You're a SUPERSTAR!
My employer doesn’t give out pay raises. Or promised bonuses. Or on-time performance reviews.
But they do issue STAR awards.
The notion of winning a STAR award sounds a lot cooler than it really is. If someone in the company thinks that a co-worker, manager, or subordinate has done something outstandingly cool and/or terrific, they can go to our Intranet site and complete a STAR award nomination. Anybody can nominate anyone else at any time – for any reason.
The lucky recipient then receives a little flashing e-mail – “Congratulations! You’ve won a STAR award!” Oooh! Aaaah! Yippee! Break out the Dom Perignon!
And what do you get for your STAR award – A certificate? A trophy for your cubicle shelf? A handsome bonus check? A handshake from the CEO? A brand new Cadillac?
Nope. You get nothing. Nada. Zilch. Just the e-mail letting you know you’ve won. I suppose you can print it and frame it yourself, but why bother? There is no prize – big or small. Just a lousy e-mail.
Oh, wait. That’s not quite accurate. In addition to the generic e-mail, you also get your picture plastered on the front page of the Intranet for a month. They’ve got a little animated rotating graphic of all the monthly winners, so you can be guaranteed that every 10 minutes or so everyone in the company is going to be staring at your smiling mug (taken from your hated out-of-focus badge photo). That way, all of your friends out there in other departments can see that you too have won the “Prize That Isn’t A Prize”.
There are two inherent problems with the STAR award program. One being that they’re pointless, because they mean nothing but an “attaboy!” from a manager who probably should have taken 10 seconds and said so to your face, but chickened out and sent a STAR award instead.
The other problem is that there are no set rules to justify why you’re giving someone a STAR award. It could be that they actually showed up to work on time today. Or maybe you like the way they styled their hair. It’s supposed to be for a deeper reason than that, but I’ve seen people receive them for much, much less. Some people win STAR awards weekly. It seems that every time you turn around, certain individuals are featured yet again on the Intranet, celebrating their latest STAR-award worthy accomplishment. Oooh, yeah. She won AGAIN. B.F.D. Since they’re given out like candy around here (about 400 winners a month, out of a company of only 1,800 employees), there’s nothing special about them. Anybody can get one, and probably has.
But hey – they’re free, they’re fast, and they’re supposedly a great way to make employees feel good about coming to a job where they haven’t had a pay raise since early 2003. If you believe it’s working to build morale, then you’d better watch your money closely, because there’s a Nigerian prince who has a deal for you...
Regardless, I tell you all those details so that I can tell you about the latest STAR award winner within our team, my pal Carl.
Carl is a fairly shy guy who doesn’t like to stand out in a crowd. Somehow this week he pleased one of the managers somewhere, and he was issued a STAR award e-mail Wednesday evening.
So the rest of us come into work on Thursday morning, and guess whose badge picture is featured on the front page of the company’s Intranet? That’s right, our boy Carl. This calls for a MAJOR celebration, doesn’t it? I mean, Carl won, and being the semi-shy, totally reserved guy he is, perhaps it’s time he breaks out of his shell and enjoys his brief moment in the spotlight.
So we decide to make Carl a SUPERSTAR.
We printed out his picture from the Intranet, made him a paper crown, and decorated his desk in anticipation of his royal arrival. (Carl is a nice guy, but he rarely comes to work on time, so we had plenty of time to pull this off.) He finally rolled in at about 8:30, where we all stood and cheered for him, singing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”. All day long we kept sending people by his desk to congratulate him on being a SUPERSTAR. He was thoroughly embarrassed, and he threatened each of us with extensive bodily harm, but it was GREAT!
But the nuts & cherries on Carl’s humiliation sundae came from his girlfriend, who works in a department around the corner. She heard about our teasing, and ordered a huge balloon bouquet to be delivered to his desk – a dozen huge latex balloon, with a big “Congratulations! You Did It!” silver mylar balloon in the middle. Heh, heh.
By this point he had strangers stopping by his desk to congratulate him on whatever it was that he’d done to deserve such accolades. A few people even grumbled “Hmmph – all I got for my STAR award was a dumb e-mail - I didn’t get balloons”. Poor Carl – he was embarrassed to the bone, and the rest of us had quite the laugh at his expense.
This morning his balloons are still floating somewhat. (They’ve lost some of their glimmer – and helium), and I don’t think anyone has been by yet today to pat him on the back and tell him “Congrats” yet again. But his paper crown is still on his desk, and I’m pretty sure that if I go look in his desk drawer I’ll find a copy of his STAR award filed away somewhere.
Carl was a good sport about it, although I’m pretty sure he’s plotting revenge on all of us right now. Who knows- maybe by this afternoon we’ll all be STAR award winners.
