Love Me Don't

You know, I feel bad for Paul McCartney and his soon-to-be-ex Heather. Divorce is never fun, especially when it’s in the public eye. But c’mon, Sir Paul – can’t you think of a better, legitimate, and certainly more plausible excuse for dumping you wife than this?

Paul McCartney, Wife Blame Media for Split

LONDON - Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his second wife, Heather Mills McCartney, said Wednesday that they are separating after nearly four years of marriage, blaming intrusion from the media and insisting their split is amicable.

Blaming the media for the dissolution of your marriage is like blaming Ronald McDonald when you get a bad cheeseburger. I mean, if you two were truly in love, why on Earth would you let a paparazzi’s camera break up your marriage? I mean, the dude’s got something like $1,500,000,000 U.S. in the bank, plus tons more coming in every month. I bet if you really did fancy the girl enough to keep that “’til death do us part” promise, you’d find a way to escape the prying eye of the camera. A couple of big guard dogs, a private Lost-esque island, your own Howitzer...

Besides, you married Heather Mills, not Paris Hilton, so it can’t be that every single camera on the face of the planet is following you, Pauly. You're a rock legend, but you ain't no dippy starlet.

But then in their PRESS RELEASE (ironically passed out to that very same awful media that destroyed the happy couple), Paul & Heather begged for some alone time.

"Separation for any couple is difficult enough, but to have to go through this so publicly, especially with a small daughter, is immensely stressful," it added. "We hope, for the sake of our baby daughter, that we will be given some space and time to get through this difficult period."

Sniff, sniff…smell that? That’s a load of crap there, Sergeant Pepper. If you were really that concerned, you wouldn’t have turned your breakup into front page news. Divorces need time and understanding - not publicists.

Here’s what I suspect is the real reason… Paul is 63. Heather is 38. She wants to go out and play. He wants to sit around and listen to old Wings albums. She wants to save the world from land mines. He wants to go have some more bad plastic surgery.

But like I said, it’s a shame when a happy couple becomes an unhappy couple. And my heart does go out to their daughter, who will have to witness all of Mom & Dad’s fights over his $1.5 billion on the front page of the tabloids for years to come.

But here’s my point: Even though I don’t have a castle or a “Sir Tommy” title from the queen or the world’s most envied record collection, I do have a backbone. I love my wife with all my heart, and there is no friggin’ way I’d ever let anyone come between us, especially not a tabloid or the BBC. So if Paul really wanted to make his union with Heather work, he would have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.