Looking Out For #2

We're about to delve into a world that my mother would refer to as "Bathroom Humor." It's the favorite subject of adolescent boys everywhere, so please – pretend you're 11 for a moment and follow along.

This story is brought to you by two co-workers in my building this afternoon, who inspired me to finally write up the grody details below.

The first guy was in the men's room, locked in a stall, eliminating his lunch in a really gross sounding way. While he was on his cell phone. What do you suppose his caller was thinking?

AT THE VERY SAME TIME (no kidding!), a second guy was at the urinal, peeing with one hand and talking on his cell phone with the other. Talk about multitasking!

So since we're (pretending to be) impressed with their dexterity, I thought I'd share this with you. My old friend Gary (emphasis on OLD) sent me this link a few months back, but I haven't had the time and/or inspiration to write it up until now. But once you read it, I'm sure you'll agree that it's worth the wait.

It's from a company called…dare I say?...The Brown Corporation. Hey, when you make such a product, I suppose a pun is 100% appropriate.

Yes, it gives the term "porta-potty" a whole new spin, doesn't it?

Now, when you think of it, it's probably a rather ingenious invention. It's easier than digging a hole, cleaner than most public W.C.'s, and beats having to drop one in the poison ivy in times of such an emergency. All you do is unfold it, do what nature intends, and then go along on your merry way. And hey – if you set it up next to a curb or a fire hydrant, you can even walk your dog at the same time.

My first question is this. Because this cardboard potty is SO convenient and easy to use, what's to keep Mr. Dumbass from using it in places where it's really not so appropriate? I mean, there isn't much privacy offered with such a device, so you'd think that people would be wise enough to use a little discretion, and look for a suitable (semi-private) locate to set it up.

But I'll bet you anything you'll see this wonderful device in use all over the place. Tailgating, NASCAR, along parade routes, Skynard concerts, all-you-can-eat chili fests… The possibilities for public exposure while seated are endless.

Well, I don't know about you, but I for one won't be caught taking a public poo while I'm surrounded by 50,000 rednecks. Or even one redneck, for that matter. (Hey, I've seen Deliverance.) Nope – I'll just hold it, if it's all the same to you. I may have cramps, but you won't catch me seated on a cardboard box with my pants dropped anytime soon.

My second question concerns the maximum weight load on this thing. I mean, everything has its breaking point, right? You'd hate to be sitting on it in the middle of Woodstock 2009 and hear a horrible creaking sound that wasn't coming from your small intestine or Green Day's bassist.

Ah, but never fear. According to the technical specs on the website (Hey, they thought of EVERYTHING!), the Human Litter Box has a weight tolerance of 55 pounds per square inch. So unless you're getting Bubba the Mega Porker sitting on this thing, you're probably "good to go", as it were.

Question #3 involves the fact that there's no T.P. included with this amazing device, but since we're already treading waaay too deep into territory that doesn't go well with breakfast, let's just leave that one alone. Besides, if you're THAT drunk and/or desperate to crap into an oversized shoebox, you probably don't care one way or another. In those cases, please stay away from me. Please.

So there you have it – another amazing invention from someone with the fortitude and dream to make it a reality. What'll they think up next? I'm almost afraid to ask.

I just hope I'm not at the cell phone at the time.