Whaddya want – a COOKIE?

Yesterday my employer decided to celebrate their signing of a major business contract with...cookies. They invited all of us to come down to the lobby between 2:00 and 3:00, where one (1) yellow-frosted sugar cookie was passed out to everyone by the lovely ladies in H.R.

Have you ever seen the scene in the movie “Office Space”, where the drones stand around fawning over birthday cake? It was the same scenario, only with cheap-tasting sugar cookies. "Oooh, cake."

Now, I don’t want to seem ungrateful – just snarky. I mean, come on – a cookie? Is that the best they could come up with? True – a sugar cookie is better than a kung-fu kick to the groin or another round of job cuts (which hurts just slightly less than the smashing of the family jewels), but still – we’re a company that won’t give pay raises, won’t give promotions, has cut benefits, and considers having your picture placed on the front page of the company's Intranet an “award” for performance. But by God, we’ve got your daily supply of sugar and fat! It's the perfect accompaniment to go with that lousy cup of coffee you've been sucking on since noon!

Tell you what – instead of tossing me chimp chips such as yellow sugar cookies and online “awards” that mean little to anyone, how about showing us some respect as workers? How about sincerely thanking us for a job well done? How about a pay raise, since we’re already doing the work of four other people that you laid off?

Must. Think. Happy. Thoughts. C’mon, Tom – do your best. Put yourself in a happy place – you’ve only got 23 months to go before you can implement your escape clause. Happy. Happy. Happy.

Mmmm...cookies. Good cookies. Oh, and look – they’re yellow!