Hooray for Hollywood – sort of.
There’s been a lot of talk lately about the downturn in Hollywood’s box office receipts. Ooh, the movies have had 19 weeks in a row where sales were down when compared to 2004! Look out – Hollywood is losing money! Poor Angelina! Woe is Cradle-Robbing Tom and Jailbait Katie! How are they going to afford their 40,000 square foot mansions and their luxury yachts now??? Next thing you know, your favorite A-list stars will be lining up for food stamps and government cheese!
For me, the primary causes box office woes that the major studios are going through can be summed up in 5 easy points. Take notes; there may be a quiz later.
1 – Going to the theater is an incredible (and expensive) pain in the ass. Sioux City (finally) got a decent theater in town; previously the only first-run multiplex was the dumpy 12-plex at the mall, and we all know what high quality, plush complexes those mall theaters usually are. The new place is very nice, but parking is a bitch around there, since it’s smack downtown, and at $9 a seat, it’s not the cheapest entertainment source around.
Thank God we don’t have to pay for a babysitter any longer, but a night out at the movies usually means dinner of some sort before or after, so figure another $20-$30 right there. (I’m a nice guy and usually don’t make the Lovely Mrs. G go ‘dutch’. And sometimes she’ll pay, too – especially if I’ve been dragged to a movie I don’t want to see.)
And then there’s a $20 outlay in ConcessionLand. I used to work for a form of ConcessionLand many years ago, and I know what type of profit there is to be made at one of those things. $6 for a large Pepsi? What do you think you are – a sporting event? Sheesh. I usually try to pass on their overpriced, oversalted, overly-watered down junk food, mainly because I’d be richer, fuller, and probably more nutritionally sound if I just went ahead and ate my dollar bills instead.
So isn’t it cheaper, easier, and more convenient to sit at home and watch HBO? What the heck -- I’m already paying for it. (And yes – I subscribe to HBO for the movies and World Championship Boxing and not “Taxicab Confessions” or the Bunny Ranch shows. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.)
2 – The audiences are rotten neanderthals these days. Sioux City’s movie audiences are the worst in the world. But believe it or not, it’s not the kids that are the problem – it’s the dumb local mouth breathers who insist on talking all the way through the film. They repeat the lines. They shout at the screen. They tell everyone around them what they think will happen next. They loudly discuss non-movie related subjects (pizza, washing machines, grocery lists) with their neighbors WHILE THE MOVIE IS RUNNING!
I swear I have never seen worse audiences anywhere in the world than right here in America’s Heartland. It’s the middle-age farmers and 50-point I.Q. locals who are the worst; they’re used to sitting in their Barca-lounger at home in front of the TV watching NASCAR or college football, where it’s okay to shout at the screen in between smashing beer cans on their foreheads. The local senior citizens are just as bad – they tend to shout everything, since odds are they’re already hard of hearing, and they want to make sure that they’re being heard over the movie’s soundtrack as they discuss their hair appointments or what the doctor told them. Can’t you people take it HOME and talk about it there?
Meanwhile, I’m trying to watch the movie, and not have to listen to dumbass hicks and old farts chat. And slowly – very slowly – I go out of my mind.
This is the main reason why I didn’t step foot in a theater in almost two years, until the new cinema opened here last winter. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
3 – The movies themselves? They pretty much suck. I’ve seen a handful of films theatrically this year, and I’ve got to tell you – most of them stunk on ice. I did appreciate ‘Cinderella Man’, although it was way too long. But ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide’ was a huge letdown, and ‘Star Wars III’ was horribly written. And there’s no way in hell you’re dragging me into a theater to watch anything starring Hilary Duff, Paris Hilton, or Ashton Kutcher. No thanks. I’ll stay home and eat shards of glass instead. Less painful. So why pay $9 each to see something that’ll more than likely suck big time? I’ll just wait for it to come on HBO, or drop the $4 rental fee and feel 60% less guilty for turning the shit off halfway through.
4 – There’s too much damn commercialism. I’m not talking just about the 20 minutes of “pre-film entertainment” in the form of Coke commercials, Nike commercials, U.S. Army commercials, and ploys to try to make you think you’re watching something other than blatant advertising. That’s bad enough. What’s driving me up the wall is the synergy that the movie studios think they need to spill into our lives months before the film opens. Star Wars cereal in April. Fantastic Four Burger King meals. Batman cell phone ring tones. On and on and on. They blast the characters and plot in our face so much before the movie is ever released that by the time it does come out, you’re so damn sick and tire of hearing about it, you could just care less.
It used to sort-of bother me when I worked for The Mouse that we were expected to know every character of every upcoming movie months before it was released. I remember receiving a whole dossier on “Toy Story II”, explaining every intimate detail about Jesse, Bullseye, Stinky Pete, Zurg, etc. What’s wrong with letting people discover the characters DURING THE MOVIE? Why must you go into the theater already knowing every minute piece of data beforehand? What happened to the (sometimes pleasant) elements of surprise and discovery? Yikes. Don’t get me wrong – I loved working for The Mouse, but sometimes I wished I could just find cine-magic as it happened – not months ahead of time.
5 – There are better things to do with my time. Sorry, but paying good money to sit in a sticky seat staring at a gum-laced screen and listening to a fuzzy soundtrack being overridden by farmers and old goats talking isn’t my idea of a relaxing evening. Going to the movies used to be a fun experience; I really can’t say that it is any longer.
