Oscar Preshow - Live Blog!
5:00 PM (All times Central): Wow, there’s a genuine “buzz” in the air – can you feel it? Only two hours until the Oscars!
Isn’t it exciting? I hope I don’t piddle myself with anticipation. I have my best Vera Wang gown on, I’ve rolled out the 6-foot chunk of red carpet I found behind Pizza Hut’s dumpster, and I have my snarky speech written and ready to go, in the unlikely event I – Thomas J. Gressel, movie fan and wise-ass extraordinaire – surprise everyone and win Best Non-Actor In A Live Blogging Role.
Okay, I’ve probably napped a little too long this afternoon, haven’t I? I need to go get a Diet Pepsi and wake up a little bit more. So I’ll see you in 60 minutes for the red carpet fun.
6:00 – The Variety Club telethon that ABC was showing is now over – enough with helping unfortunate children. Bring on the multimillionaire fashions!
6:01 – Oh, God – it’s Billy Bush. What a tool. Plus he’s related to HIM. That makes him a tool times two.
6:01 – Vanessa Minello – who the hell is that? I must not spend enough of my free time watching Access Hollywood or E! Damn me, anyway.
6:03 – Amy Adam’s dress has POCKETS! in it. You’d better watch those Oscars closely. People have been known to stuff hams into pockets that big.
6:04 – Hey, it’s Dolly Parton at the Oscars. She’s nominated for one of the Best Songs tonight. No matter what happens tonight, Dolly is already the proud owner of two Golden Globes. (Sorry, old Johnny Carson joke. God, I miss Johnny.)
6:07 – Ooh, look! A Carnival cruise commercial. Sigh…..
6:09 – Naomi watts. The Lovely Mrs. G. says that her dress is “very beige.” I don’t think she meant it as a compliment.
6:11 – Paul Giamatti – What, wasn’t there a Gillette Turbo 4-blade razor in the swag bag?
6:12 – Tim Burton just admitted he only own one tie. That’s PATHETIC. I mean, even I own two!
6:13 – Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. Everything I’ve read this week says that they don’t care about the movie or the awards at all – just their baby. And lookie there - Heath just mentioned baby Matilda! He gets bonus points for honesty.
6:14 – Wil Smith and Jada Pickett Smith. I had no idea he was so much taller than she is. You’d think Susan Anton and Dudley Moore were back.
6:15 – they’re playing monkey trivia. How many of these simian movies can you name? Well, they’re playing “I Wanna Be Like You” from Jungle Book, which gives it instant coolness. Ain’t it great that Disney owns ABC? Otherwise we’d probably have to listen to “Abba Dabba Abba Dabba Said the Monkey to the Chimp.”
6:20 – Billy Bush just showed Cuba Gooding Jr. but called him Terrence Howard. I told you he’s a tool.
6:20 – Good Lord – Sandra Bullock’s dress has pockets, too! I’m smelling a trend!
6:22 – Leonard Maltin is wearing a Mickey Mouse lapel pin. You’re okay in my book, Lenny. I’d have a Mickey pin on too if I was there. Instead, I have a Mickey t-shirt on as I sit in front of the TV in Sioux City. See? It’s like a connection.
6:25 – Oh, now they’re playing movie villain trivia. I hope they show Billy Bush.
6:26 – Ooh, look - it’s a Jessica Simpson soft core pizza commercial. Probably the closest that girl will ever get to an Oscar…
6:29 – George Clooney. Mrs. G. says he’s “pretty”. How can you argue with that?
6:30 – It’s Terrence Howard. The REAL Terrence Howard. Cynthia Whatever just introduced Terrence as “You made us fall in love with a pimp.” Well. Someone hand me a sani-wipe, will you? I’ve done a lot of odd things in my life, but I can honestly say that I’ve never fallen in love with a pimp.
6:32 – Jennifer Aniston. She can still smile after all the crap the tabloids put her through. If that isn’t Best Actress worthy, I don’t know what is.
6:33 – Reese Witherspoon and Mr. Reese (Ryan). Mrs. G. doesn’t like her dress. Not sure why.
6:35. Matt Dillon. I still can’t look at him without thinking of “Something About Mary.” Quick, someone hand him some big false teeth. Ask Billy Bush – I bet he has a spare set.
