Happy Halloween 2006

So here it is – Halloween 2006. Let’s kick it off this way, shall we?

My friend Jason has an axe
Blood and gore and guts.
Gave my neighbor 40 whacks
Blood and gore and guts.
With a chop chop here
And a chop chop there.
Here a chop, there a chop,
Everywhere a chop chop.
My friend Jason has an axe
Blood and gore and guts.

And that, my little ghosts and goblins, is why you don’t hear more Halloween songs. Because every time you try singing a wonderful little ditty like this, your Mom is going to yell at you and tell you to quit being vulgar.

Regardless, there are some truly good Halloween songs out there. Here’s my list:

The Official Thomas J. Gressel List of Top Halloween Songs of All Time

10. All You Zombies – The Hooters. Just because it’s from the 80’s and all that. Plus it’s got zombies in it - that's an added bonus you don't get in today's one hit wonders.

9. Monster Mash – It was a graveyard smash, you know. It was also a really obnoxious song, but it probably deserves a place on this list, since I used to play it over and over and over when I was 10.

8. The Time Warp – Okay, technically The Rocky Horror Picture Show has little to do with Tricks or Treats, but since I used to go see this midnight masterpiece every Halloween, it only seemed appropriate.

7. Spooky – Atlantic Rhythm Section. There’s not much scary about this song, unless you were to imagine that the chick the singer is chasing was to suddenly reach up and pull out his beating heart. Now that’s love.

6. Running with the Devil – Van Halen. Rumor has it that VH version 1.0 (with Diamond Dave) is getting back together for a tour. I’d pay to see that, just to see how a bunch of over the hill rockers are holding up. From the pictures of Eddie Van Halen floating around out there, though, I’d have to say that their aging hasn’t exactly been graceful.

5. Highway to Hell – AC/DC. I really have the feeling that this song is more about partying your way into oblivion and not celebrating a pagan holiday by knocking on doors and begging for Milky Ways, but it’s the closest thing I could come up with that works for All Hallows Eve and a bad night on the Interstate.

4. Papazao – Kevin Federline. Is there really anything scarier than this dumb bastard trying to sing?

3. Psycho Killer – The Talking Heads. If you want to see the coolest rendition of this song ever, be sure to check out the first five minutes of the TH movie “Stop Making Sense.” You’ll see what I mean.

2. Thriller – Michael Jackson. Now, I know that a lot of people make fun of Mr. Oddball – myself included – but you’ve got to think back to 1985, when this damn song was all the rage. I mean, you couldn’t swing a rotten pumpkin without having to hear this song, watch it’s “Making of the Video” special for the umpteenth time, or admire some dumb kid trying to dance like Mike. Still, it was a moment in Pop Culture History that will forever remain in my memory, so it deserves a spot on the list. Yellow eyes and all.

And now – the Number One Halloween song of all time? Why, that has to be...

1. Grim Grinning Ghosts – Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion.

When the crypt doors creek and the tombstones quake
Spooks come out for a swinging wake
Happy haunts materialize
And begin to vocalize
Grim Grinning Ghosts come out to socialize.

Does it get any better than this? I don’t think so. And I’m sure I can find 999 other...spirited people...who agree with me.

So there you go. Now hurry back, and don’t forget to bring your death certificate.