Amazing Junk! (Part 1)

Were y'all well aware that there are only 118 more shopping days until Christmas? True dat! So what are you waiting for? Now’s the time to buy, buy, buy your summer away!

I write this mainly because of an e-mail I received from one of those “cool crap” catalog places. You know the ones – page after page filled with embroidered kitten sweatshirts, handy-dandy kitchen gadgets, plastic fish that sing, t-shirts about being an old fart, that sort of stuff. And being a man of ample creativity (i.e. bored to tears), I spent a few quality minutes looking at their latest & greatest gift ideas for 2007.

And what I found astonished me. Why, what do you get this holiday season for your kind-hearted grandmother who already has everything? Certainly not another bathrobe or some smelly cheap perfume. Nope – you get her one of these:

Because nothing says “Love ya, Grams!” better than a great big oversized bib. It’s perfect for showing the gals at the AARP meeting what a slob you’ve become in your golden years.

And what about for Aunt Petunia, the animal lover? Surely there must be something special for her in this catalog, too. And why by golly, there is!

It seems that ol’ Fido needs his daily meds, too, and what better way to keep from mixing up your Vicodin with Rover’s heart worm treatments? (This reminds me of the joke about the old man who accidentally took his dog’s pills. The meds didn’t kill him, but he broke his neck trying to lick himself...)

And what about for that “overly sensitive” cousin of yours -– you know, the one nobody has ever seen with a date? There’s this perfect gift:

My first thought when I saw this thing was “Who is so much of a pansy that they won’t put their hand in a cooler?” I mean, if I was hot & thirsty enough I’d shove my hand into a cooler filled with fire ants if it meant retrieving the frosty beverage inside.

My second thought was “Doesn’t this thing look a lot like a cat poop scooper?” If that’s the case, then I think you have a lot more to worry about than unsanitary fingers in your ice water.

And we mustn’t forget Dear Old Dad – the man who clothes us, feeds us, and can’t seem to aim very well in the middle of the night. This present will take care of that problem for sure!

It may not keep the toilet seat dry, but it’ll sure as hell make lining up the stream a whole lot more fun. Besides, you just know that Richard Simmons has one of these in his estate...

And while we’re discussing bathroom entertainment, let’s try this amazing gadget out for size:

That’s right – the musical toilet paper tube. For less than the price of a pack of Newport Menthol 100's, your teenage sister can sing along to her favorite Christmas carols while she tinkles ever so gently. “Oh, Christmas pee! Oh, Christmas pee!” It’ll be just like American Idol, only without anyone calling you “dawg” and no tripped-out spacey 80’s singers telling you how special you are.

Finally, we’ll wash our hands and leave the W.C. with one last gift – the one every pre-teen boy must have at least once in his lifetime. It fits right up there in the Bratty Brother Hall of Fame, right next to the whoopee cushion, the peanut can of jumping snakes, and the giant pile of rubber vomit:

Now, I realize that in some households it’s not necessary to have a “toilet monster” to make Grandma freak out and run screaming from the potty – sometimes nature (and too many burritos) does the trick on its own. But since that’d be both gross and immature to discuss, we’ll just skip past that topic. You can thank me later.

Instead, we’ll gladly compliment the creative geniuses who came up with these (and other) fantastic gifts – items that are sure to be treasured until about noon on Christmas day, and then will proudly collect dust in the back of the closet for the next 5 years or so, until they make their way to either Goodwill or the nearest landfill.

Because it’s the thought that counts, right? Right?