Cupid should shoot dollars, not arrows.

Well, it’s Saint Valentines Day – a day based on crass commercialism, greed, the goal of out-doing the Joneses, dead flowers, overpriced jewelry, and rotten teeth from too much candy. Oh, yeah -- and love.

I’m really not all that cynical about Valentines Day, and I’m not some unromantic shmuck. Honestly. It’s just that I think they put far too much emphasis on buying crap to say “I love you” on one day a year, when if you had even half a heart inside that cold body of yours, you’d be able to say it every day of the year. But perhaps that’s just me.

Every year on Valentines Day one of my co-workers gets a massive bouquet from her husband that comes with flowers, candy, and a helium balloon big enough to use as a blimp if you really want to float away to somewhere warm. The candy is usually gone before 5:00 and the flowers slowly suffer a painful death in the fluorescent lighting, but the mondo-sized balloon? They always seem to be able to float in the office for months. Seriously – last year’s balloon made it airborne right up until December.

And even better – this year’s gigantic Valentines balloon is MUSICAL – it plays the Partridge Family’s “I Think I Love You”. It’s like a plastic singing bass, only with love thrown in. Funny the first time, annoying as hell the next 4 gazillion times. Ugh.

It’s a nice gesture – but what happens in 3 days from now when she’s back to sniping about her husband’s bad habits? It’s a temporary gesture that temporarily gets him out of the doghouse for 72 hours; that’s all.

Me? I went simple this year and bought something for The Lovely Mrs. G. that is both useful and practical. And it’s something that won’t die, pop, or give you cavities. (I have to keep it a secret for now, so shhhh...) And as for Miss Katie? Well, we just gave her some dinero. What else could a cash-strapped teenager use? It was just her size, too!

So although I’m not so wild about Valentine’s Day, I do try to be at least a little romantic every now and then. I’m a lucky guy – I’ll proudly admit it. The Lovely Mrs. G. takes good care of me, and we’re the perfect pair. Do I really need to “dazzle her with a stunning diamond pendant starting at only $699.00” to show her that? Fortunately, no. Actions speak louder than baubles.

I try to remember to tell Mrs. G. every night that I love her, and if I don’t it’s only because one of us (or quite possibly both of us) are already dead asleep by 9:30, and the only thing I’m saying sounds a lot like loud snoring. But deep down, she knows that ol’ Tommy loves her very much, even though he doesn’t say it with tennis bracelets made of cubic zirconium.

What I really suspect is that if I really wanted to make Mrs. G.’s day, I’d pick up some of my crap that’s laying around the house. Or maybe she’d be thrilled if I cleaned up the cat food off the kitchen floor or if I didn’t leave a post-cooking mess the size of Hurricane Tommy all over the kitchen.

And if she wanted to make my day? Well, a nice day at Disneyland would always do the trick. But since that really isn’t feasible when you live 2,000 miles away from Anaheim, I’ll go the simple route and ask that she continue to tolerate my eccentricities for another 50 years or so. It’s a lot to ask, but hey – you might as well shoot for the stars, right?

So for all of you out there today celebrating the love in your life, a very happy V-Day. And for everyone else who is bitter and angry about today, just remember that tomorrow is another day. And all that leftover chocolate will be half-off by this time tomorrow.