So there you go – Thomas J. Gressel’s explanation of why Hollywood is in the doldrums this summer. I rest my case. Class dismissed. Oh, and if you happen to know Barry Diller, Sumner Redstone, or Michael Eisner, be sure to pass this information along the next time you meet up at Morton’s, will you? They might just care! (Okay, probably not. But you never know.)
See you at the...um...video store?
For me, the primary causes box office woes that the major studios are going through can be summed up in 5 easy points. Take notes; there may be a quiz later.
1 – Going to the theater is an incredible (and expensive) pain in the ass. Sioux City (finally) got a decent theater in town; previously the only first-run multiplex was the dumpy 12-plex at the mall, and we all know what high quality, plush complexes those mall theaters usually are. The new place is very nice, but parking is a bitch around there, since it’s smack downtown, and at $9 a seat, it’s not the cheapest entertainment source around.
Thank God we don’t have to pay for a babysitter any longer, but a night out at the movies usually means dinner of some sort before or after, so figure another $20-$30 right there. (I’m a nice guy and usually don’t make the Lovely Mrs. G go ‘dutch’. And sometimes she’ll pay, too – especially if I’ve been dragged to a movie I don’t want to see.)
And then there’s a $20 outlay in ConcessionLand. I used to work for a form of ConcessionLand many years ago, and I know what type of profit there is to be made at one of those things. $6 for a large Pepsi? What do you think you are – a sporting event? Sheesh. I usually try to pass on their overpriced, oversalted, overly-watered down junk food, mainly because I’d be richer, fuller, and probably more nutritionally sound if I just went ahead and ate my dollar bills instead.
So isn’t it cheaper, easier, and more convenient to sit at home and watch HBO? What the heck -- I’m already paying for it. (And yes – I subscribe to HBO for the movies and World Championship Boxing and not “Taxicab Confessions” or the Bunny Ranch shows. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.)
2 – The audiences are rotten neanderthals these days. Sioux City’s movie audiences are the worst in the world. But believe it or not, it’s not the kids that are the problem – it’s the dumb local mouth breathers who insist on talking all the way through the film. They repeat the lines. They shout at the screen. They tell everyone around them what they think will happen next. They loudly discuss non-movie related subjects (pizza, washing machines, grocery lists) with their neighbors WHILE THE MOVIE IS RUNNING!
I swear I have never seen worse audiences anywhere in the world than right here in America’s Heartland. It’s the middle-age farmers and 50-point I.Q. locals who are the worst; they’re used to sitting in their Barca-lounger at home in front of the TV watching NASCAR or college football, where it’s okay to shout at the screen in between smashing beer cans on their foreheads. The local senior citizens are just as bad – they tend to shout everything, since odds are they’re already hard of hearing, and they want to make sure that they’re being heard over the movie’s soundtrack as they discuss their hair appointments or what the doctor told them. Can’t you people take it HOME and talk about it there?
Meanwhile, I’m trying to watch the movie, and not have to listen to dumbass hicks and old farts chat. And slowly – very slowly – I go out of my mind.
This is the main reason why I didn’t step foot in a theater in almost two years, until the new cinema opened here last winter. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
3 – The movies themselves? They pretty much suck. I’ve seen a handful of films theatrically this year, and I’ve got to tell you – most of them stunk on ice. I did appreciate ‘Cinderella Man’, although it was way too long. But ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide’ was a huge letdown, and ‘Star Wars III’ was horribly written. And there’s no way in hell you’re dragging me into a theater to watch anything starring Hilary Duff, Paris Hilton, or Ashton Kutcher. No thanks. I’ll stay home and eat shards of glass instead. Less painful. So why pay $9 each to see something that’ll more than likely suck big time? I’ll just wait for it to come on HBO, or drop the $4 rental fee and feel 60% less guilty for turning the shit off halfway through.
4 – There’s too much damn commercialism. I’m not talking just about the 20 minutes of “pre-film entertainment” in the form of Coke commercials, Nike commercials, U.S. Army commercials, and ploys to try to make you think you’re watching something other than blatant advertising. That’s bad enough. What’s driving me up the wall is the synergy that the movie studios think they need to spill into our lives months before the film opens. Star Wars cereal in April. Fantastic Four Burger King meals. Batman cell phone ring tones. On and on and on. They blast the characters and plot in our face so much before the movie is ever released that by the time it does come out, you’re so damn sick and tire of hearing about it, you could just care less.
It used to sort-of bother me when I worked for The Mouse that we were expected to know every character of every upcoming movie months before it was released. I remember receiving a whole dossier on “Toy Story II”, explaining every intimate detail about Jesse, Bullseye, Stinky Pete, Zurg, etc. What’s wrong with letting people discover the characters DURING THE MOVIE? Why must you go into the theater already knowing every minute piece of data beforehand? What happened to the (sometimes pleasant) elements of surprise and discovery? Yikes. Don’t get me wrong – I loved working for The Mouse, but sometimes I wished I could just find cine-magic as it happened – not months ahead of time.
5 – There are better things to do with my time. Sorry, but paying good money to sit in a sticky seat staring at a gum-laced screen and listening to a fuzzy soundtrack being overridden by farmers and old goats talking isn’t my idea of a relaxing evening. Going to the movies used to be a fun experience; I really can’t say that it is any longer.
So there you go – Thomas J. Gressel’s explanation of why Hollywood is in the doldrums this summer. I rest my case. Class dismissed. Oh, and if you happen to know Barry Diller, Sumner Redstone, or Michael Eisner, be sure to pass this information along the next time you meet up at Morton’s, will you? They might just care! (Okay, probably not. But you never know.)
See you at the...um...video store?
posted by Tommy G at
2:29 PM
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