6:36 – Love Movie Trivia. Brought to you by a Garth Brooks song, or a really lousy Garth knockoff.
6:41 – Felicity Huffman. I voted for her on my in-house Oscar ballot as Best Actress, even though I really think Reese will win. Still, a fella can hope.
6:42 – Philip Seymour Hoffman. He’s come a long way from Twister and Boogie Nights, hasn’t he? Good luck to you, dude.
6:44 – Sound difficulties! Let’s hear it for live television. I’m really looking forward to the “live TV” aspect later, especially when they sing about bitches and hos with “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.” Word.
6:45 – Vanessa is asking Jake Guyanwhatshisname about kissing a man. Move on, people! Move one!
6:46 – They’re recapping the 5 best picture nominees. Since I’ve only seen one of them (Crash), that’s the one I’ll have to root for. Pathetic, aren’t we? Here I am, snarking on the film industry, and I’ve only seen 20% of the movies. Don’t they usually say that if you don’t vote, you shouldn’t complain? Aw, screw it. It’s our God-given duty to comment on the awards. If I don’t do it, who will?
6:48 – They just showed the accountants from Price Waterhouse. I hope they enjoyed accounting class more than I did.
6:51 – There are 9 minutes to go. Time to play several hundred last minute commercials. Because you know that they will only have one – maybe two – commercial breaks during the telecast, right? That way they can remain on schedule. Oscar telecasts like to be on time, don’t they?
6:52 – Billy Bush is now inside the Kodak Theater, standing in the middle of the aisle. Move your fat ass, Bush. You make a better tool than window.
6:53 – Rachel Weitz. I hope I spelled that right – she’s pretty enough to deserve a proper spelling. Mrs. G. thinks her dress is “pretty and simple.” She’s also 7 months pregnant. So good for her, for making maternity look elegant.
6:54 – Jamie Foxx and his sister – who’s hair looks like a Conehead. I hope Wolfgang Puck is serving fried eggs and beer at the Governor’s Ball.
6:55 – They’re critiquing fashions. I hope they mention the pockets.
6:56 – They’re wrapping it up, so it’s time to go inside and start the actual ceremony blog. Before I have to see Billy Bush again.
Let the show begin!
Isn’t it exciting? I hope I don’t piddle myself with anticipation. I have my best Vera Wang gown on, I’ve rolled out the 6-foot chunk of red carpet I found behind Pizza Hut’s dumpster, and I have my snarky speech written and ready to go, in the unlikely event I – Thomas J. Gressel, movie fan and wise-ass extraordinaire – surprise everyone and win Best Non-Actor In A Live Blogging Role.
Okay, I’ve probably napped a little too long this afternoon, haven’t I? I need to go get a Diet Pepsi and wake up a little bit more. So I’ll see you in 60 minutes for the red carpet fun.
6:00 – The Variety Club telethon that ABC was showing is now over – enough with helping unfortunate children. Bring on the multimillionaire fashions!
6:01 – Oh, God – it’s Billy Bush. What a tool. Plus he’s related to HIM. That makes him a tool times two.
6:01 – Vanessa Minello – who the hell is that? I must not spend enough of my free time watching Access Hollywood or E! Damn me, anyway.
6:03 – Amy Adam’s dress has POCKETS! in it. You’d better watch those Oscars closely. People have been known to stuff hams into pockets that big.
6:04 – Hey, it’s Dolly Parton at the Oscars. She’s nominated for one of the Best Songs tonight. No matter what happens tonight, Dolly is already the proud owner of two Golden Globes. (Sorry, old Johnny Carson joke. God, I miss Johnny.)
6:07 – Ooh, look! A Carnival cruise commercial. Sigh…..
6:09 – Naomi watts. The Lovely Mrs. G. says that her dress is “very beige.” I don’t think she meant it as a compliment.
6:11 – Paul Giamatti – What, wasn’t there a Gillette Turbo 4-blade razor in the swag bag?
6:12 – Tim Burton just admitted he only own one tie. That’s PATHETIC. I mean, even I own two!
6:13 – Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. Everything I’ve read this week says that they don’t care about the movie or the awards at all – just their baby. And lookie there - Heath just mentioned baby Matilda! He gets bonus points for honesty.
