SI Swimsuit Issue (For The Over 40 Crowd)
Want a sure sign that I’m getting old? Either that, or I’m insane? Well, today’s entry will prove it.
Today’s photo comes to us courtesy of Sports Illustrated’s annual Swimsuit Issue. You know the one, where super-hot supermodels don massively expensive “bathing suits” that nobody in their right mind could ever afford to wear into the ocean? That’s the one. Oh, sure they’re pretty to look at. But planning on doing a triple-spin off the diving board? Impractical. But if your goal is looking good while pretending not to notice that your very-much-exposed skin is being attacked by UV rays? That’s the ticket.
Anyway, back to the photo. This picture first turned up online on Tuesday, and when I first saw it, my second thought was, “Wow, this will be the Most Popular Photo on Yahoo’s page before the day is out.” (My actual first thought is listed below.)
Sure to God – it was. By Wednesday AM this pic was solidly in the number one position online – both a Most Viewed and Most E-mailed. It was leading by THOUSANDS of views – even more than the one-eyed kitten that had previously claimed the top spot for weeks on end.
It was destiny – this Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo was going to lead the ranks well into early summer. But then something happened... I’ll explain more later.
Anyway, here’s the photo – and the proof that I’m now over the hill is this comment that sprang to mind when I first saw it:
See? I AM old. No dirty, lustful thoughts. Just concern that poor Molly might catch a virus.
Now, according to the accompanying article, Miss Molly here is (barely) wearing a $30 million dollar diamond bikini, which was made by the fine master jewelers at blah, blah, blah... If you are really reading the rest of the article, there’s something seriously wrong with you.
Trust me: Nobody (with a pulse and an XY chromosome, that is) cares about how many facets the diamonds may have, or how many carats are strung together to make this thing. The only thing old guys like me really care about is 1) the whole “is it drafty in there?” scenario, 2) who has to wash/sterilize the gems when she’s done? 3) I bet she’s not doing the backstroke down in the YMCA’s pool wearing this, and (probably most importantly), 4) Holy Crap, girlfriend! – that’s some incredible bikini wax! I mean, when you cover your cookie, you really ought to do it with something bigger than an Oreo, you think?
Oh, and one more thought, if you can tear your eyes away for a second – who do we blame for the fact that her “left” is several inches higher than her “right” – bad posture or bad augmentation?
There was a time in my life when a photo like this would have really impressed me. But now I’m officially Over 40, and feel like a dirty old man for even writing about this. I mean, thank God that I’m still alive to appreciate “art for art’s sake”, but what does it say about you when you’re thinking more about chances of pneumonia than you are about diamond-studded ta-tas?
So in the end, I’m still madly in love with the Lovely Mrs. G., even though she’s not draped in $30 million worth of gemstones. She’s real, she’s funny, she takes good care of me, and she doesn’t cost THAT much to insure. Plus, when Mrs. G. and I go to the beach, I fully expect her to actually join me in the surf. If you try snorkeling in a diamond bikini, you might as well hang a sign on you saying “HEY, LOOK AT ME, SHARKS! FREE LUNCH!”
But back to this being Yahoo’s. Most. Popular. Photo. Ever. It disappeared off Yahoo’s site at about Noon Thursday. Just totally vanished. Not even the return of the one-eyed kitten could have pushed it off the list, so obviously someone out there yanked it off the Web. I guess she must have a jealous boyfriend or an agent who doesn’t like people looking for free. Ah, but thanks to the power of the Blogosphere and the lack of a cease and desist letter (yet), Miss Molly and her interesting choice of swimwear will live on for all eternity.
And years from now, when I’m even older than I am now, I can look back on this page and think, “Good Lord – she’s young enough to be my granddaughter!” That, and “For Heaven’s sake – put on a sweater before you catch your death of cold.”
Yes, I am old. And probably insane, too.
Today’s photo comes to us courtesy of Sports Illustrated’s annual Swimsuit Issue. You know the one, where super-hot supermodels don massively expensive “bathing suits” that nobody in their right mind could ever afford to wear into the ocean? That’s the one. Oh, sure they’re pretty to look at. But planning on doing a triple-spin off the diving board? Impractical. But if your goal is looking good while pretending not to notice that your very-much-exposed skin is being attacked by UV rays? That’s the ticket.
Anyway, back to the photo. This picture first turned up online on Tuesday, and when I first saw it, my second thought was, “Wow, this will be the Most Popular Photo on Yahoo’s page before the day is out.” (My actual first thought is listed below.)
Sure to God – it was. By Wednesday AM this pic was solidly in the number one position online – both a Most Viewed and Most E-mailed. It was leading by THOUSANDS of views – even more than the one-eyed kitten that had previously claimed the top spot for weeks on end.
It was destiny – this Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo was going to lead the ranks well into early summer. But then something happened... I’ll explain more later.
Anyway, here’s the photo – and the proof that I’m now over the hill is this comment that sprang to mind when I first saw it:
See? I AM old. No dirty, lustful thoughts. Just concern that poor Molly might catch a virus.
Now, according to the accompanying article, Miss Molly here is (barely) wearing a $30 million dollar diamond bikini, which was made by the fine master jewelers at blah, blah, blah... If you are really reading the rest of the article, there’s something seriously wrong with you.
Trust me: Nobody (with a pulse and an XY chromosome, that is) cares about how many facets the diamonds may have, or how many carats are strung together to make this thing. The only thing old guys like me really care about is 1) the whole “is it drafty in there?” scenario, 2) who has to wash/sterilize the gems when she’s done? 3) I bet she’s not doing the backstroke down in the YMCA’s pool wearing this, and (probably most importantly), 4) Holy Crap, girlfriend! – that’s some incredible bikini wax! I mean, when you cover your cookie, you really ought to do it with something bigger than an Oreo, you think?
Oh, and one more thought, if you can tear your eyes away for a second – who do we blame for the fact that her “left” is several inches higher than her “right” – bad posture or bad augmentation?
There was a time in my life when a photo like this would have really impressed me. But now I’m officially Over 40, and feel like a dirty old man for even writing about this. I mean, thank God that I’m still alive to appreciate “art for art’s sake”, but what does it say about you when you’re thinking more about chances of pneumonia than you are about diamond-studded ta-tas?
So in the end, I’m still madly in love with the Lovely Mrs. G., even though she’s not draped in $30 million worth of gemstones. She’s real, she’s funny, she takes good care of me, and she doesn’t cost THAT much to insure. Plus, when Mrs. G. and I go to the beach, I fully expect her to actually join me in the surf. If you try snorkeling in a diamond bikini, you might as well hang a sign on you saying “HEY, LOOK AT ME, SHARKS! FREE LUNCH!”
But back to this being Yahoo’s. Most. Popular. Photo. Ever. It disappeared off Yahoo’s site at about Noon Thursday. Just totally vanished. Not even the return of the one-eyed kitten could have pushed it off the list, so obviously someone out there yanked it off the Web. I guess she must have a jealous boyfriend or an agent who doesn’t like people looking for free. Ah, but thanks to the power of the Blogosphere and the lack of a cease and desist letter (yet), Miss Molly and her interesting choice of swimwear will live on for all eternity.
And years from now, when I’m even older than I am now, I can look back on this page and think, “Good Lord – she’s young enough to be my granddaughter!” That, and “For Heaven’s sake – put on a sweater before you catch your death of cold.”
Yes, I am old. And probably insane, too.
posted by Tommy G at
10:32 AM
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