Staycations Suck!

There's a nasty new expression circulating these days – one I don't particularly care for. In fact, in my mind it's almost a bad word.

It's "Staycation".

As in, "Good God Almighty – gas prices are through the roof! Instead of that cross-country jaunt we were planning on this summer, let's stay home and have a STAYCATION!"

Yes, thanks to our being continuously gouged at the gas pump, people all over America are putting off those long road trips in favor of visiting some of the more local attractions, provided there are any nearby.

While this does make economical sense, I suppose, it sure does put a damper on a lot of summer fun. I mean, given the choice, wouldn't you rather spend 2 days in the car driving to Disneyland instead of 2 hours driving to see The World's Largest Wad of Used Kleenex? Maybe that's just me.

Thanks to new jobs, limited vacation time, and my delving back into schoolwork, the Lovely Mrs. G. and I aren't going to have much of a vacation this summer. This bums me out, to be sure – but we'll make up for it sometime later this year with a trip to Vegas.

But if we could go somewhere far, far, away for a few days of R & R, you know damn well we would. Gas prices or no gas prices.

Oh, sure – it may mean an extra credit card payment, or that we'll have to eat a McBurger instead of a top sirloin one night, but visiting a new & exotic locale sure beats the hell out of driving up to the Corn Palace in Mitchell, SD again.

You see, a lot of the "staycation" worthy tourist attractions around here are…how shall I put this?...

LAME-ASS.

Yeah, that's the best way to call 'em as I see 'em. Lame-ass. Which means if you really want to do anything cool, you'll need to get the heck out of Dodge (or Dodge County, if you prefer), and travel a few miles.

Here's some prime examples of nearby tourist activities:

1 – The aforementioned Corn Palace, of Mitchell, South Dakota. It's a small sports arena with corn tacked all over the outside walls. That's pretty much it. They use yellow, red, and brown corn (who knew there was such a rainbow of corn colors?) to make patterns, and then you can stand there and marvel at it as the crows pick it clean. 5 Yawns Up.

2 – Hastings, Nebraska – the birthplace of Kool-Aid. It may be fun once, just to see if they let you burst through the wall and yell "Oh, yeah!" There's actually a Kool-Aid museum here, if you're so inclined. Shall I tell them about my teenage secret recipe for "red devils", which mixed tropical punch Kool-Aid with vodka? Probably not.

3 – Omaha, Nebraska – The World's Largest Ball of Postage Stamps. Yes, my hometown is home to this tribute to all things sticky on one side. According to Roadside America, "The sphere is 32 inches in diameter, weighs 600 pounds, and contains a reported 4,655,000 canceled stamps." And hey – if you really get bored, you can COUNT THEM! Even though this one is close enough that I can go check it out at 11:30 and then be home in time for a sammich, I still think I'll pass.

4 – Exira, Iowa – Plow in the Tree. It's a plow. In a tree. And just think – you drove all the way out here to see it. Now go get a CAT scan – you're obviously brain damaged.

5 – Independence, MO – Leila's Hair Museum. This one's a little more than a tank of gas away from here, but hey – when you can spend an entire afternoon in a museum dedicated to your follicles, why wouldn't you go?

Leila makes "art" with hair clippings – "There's hair that's been made into rings, watch fobs, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, chains, brooches, hat pins, bookmarks, and corsages," sez Roadside America. Hmmm… Maybe when we go I should take Leila an addition for her collection, courtesy of my cat's yacking in my shoes?

Now you see why it’s worth the scratch to escape the Midwest for a while?

So there you have it – just another example of why you really should save your money and drop the coin for a nice, friendly, far-away "real" vacation.

Spending a week on the beach may not be as exciting as looking at a plow in a tree, but your kids won't despise you nearly as much afterwards.