Beware! Beware!

Thinking back to what gave you nightmares as a kid, how many of you know what I mean by this sentence…

BEWARE OF THE SLEESTAKS

Oooh – just mentioning Sleestaks makes my skin crawl, 33 years later.

For those of you who don't know what the hell a "Sleestak" is, by all means go watch old reruns of the Saturday morning kiddie show "Land of the Lost". It ran from 1974 – 76, back in the days when you couldn't flip on 500 satellite channels to find cartoons to go with your Lucky Charms.

Land of the Lost was about 3 idiots who plunged down a waterfall in a rubber raft and somehow ended up in a world ran by stop-motion dinosaurs, strange little human-ape guys, and…Sleestaks. Yeah, it wasn't a good show – not by a long shot – but it did have some of the most terrifying monsters that a certain 9 year old boy with a vivid imagination could handle.

The Sleestaks. Why, they were so damn frightening that they even earned their very own spot on Wikipedia. (Okay, just about everything in the world gets a Wikipedia notation, but go with me here…)

Sleestak are large green humanoids with both reptilian and insectoid features; they have scaly skin with frills around the neck, bulbous unblinking eyes, pincer-like hands, stubby tails, and a single blunt horn on top of the head. Sleestak are able to manufacture crossbows, rope, nets, periscopes and other relatively advanced technologies. Sleestak live in the Lost City, an underground tunnel complex originally constructed by the Altrusians. They hate bright light and rarely venture out during the day. The Sleestak attempt to capture and sacrifice humans to their god at every opportunity.

Please take a moment to re-read that last sentence again.

The Sleestak attempt to capture and sacrifice humans to their god at every opportunity.

See? Now do you see why I was always creeped out by them???

I bring up this painful childhood trauma for one reason – they're remaking Land of the Lost. And as you can see from this still photo from the new movie (coming to a theater near you sometime in 2009), the Sleestaks are back. Bigger, badder, and more CG'ed than ever.

Now, keep in mind that the star of the new LotL movie is none other than Will Ferrill, so the odds of it being a frightfest are actually pretty slim. But the mere thought of Sleestaks freely roaming the dreams of kids everywhere again? It makes me itch.

So do your part, America. Protect your innocent little offspring from the Sleestaks. Keep them away from rubber rafts and waterfalls. And for God's sake, if you do happen to end up in the Land of the Lost, be sure to bring a GPS cell phone and a .44 Magnum with you, in case you happen to run into any of these oversized lizard freaks.

In return, they may thank you. I know I will.