Baby, It's Cold Outside

It’s 2 degrees below zero here this morning. Stupid cold.

As you can probably surmise from my constant bitching and my overwhelming desire to live in sunny Florida, I’m not a huge fan of Old Man Winter. I’m naturally a warm weather creature, despite all my years living in moderately lukewarm Seattle. So when it’s below zero outside, I tend to snivel.

I didn’t even need to look at the thermometer this morning to know that it’s stupid cold outside. Trust me; You’ll know that it’s freezing cold outside when you wake up at 5:20 AM and find two cats sleeping on your head, sucking the heat out of your skull. Not a pleasant experience, especially if their little kitty asses are pointed downwind.

Regardless, the coldest weather I’ve ever experienced was about 4 months after I moved here to Iowa – January 1996. Everyone had told me that winters were harsh here, but December had been relatively mild.

Then January came. With a bone chilling vengeance.

January 2, it was 20 degrees below zero. January 3, it got down to an amazing 31 degrees below zero, with wind chills of 80 below.

Now, for those of you who’ve never been in temperatures that extreme, let me tell you – it’s a feeling you won’t soon forget. At about 5 below zero, your nostrils tend to freeze as you breathe. 10 below? Your lungs ache. But at 31 below zero? That, my friends, is cold you’ll feel to your SOUL.

There were only two things that could be remotely called “fun” about 30 below temps. One, you can throw a cup of boiling water into the air, and it’ll freeze before it hits the ground. Two, you can blow soap bubbles, and they’ll freeze in midair. When they hit the ground, they pop like dropped light bulbs. It’s cool to see, but I wouldn’t recommend sending the kiddies out for a morning of this game. They might come back as tot-cicles.

There’s really no way to adequately describe how miserable those temps are. You can’t spend more than a few minutes outside without risking having your nose, fingers, and/or toes fall off, and there are not enough layers of clothing in this world to keep you toasty. So you’d better hope to God that those cold temps don’t come with a bonus of snow to shovel – otherwise you’ll be in a cold, bad mood when you come inside.

Just as there’s a huge difference in comfort level between 85 degrees (bearable) and 95 degrees (pretty frickin’ hot), there’s a huge difference between 5 above zero and 5 below. When it does warm back up to – oh, let’s say 10 above – it feels like a heatwave.

Sad, isn’t it? Sad and a little bit pathetic.

So here’s to hoping for some warmer temps and a little less of this Arctic Blast crap. Although it’s supposed to be 11 below on Wednesday, so we’ll have to wait and see about that.

In the meantime, keep your cats nearby, because you might need them just as much as they need you. Just be sure to sleep on your stomach; otherwise you might have cat-butt scented dreams all night.