RAID!!!

One of the “problems” facing Iowa is that we’re suffering through a nasty infestation of creepy crawlies.

No, it’s not locusts or grasshoppers or anything like that. Those we know will go away. In many ways it’s much, much worse than that.

It’s the Attack of the Presidential Politicians.

Welcome to the joys of being an early primary state, where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a presidential candidate or two these days. And it’s twice as bad this time around, since there’s no incumbent candidate to eliminate one party from the get-go.

Seriously: not a day goes by when someone with a phony smile and a blue suit comes to town, waving red, white, and blue signs and trying to convince you that they’re The One.

And if it’s not them personally, then it’s someone stumping for them. Their wives. Their friends. Their colleagues in Congress. People who seem to think that the favor will be returned with a cushy cabinet post.

Yesterday in Sioux City there was Barak Obama for the Democrats, and Mike Huckabee for the GOP. I know this because the Lovely Mrs. G. went to see Barak in person, and I just about met Huckabee in the intersection of Gordon Drive and Nebraska St., where his big black tour bus just about hit my car while he ran the red light. Bastard.

Plus, Bill Richardson was down the road in Council Bluffs (where the local radio station is reporting that he stiffed the waitress out of her tip at a local restaurant), Rudy Giuliani is in Davenport, John Edwards is in Cedar Rapids, and 9 Republican candidates invaded Des Moines all at once. Talk about an infestation – someone call the Orkin Man!

It’s overwhelming, all this attention this state of high school educated corn farmers and hog sloppers gets from the candidates. They call us, they mail us, they show up at our parades or schools or VFW luncheons, as if the opinions and feelings of Iowans really matter once they’re elected.

Being the good registered voters that we are, not a day goes by where Mrs. G and I don’t get at least one phone call from a politician’s office, wanting something from us (read: money). Chris Dodd has our number on speed dial. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last week doing a “survey” about Democratic candidates that was really a campaign call for Hillary Clinton. Edwards and Obama have both recently mailed us DVDs. TV ads for Dimwit Romney have been running for months.

But the worst was when Bushie and Six Shooter Cheney came stumping through here for the 2004 election – four times in 10 days – and they shut down the freeway in both directions during their visit. In a town where there are very few back roads available between here and there, it made me despise them even more than usual.

It makes you want to scream – “Geez, when does it all end??? But then you find out the answer: Not for another 14 freaking months. AAAAAHHHH!

It’s really quit annoying, if you must know. (As if you couldn’t tell from my rant above.)

I really wish sometimes they’d limit presidential campaigns to 60 days for primaries, 60 days for the two suckers who end up as the final candidates. Maybe then they won’t need to spend millions and millions of dollars on TV ads and flyers that are just going to be thrown away.
And maybe then we won’t all be so damn sick and tired of the whole thing, a full year before it happens.

I’ve always said that I won’t turn this blog into my own political rant station – there are already too many of those out there – but they’re pushing me, man – they’re really pushing me. I want Bush sent into retirement more than just about anyone else – hell, I’d buy him a gold watch if he and Cheney would walk away today – but do we really need to hear their possible replacements on both sides blather nonstop for the next year and a half?

Break out the mosquito netting and fly swatter, kids – the bugs are getting thick.