6:14 – Wil Smith and Jada Pickett Smith. I had no idea he was so much taller than she is. You’d think Susan Anton and Dudley Moore were back.
6:15 – they’re playing monkey trivia. How many of these simian movies can you name? Well, they’re playing “I Wanna Be Like You” from Jungle Book, which gives it instant coolness. Ain’t it great that Disney owns ABC? Otherwise we’d probably have to listen to “Abba Dabba Abba Dabba Said the Monkey to the Chimp.”
6:20 – Billy Bush just showed Cuba Gooding Jr. but called him Terrence Howard. I told you he’s a tool.
6:20 – Good Lord – Sandra Bullock’s dress has pockets, too! I’m smelling a trend!
6:22 – Leonard Maltin is wearing a Mickey Mouse lapel pin. You’re okay in my book, Lenny. I’d have a Mickey pin on too if I was there. Instead, I have a Mickey t-shirt on as I sit in front of the TV in Sioux City. See? It’s like a connection.
6:25 – Oh, now they’re playing movie villain trivia. I hope they show Billy Bush.
6:26 – Ooh, look - it’s a Jessica Simpson soft core pizza commercial. Probably the closest that girl will ever get to an Oscar…
6:29 – George Clooney. Mrs. G. says he’s “pretty”. How can you argue with that?
6:30 – It’s Terrence Howard. The REAL Terrence Howard. Cynthia Whatever just introduced Terrence as “You made us fall in love with a pimp.” Well. Someone hand me a sani-wipe, will you? I’ve done a lot of odd things in my life, but I can honestly say that I’ve never fallen in love with a pimp.
6:32 – Jennifer Aniston. She can still smile after all the crap the tabloids put her through. If that isn’t Best Actress worthy, I don’t know what is.
6:33 – Reese Witherspoon and Mr. Reese (Ryan). Mrs. G. doesn’t like her dress. Not sure why.
6:35. Matt Dillon. I still can’t look at him without thinking of “Something About Mary.” Quick, someone hand him some big false teeth. Ask Billy Bush – I bet he has a spare set.
6:36 – Love Movie Trivia. Brought to you by a Garth Brooks song, or a really lousy Garth knockoff.
6:41 – Felicity Huffman. I voted for her on my in-house Oscar ballot as Best Actress, even though I really think Reese will win. Still, a fella can hope.
6:42 – Philip Seymour Hoffman. He’s come a long way from Twister and Boogie Nights, hasn’t he? Good luck to you, dude.
6:44 – Sound difficulties! Let’s hear it for live television. I’m really looking forward to the “live TV” aspect later, especially when they sing about bitches and hos with “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.” Word.
6:45 – Vanessa is asking Jake Guyanwhatshisname about kissing a man. Move on, people! Move one!
6:46 – They’re recapping the 5 best picture nominees. Since I’ve only seen one of them (Crash), that’s the one I’ll have to root for. Pathetic, aren’t we? Here I am, snarking on the film industry, and I’ve only seen 20% of the movies. Don’t they usually say that if you don’t vote, you shouldn’t complain? Aw, screw it. It’s our God-given duty to comment on the awards. If I don’t do it, who will?
6:48 – They just showed the accountants from Price Waterhouse. I hope they enjoyed accounting class more than I did.
6:51 – There are 9 minutes to go. Time to play several hundred last minute commercials. Because you know that they will only have one – maybe two – commercial breaks during the telecast, right? That way they can remain on schedule. Oscar telecasts like to be on time, don’t they?
6:52 – Billy Bush is now inside the Kodak Theater, standing in the middle of the aisle. Move your fat ass, Bush. You make a better tool than window.
6:53 – Rachel Weitz. I hope I spelled that right – she’s pretty enough to deserve a proper spelling. Mrs. G. thinks her dress is “pretty and simple.” She’s also 7 months pregnant. So good for her, for making maternity look elegant.
6:54 – Jamie Foxx and his sister – who’s hair looks like a Conehead. I hope Wolfgang Puck is serving fried eggs and beer at the Governor’s Ball.
6:55 – They’re critiquing fashions. I hope they mention the pockets.
6:56 – They’re wrapping it up, so it’s time to go inside and start the actual ceremony blog. Before I have to see Billy Bush again.
Let the show begin!
posted by Tommy G at
10:40 PM
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