It's A Girl! Quick - Get Her Autograph!

Well, it’s finally happened. Mr. Cruise and Miss Too-Young-For-Him have managed to successfully reproduce. (Or, at least that’s what they’d like us to all believe. With Tom pulling a perfect “he doth brag too much” whirlwind publicity tour and Katie looking like she’s shoplifting a bowling ball under her maternity top, it’d be a wonder if they didn’t give birth to a 7–pound Cabbage Patch doll.)

But according to every important news report in the past 12 hours, they really have a healthy, hopefully happy baby girl, named Suri of all things. Congrats, I suppose.

So now that this unpleasantness is over, can we all please get on with our lives? I know I’m asking for a lot, especially since Brad and Angelina haven’t popped yet, and there’s speculation that Britney and Federwang are at it again. But isn’t it time we find something else to talk about instead of A-list ovaries?

No? Are you sure?

Well, okay. Just this once I’ll throw more fuel on the parental fire. But just this once, I assure you.

Yes, Maverick and his couch-bounce worthy girlfriend are now the proud parents of a baby girl – a kid I feel really sorry for already. Really, now. How’d you like to be less than 24 hours old and already have a bounty on your head for your picture from every paparazzi photographer out there? There you are, fresh from the womb, saddled with a Typical Hollywood Dumb Baby Name, getting your first taste of celebrity life, but unable to even speak to your Mom for the first 5 days. And now you have to deal with overly zealous press? Quick, someone get that girl a press agent – stat!

So yeah – I do feel a little bad for little Suri. Especially when she discovers that her Dad is a world class doofus/crappy actor. You just know the old man is already itching to take her on a press junket, and is working on finding a way to make sure Mommy is knocked up again before the opening weekend of MI:3. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time…

But what I found most ironic is that Tom & Kate’s offspring was born on the same day as Tommy’s favorite celeb sparring partner Brooke Shields had a baby girl. Do you suppose they’ll be billed in the tabloids as enemies from birth? I can just see the two little babies side by side in the nursery.

“My Dad was in Top Gun. Your mom could only star in Blue Lagoon!”
“So what? My Mom was a Calvin Klein model AND starred on Broadway. Your Dad can only dance in his tighty-whities and has to lip sync!”
“Well, at least my Mom didn’t need an epidural!”
“Oh yeah? Well, at least my Dad doesn’t worship space aliens!”
“Thetan!”
“Bitch!”

Then the catfight would be on, and Entertainment Tonight would have something to talk about for the next week.

So here’s to hoping we have the gumption to find something new to talk about, and let those poor little babes have some rest for a while. Because it won’t be long before they’re 6 months old, and they’re out on the streets of L.A., hoping to score some black market Botox to regain that youthful appearance.

Ah, the pressures of youth…