. I guess Kong’s growls were more impressive than Aslan’s.

9:03 – It’s Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep, on stage together to present a special award. That explains why they were together in the audience. Aw. I knew it was something innocent.

9:03:30 – Jack Shot #7!

9:04 – Anyway, Lily and Meryl are giving an honorary Oscar to Robert Altman. They’re talking over each other, which not-so-coincidentally is how Robert Altman films his movies. It’s one of the unusual, offbeat introductions we’ve ever seen, but sometimes ad-lib is a good thing. You’ve gotta love Lily and Meryl.

9:10 – After the film clip, out comes Altman to a standing ovation…and Jack Shot #8! They played him onstage with “Suicide is Painless”, which while easily recognizable, is still kind of odd. A bloody war movie for an honorary Oscar? Anyway, Altman is giving his speech, and pimping his current London stage play AND his summer movie, “Prairie Home Companion.” Way to go to get in the plugs, Bob! I think it’s cool they gave Altman an honorary directing Oscar – now, why can’t we get off our butts and give one to Scorsese, fellas? Okay, off that soap box for tonight. Altman’s speech is sincere, and you can see his eyes watering up. If he was an actor I’d wonder if he’d put soap in his eyes to bring on the tears. But I think he’s honest.

9:17 – It’s time for Ludicris! Chris “Ludicris” Bridges is here to nominate my choice for best song, “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp”. It’s actually a very addictive song. And it’s cool to watch all these stuffed shirts have to listen to ghetto rap. I bet half of the ladies in the audience are clutching their purses twice as hard now. They just censored something – I thought “bitches” and “hos” were allowed tonight. Damn you, Janet Jackson. Look what you’ve done to entertainment.

9:19 – It’s an odd musical production – it’s more MTV than Academy Award. The singer also has silver teeth. Bitchin’. Word. Yo. Still, the lead female singer is belting it good. She just held the word PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMPPPPPP for a good 10 seconds.

9:20 – It’s Queen Latifah, here to give out the Best Song award. I voted for “Pimp”, because it’s the only one I’ll ever listen to again after tonight.

9:21 – What do you know – Rap Music Wins! I hope the censor is ready for the acceptance speech. And there they go. One only bleep – not bad.

9:22 – Jack Shot #8! I’m glad to see he survived his close encounter with Negros.

9:23 – Another PAC version of political/sound editing commercials. Very funny, from the boys at the Daily Show. Jennifer Garner is here to present the Sound Editing award, still packing her Mom Boobs. Yeah, Jennifer! Oh, the award. I voted for King Kong, based on that loud growl we discussed earlier.

9:24 – King Kong wins again. That makes 3 awards for a movie about monkeys on steroids. The third version of it. Just imagine how many awards they’d get for an original movie!

9:26 – George Clooney. We’ve already established tonight that he’s pretty, so there’s not much else to say. George is here to run the Dead People Film Clip – honoring a handful of those who’ve croaked in the last 12 months. I’m betting that the last Dead Guy they show will be Don Knotts, who kicked the bucket just a week ago.

9:29 – The last of the dead guys was Richard Pryor. Don Knotts wasn’t included at all. What – did they forget about “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken”? For shame!

9:37 – Will Smith is here to present the award for Best Foreign Language film. I voted for Tsotsi, once again because Roger Ebert told me to. Hey, who am I to disobey Roger Ebert? He might give me a thumbs down!

9:38 – The winner is Tsotsi – thank you, Roger! Thank you!

9:41 – Next up is Ziyi Zhang, from Memoirs of a Geisha. I read not too long ago her English wasn’t so sharp yet. And you know what? She did pretty well – much better than my Chinese. She’s here to give the Oscar to Best Film Editing, which went to “Crash”. Hey, that’s what I picked. Look out, Kreskin. And in honor of this award, I’m editing my comments. Why normally I would’ve told you that….

9:44 – Hillary Swank is here, looking good. She still has a horse face, though. Thank God she never married John Elway. Anyway, that was mean. But it’s time for Best Actor, so there’s no time to apologize. I voted for Philip Seymour Hoffmann, because he said he’d bark his acceptance speech in a bet his made with friends years ago. Just for that I think he deserves to win.

9:46 – Woof! Woof! Phillip won. He’s shading his eyes from the bright lights. What’s up with that? Maybe Jack will loan him his sunglasses. Oh, and he didn’t bark. Spoil sport!

9:53 – M & M’s just had the funniest commercial of the night – a yellow M & M with collagen implants. Ever seen milk chocolate with duck lips? It’s almost Super Bowl worthy.