If that’s the case, I hope they send me candy instead of balloons...
But they do issue STAR awards.
The notion of winning a STAR award sounds a lot cooler than it really is. If someone in the company thinks that a co-worker, manager, or subordinate has done something outstandingly cool and/or terrific, they can go to our Intranet site and complete a STAR award nomination. Anybody can nominate anyone else at any time – for any reason.
The lucky recipient then receives a little flashing e-mail – “Congratulations! You’ve won a STAR award!” Oooh! Aaaah! Yippee! Break out the Dom Perignon!
And what do you get for your STAR award – A certificate? A trophy for your cubicle shelf? A handsome bonus check? A handshake from the CEO? A brand new Cadillac?
Nope. You get nothing. Nada. Zilch. Just the e-mail letting you know you’ve won. I suppose you can print it and frame it yourself, but why bother? There is no prize – big or small. Just a lousy e-mail.
Oh, wait. That’s not quite accurate. In addition to the generic e-mail, you also get your picture plastered on the front page of the Intranet for a month. They’ve got a little animated rotating graphic of all the monthly winners, so you can be guaranteed that every 10 minutes or so everyone in the company is going to be staring at your smiling mug (taken from your hated out-of-focus badge photo). That way, all of your friends out there in other departments can see that you too have won the “Prize That Isn’t A Prize”.
There are two inherent problems with the STAR award program. One being that they’re pointless, because they mean nothing but an “attaboy!” from a manager who probably should have taken 10 seconds and said so to your face, but chickened out and sent a STAR award instead.
The other problem is that there are no set rules to justify why you’re giving someone a STAR award. It could be that they actually showed up to work on time today. Or maybe you like the way they styled their hair. It’s supposed to be for a deeper reason than that, but I’ve seen people receive them for much, much less. Some people win STAR awards weekly. It seems that every time you turn around, certain individuals are featured yet again on the Intranet, celebrating their latest STAR-award worthy accomplishment. Oooh, yeah. She won AGAIN. B.F.D. Since they’re given out like candy around here (about 400 winners a month, out of a company of only 1,800 employees), there’s nothing special about them. Anybody can get one, and probably has.
But hey – they’re free, they’re fast, and they’re supposedly a great way to make employees feel good about coming to a job where they haven’t had a pay raise since early 2003. If you believe it’s working to build morale, then you’d better watch your money closely, because there’s a Nigerian prince who has a deal for you...
Regardless, I tell you all those details so that I can tell you about the latest STAR award winner within our team, my pal Carl.
Carl is a fairly shy guy who doesn’t like to stand out in a crowd. Somehow this week he pleased one of the managers somewhere, and he was issued a STAR award e-mail Wednesday evening.
So the rest of us come into work on Thursday morning, and guess whose badge picture is featured on the front page of the company’s Intranet? That’s right, our boy Carl. This calls for a MAJOR celebration, doesn’t it? I mean, Carl won, and being the semi-shy, totally reserved guy he is, perhaps it’s time he breaks out of his shell and enjoys his brief moment in the spotlight.
So we decide to make Carl a SUPERSTAR.
We printed out his picture from the Intranet, made him a paper crown, and decorated his desk in anticipation of his royal arrival. (Carl is a nice guy, but he rarely comes to work on time, so we had plenty of time to pull this off.) He finally rolled in at about 8:30, where we all stood and cheered for him, singing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”. All day long we kept sending people by his desk to congratulate him on being a SUPERSTAR. He was thoroughly embarrassed, and he threatened each of us with extensive bodily harm, but it was GREAT!
But the nuts & cherries on Carl’s humiliation sundae came from his girlfriend, who works in a department around the corner. She heard about our teasing, and ordered a huge balloon bouquet to be delivered to his desk – a dozen huge latex balloon, with a big “Congratulations! You Did It!” silver mylar balloon in the middle. Heh, heh.
By this point he had strangers stopping by his desk to congratulate him on whatever it was that he’d done to deserve such accolades. A few people even grumbled “Hmmph – all I got for my STAR award was a dumb e-mail - I didn’t get balloons”. Poor Carl – he was embarrassed to the bone, and the rest of us had quite the laugh at his expense.
This morning his balloons are still floating somewhat. (They’ve lost some of their glimmer – and helium), and I don’t think anyone has been by yet today to pat him on the back and tell him “Congrats” yet again. But his paper crown is still on his desk, and I’m pretty sure that if I go look in his desk drawer I’ll find a copy of his STAR award filed away somewhere.
Carl was a good sport about it, although I’m pretty sure he’s plotting revenge on all of us right now. Who knows- maybe by this afternoon we’ll all be STAR award winners.
If that’s the case, I hope they send me candy instead of balloons...
posted by Tommy G at
9:27 AM
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