Scrabble with M Diddy

True confession time: There’s only been one new TV series this fall I’ve been watching faithfully. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Yes, your boy Tommy has been watching The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking – what? Why’s he wasting his time on that low-rated reality crap? Geez, Tom – why don’t you just go put on some chamomile tea and watch America’s Next Top Model while you’re at it?

But no – it’s nothing like that. I really do enjoy Ms. Stewart’s show, despite the fact that it’s in the ratings dumpster, and even The Donald has started ripping on it, even though he’s an executive producer.

Martha’s version of The Apprentice has actually been a lot of fun to watch, and it made me see Ms. Martha in a much different light. Oh, sure – I still suspect that she’ll rip your head off and make a lovely bouillabaisse out of your spleen if you dare cross her, but seeing Martha actually smile and show a bit of humility has been good for America – and for me.

I mention my guilty pleasure because last week’s episode included one of those fantastic rewards for the winners that even I really wanted. Usually the winners of Apprentice tasks are shuttled off to dinner with some New York bigwig or sent on some Manhattan sightseeing tour, where they can then reflect on how wonderful they are and try to justify how having a pastrami sandwich while overlooking Central Park can help you win at next week’s task.

But this week’s reward was beyond cool. The three winning finalists got to go up to Martha’s (incredible, outrageous, and somewhat intimidating) estate in Bedford, CT -- where by the way she color-coordinated all of the farm animals to match the farm – and they got to join Martha on a lovely horseback ride around the property, then afterwards...

...here it comes...the good part...

THEY GOT TO JOIN MARTHA IN A GAME OF SCRABBLE!!!

Now, I’m not trying to be facetious here – I’m downright serious. How friggin’ cool would it be to sit down at a table and play a game of Scrabble with Martha Stewart? It wouldn’t be an ordinary weekend of football and naps on the sofa, that’s for sure.

Watching the three finalists play Scabble with M Diddy made me really jealous. I wanted to play, too, dammit! I mean, to just cut loose with the Queen of American Business – a talk show maven, a household name, and a dynasty unto herself - over a lovely game of Scrabble. No work, no worries, just tiles and triple word scores.

I really respect Martha for doing this. You never see The Donald inviting his Apprenti over for Parcheesi, do you? Tyra Banks doesn’t bring the despondent models over a Clue board. Jeff Probst doesn’t offer to challenge the Survivors in a fun round of Candyland. So it’s refreshing to see someone so strong, so powerful, so...Martha... do something so...normal.

Yet as the contestants played, three thoughts went through my mind:

1 – Would you dare let yourself win? Both the Lovely Mrs. G. and I are pretty good wordsmiths, and unless Martha is a member of the National Scrabble Honor Society, odds are pretty high that we’d be able to keep up with her. But it’d be like golfing with the CEO – would you “accidentally” put one into the rough so that the final score was close, but the Big Shot would still win? Or would you say “screw it”, and whip Ms. Stewart’s butt at her own game?

2 – What would the ramifications be if you did happen to win? Would Martha take it well, or would she throw the Scrabble board at you? Would she send you out to her garden to pick some ‘fresh snipes’ for the loft, then ditch you in Connecticut and make you walk back to Manhattan? Or would she just smile and wait until the next time you’re in her conference room, then lean over, light up her #2’s cigar, then put it out in your eye? You just never know what new tricks she picked up in 5 months at Camp Cupcake – she might be able to make a really decent shiv out of the Scrabble tile holder by now.

3 – Where was the snack try? Geez, Martha – you’re a gourmet cook, and the Goddess of Entertaining. I couldn’t help but notice that it was just you and the three nervous Apprenti sitting there playing. Couldn’t you have at least offered up some lemonade? How about some of those wonderful butter thin color-coordinated cookies you like to make? Hell, a bag of Cheetos or some Chex Mix probably would’ve done the trick, that’s all I’m saying.

Yet despite all the things to consider, I’d still love to take Martha on at her own game. Of course, if it were up to me, I’d make her play Disney Trivia instead, and we’d play for cash...

...or maybe a really decent job with MSLO.