I'm Stumped! (Volume I)

Will someone please answer these three questions for me?

1) How in the HELL does two DUIs equal 82 minutes in jail?

An hour and a half in the pokey isn’t punishment – it’s a long lunch date at Spago. Nicole was in there for the same amount of time it takes to sit through Shrek VI: Electric Boogaloo, if you remove the trailers beforehand, and leave before the credits finish.

The girl was popped for drunk driving. Twice. She drove the wrong way down the freeway, endangering lives. Yet the L.A. sheriff seems to think 82 minutes in the slammer is appropriate punishment? Well, since this is from the from who thought Rodney King was “resisting arrest” and couldn’t close the door on O.J., Robert Blake, or Michael Jackson, I suppose anything is possible.

And speaking of anything being possible...

2) How many people popped for coke possession and DUI will be given such a soft slap on the wrist as Miss Lohan?

They dropped all felony charges, will make her serve one day (which will probably end up being 81 minutes or less), and then she’ll go make a Nancy Reagan-approved PSA about the dangers of being 21, rich, and stoned out of your gourd.

After less than a day of incarceration for her legal sins, Lindsay will go back to her life, begging anyone to hire her again after her past. The paparazzi will stalk her, Barbara Walters will beg her to cry on cue, and odds are high that nobody will have really learned anything from it. Sad, really.

Finally, let me ask this unanswerable question:

3) Why the hell can’t this woman keep her skivvies on?

Poor, poor, nutcase Brit. I’d make a crude remark about her underwear instantly dissolving, but that’d just be gross, wouldn’t it? Seeing what white trash she’s become, I bet she had to use them as an impromptu hankie or to wipe the orange Cheet-o dust off her fingers; that’s why they’re gone. At least she hasn’t been arrested yet...

These – and other great mysteries of Hollywood – are all good reasons why I don’t live in Los Angeles. I think my head would explode from all the contemplation.