It's Snarky Friday Once Again!

In today’s Snarky Friday exhibit, we’re going to start out by begging God for forgiveness. Because obviously He is punishing us for something.

Oh Heavenly Father, whatever it is that we’ve done to offend you, we’re terribly, terribly sorry. We won’t do it again, whatever it might have been. Amen.

You see, the nice people of my hometown of Sioux City are about to be chastised in ways that can only be called “cruel and unusual”. No, I’m not talking about hail or raining frogs or rivers turning to blood – it’s much worse than that.

Ashlee Simpson is coming to town.

All things considered, I’d have preferred the boils and locusts, but what can you do?

Yes, Miss Lip Sync herself is coming to Sioux City’s Tyson Event Center in a “headlining” performance on Friday, March 31. And hey – tickets are only $35 clams apiece! Why, it’s practically a bargain!

Dontcha wanna go? Dontcha? Dontcha? Dontcha?

Um…no. Not on your life. No freaking way.

As you may have presumed by my sheer and utter disgust (and the fact I just threw up in my mouth a little bit at the mere mention of her name), I’m not a member of the Ashlee Simpson Fan Club. And while I’m at it, let me add that I’m also not so wild about her sister, either. If Jessica would just keep her mouth shut she’d go up a few points in my book. But every time she speaks, angels weep. They’re both manufactured pop junk food – 100 percent fluff, zero percent nutritional value.

Part of the reason that I despise Ashlee and her ilk may be that I’m a cynical 40 year old guy, and not a 12 year old giggly girl. Another huge part is that Sioux City radio is practically held hostage by Clear Channel, aka Satan’s Little Helper. I’m fairly sure that they’re the evil bastards behind befouling my fair community with this atrocity.

But a large part of my recoiling in pain may be my vast knowledge of all things musically good. (Well, at least I think my music is good. The Lovely Mrs. G. doesn’t always think so, but at least she’s not listening to Ashlee, either, so bonus points to my lovely wife!) Oh, sure – I listen to crap music from time to time. I’ll admit to having a couple of old Wham UK cassettes. I may have even bought “Mr. Roboto” on both tape and CD at various points of my life.

But Ashlee Simpson? Ugh. I’d sooner poke my eardrums out with chopsticks than have to sit through two hours of her screeching. Worse yet, dropping $35 to watch someone pretend to sing (an sing badly at that) is just a stupid waste of money. Why, I can go down the street and watch the local Iowa drunks belt out crappy karaoke versions of “Sweet Home Alabama” for free. Why pay to be tortured?

As I’ve so clearly demonstrated before, Sioux City is pretty much a culturally dead town. And the fact that one of the only “bands” we can attract to play around here is Ashlee Talentless Simpson is proof of that pudding. There’s a reason why U2 and the Rolling Stones played in Omaha, 90 miles to the South, and we can only get Ashlee Simpson to visit Sewer City. It’s because we’re evil, evil sinners, and the Good Lord is showing his displeasure in us by sending us The Worst. Singer. Ever. The show is March 31; I promise you that on the morning of April 1 the churches will be jam packed with people confessing their sins and begging for mercy.

So visitors to the Midwest, enjoy your time in Sioux City. Just be sure to back it up and head to the hills before the evening of March 31, unless you want to risk God’s wrath as He unleashes it on Sodom, Gomorrah, and Sioux City. Because Hell on Earth will be located exactly on the corner of Gordon Drive and Pierce Street.

Oh, and keep a close eye on your first born, too, if you know what’s good for you.