9:54 – Jon is waving to Bill Conti again. Who ever said that musicians don’t get attention?

9:56 – It’s John Travolta. Vinnie Barbarino lives! Time for the best Cinematography Award. I picked Brokeback, because for no reason.

9:57 – Memoirs of a Geisha wins again. Too bad more people didn’t see their movie. Travolta is waving to people in the audience while the guy gives his speech. What are you, Johnny – 5 years old in the school play?

9:59 – Jamie Foxx is here to give out the Best Actress award. He’s got huge diamonds in his ears. Hey, if I had his dough, I’d have monster bling on, too. Even if it does blind small children from the glare. Anyway, I voted for Felicity Huffman, because I like her. Reese will probably win, but my heart is still with Felicity.

10:01 – Reese wins. I have nothing nice to say, so I’ll just say congrats Reese. Now go home. All night long they’ve been playing music during people’s acceptance speeches, but they shut it off during Reese’s. Fortunately, she didn’t go on for 40 minutes. On behalf of bedtimes everywhere, thanks Reese.

10:03 – This show was supposed to be over by now, but according to my checklist there are still four awards to go – directing, screenplays, and picture. Thank God we’re not in the Eastern time zone yet – it’d be getting mighty late if we were.
10:08 – It’s time for screenplay Oscars, and who better to pass them out than Dustin Hoffman? He’s taking the longest walk out ever. Anyway, this is Best Adapted Screenplay. I voted for Brokeback, because everyone says it’s the one. I’m just one to go along with the crowd sometimes, I suppose. But since I haven’t seen any of the five nominees, you’ve got to start somewhere.

10:09 – Brokeback wins. See? Always trust your instincts. And the teeming millions. Larry McMurtry is one of the winners, and he was his tux coat on with blue jeans. Now THAT’S COWBOY!!! He thanked all of the booksellers of he world. As someone who sold many of his books years ago, I gladly accept. You’re welcome, Larry. Now go have another drink.

10:12 – It’s Uma Thurman, in yet another beige dress. Mrs. G. really wants to know what’s up with that. She’s here to give the award for Best Original Screenplay. I voted for Crash, which by golly won. Again, it was because it was the only one of the nominated movies I saw. I really need to get out more often.

10:16 – Hopefully this is the last commercial break. I can’t take anymore McDonalds, Diet Coke, L’oreal, or AT&T messages. I’m a guy who lives by his TiVo, and rarely watches live TV. It’s much easier to watch 60 minutes of TV when you can fast forward the commercials and get through it in 42.

10:19 – Jon Stewart is back, mocking Larry McMurtry’s jeans. Is that very nice? Oh, well. Speaking of “nice”, here’s Tom Hanks to give out the award for Best Direction. I went with Ang Lee for Brokeback, because hopefully the Academy has a short attention span, and forgot all about “The Hulk”.

10:20 – Ang Lee wins. Yes, The Hunk is a distant memory. Ang makes the only “I wish I could quit you” joke of the night. Nobody laughs. Maybe it’s the accent.

10:21 – It’s time for Best Picture, and there’s only one guy who can truly do the honors – JACK!!! Yes, Jack Nicholson – The Dude! He’s still got his shades on. By God – he’s still mighty cool. I voted for Brokeback, although I’d really like to see Crash win.

10:23 – And the Oscar goes to… Crash!!!! Wow, how wild is that? Everyone thought Brokeback was going to win it all. But look at that.

10:25 – Shocking. Just shocking. But hey, it WAS a good movie.

10:29 – it’s finally over – 30 minutes late. Jon Stewart did an okay job hosting, and overall it wasn’t THAT dull of a show. Predictable, except for “Hard Out Here For A Pimp” and “Crash” winning. Still, not a bad way to spend the evening. Sure beats the heck out of watching college basketball.

So in the Gressel family guessing game, I got 16 out of 24. Miss Katie got 8 out of 24, and the lovely Mrs. G. got 7. Mrs. G. tends to vote for who she wants to win – I vote based on who Roger Ebert says. So thanks to Rog, I win this year’s contest. There’s no prize, other than a few bragging rights until I inevitably push it too far and piss Mrs. G. off with the endless gloating. So instead this year I’ll just keep my mouth shut and not push it too far.

10:31 – Well kids, that’s it. Another Oscar telecast down the hatch. Time to go post this sucker, then drag my butt to bed. No post-show parties for this working stiff.

So congratulations to everyone – winners and non-winners alike. See you next year. I’ll have my tux cleaned and my speech written, just in case.

Because it’s Hollywood – and you never know what’s going to happen.