Adventures in Dining

It’s common knowledge that when it comes to diving into the Lake of Intelligence, a large percentage of the people in Sioux City don’t swim in the deep end. In fact, one could say that they barely dip their toe in.

They’re dumb as dirt; that’s a given. But nobody ever said that they’re not resourceful.

Case in point: Having just returned home from an extended travel period, I found myself in the precarious predicament of having “Mother Hubbard Syndrome” – our cupboards were definitely bare. And since hunger isn’t a positive attribute for first thing Monday morning, I decided to patronize the drive-thru window at a local fast food establishment. (Oh, God not McDonalds. Anything but that!)

Anyway, the car in line directly in front of me was one of those vehicles that is best summed up as a “piece of crap”. It was a four door, mostly rust-colored late 80’s GM of some sort.

From my viewpoint in the drive-thru lane I could see the big-haired chick behind the wheel of this vintage masterpiece enjoying both a cigarette and a cell phone conversation – a multitasking skill possessed by many of Iowa’s residents. But she was somehow able to take it to the next level by ordering breakfast at the same time – Oh. My. God. It’s the Hat Trick of Inattention to Your Driving!

But the kicker of this story isn’t her love of her Virginia Slim 100 or her ability to juggle a telephone, a burning cigarette, and a moving vehicle at the same time.

Nope – it was the way that she ordered her food.

You see, the driver’s side window on this four-door rust bucket didn’t go down. Naturally, Miss Driver couldn’t open her car door to place her order, or – gasp! – actually go inside to place her order.

She found a more creative way to do so.

She rolled down the back window and hollered her order out from the front seat.

Now, being the engineering marvel that this car was, it of curse had child safety windows in the back seat, which meant that they would only go down half way. So here’s Chicky literally yelling from the front seat, hoping that she could be heard through that half opened backseat window.

Add to it the fact that the little ol’ lady who works the drive-thru window at Big Ass Burger of Sioux City at 7:00 AM has two not-so-unique characteristics: She’s a trifle deaf, and she’s got a somewhat bad attitude. And we all know how well fast food drive-thru speakers work anyway, don’t we? So the conversation went something like this:

Chicky in Clunker Car: “Gimme a number one with bacon!”

Old Lady: “I’m sorry – I can’t understand you.”

Chicky: “Number one with bacon!”

Old Lady: “Did you want to try a new blueberry biscuit?”

Chicky: “Number one! Number one!”

Old Lady: “With sausage?”

Chicky: “Bacon! Number one with bacon!”

Old Lady: “Oh. (long pause) Okay. A number two with ham. Pull ahead.”

So Chicky eased her car forward 10 yards to the drive-up window itself, still puffing away on her smoke, still on her cell phone. You’d think that maybe she would’ve just called her order in by now, wouldn’t you?

It’s time to pay. Logically, Chicky does the only thing she can.

Still smoking – still on her phone – she LEANS BACK over the seat, and in a gymnastic move that Mary Lou Retton would be proud of, bends backwards to hand the money out the half-down rear window.

It was an impressive move, I’m telling you. God, I wish I had my camera.

The Old Lady leans out of her drive-thru window and takes the wad of ones from Chicky. One thing’s for sure: she may be hard of hearing, but she’s got a good reach. (I didn’t see her hand back any change, so I can only assume she just dropped it in the sack.)

A couple seconds later the Old Lady held out a bag containing what can only be a number four with beef, and Chicky again twisted her body over the back seat and got her left arm out the window to accept the bountiful goodness in a recycled brown paper bag.

Oh, I should also mention that while she was half folded over backwards she was also holding the cigarette butt as she reached out, which she then littered on the ground at the same time she accepted the bag o’ food. Remember what I said about multitasking?

Chicky then drove off into the sunrise, her classic automobile spewing smoke as she pulled away. She was still on the phone, but at least she hadn’t fired up another cigarette yet. I’m sure that somewhere out there she’s still chatting away while driving, a phone in one hand, an incorrect breakfast sandwich in the other, the steering wheel between her knees. All I can say is thank God I’m not driving behind her.

As for me, well, I did receive my correct order from the Old Lady, as I was sure to speak clearly and carefully out of my properly working car window. And I did enjoy the moment – it’s not often you get breakfast AND a show for $2.99.

So that was my morning. How was yours?