The Pen Is Mightier...

As I’ve mentioned before, I used to write a column for the local newspaper, the Sioux City Journal. (Or, as some of the trying-to-be-funny locals call it, the “Sioux City Urinal”. Yuk, yuk.)

Anyway, I wrote a weekly column from February 2003 until December 2004. I walked away on my own accord (and what I thought were friendly terms), and that was that. I was never technically an employee of the Journal; I was a freelance writer who they paid $20 a column to via a monthly check and an annual 1099 form to the IRS. I never kept the money; instead I gave it to charity every month. What the heck – it was only $80 a month, and I was doing it for the writing experience, not the big bucks.

So here we are, October 2005. Nearly a year has passed since I retired from the weekly column. And in my mail yesterday, I get a huge nastygram from some bitch in their payroll department.

Miss Snotty McBitch sends me this letter about their 2003 tax filing for my payment was rejected by the IRS, and I must’ve done something wrong when filling out my tax paperwork. (Truth be told, I never did fill out tax forms for them. I was a contractor, not an employee. Duh.) So would I fill out a new W9 form and send it back.

But here’s the kicker. Are you ready for it? The next line of the letter said (and I quote):

“If you do not return this by October 27 you will be fined $50.”

WTF??? I don’t work for Snotty McBitch. I technically never have. And yet here she is threatening to fine me 50 clams for their fuck-up.

Ah, but it gets better. You see, Snotty McBitch had the balls to spell my name wrong on her nastygram and envelope. HA! And you wonder where their IRS mixup occurred?

So being the kind, gentle, forgiving guy that I am, I immediately sat down at my computer and wrote a sensible, polite reply.

You know what they say about the pen being mightier than the sword...

Here’s part of the response I mailed to Ms. McBitch last night:

Enclosed as requested you will find a copy of the W-9 form for the 2003 tax filing. As you will surely notice, I have spelled my name correctly, as I have done for the past 40 years.

It’s funny, [Snotty]. Your envelope and cover letter are the only correspondence I have ever received from the Sioux City Journal or Lee Publications with the incorrect spelling of my last name. My byline was spelled correctly in your newspaper every Monday morning for almost two years, and the remittance checks I received were also spelled correctly. In fact, my 2003 AND 2004 W-1099 receipts are also spelled correctly. So I really think you ought to point the blame elsewhere.

Then here comes my favorite line…

By the way, I’d LOVE to see you try to fine me $50. Perhaps they’d let you use the windfall to attend a business etiquette class.

Heh, heh. NEVER piss off a writer.

Oh, and I CC:ed in the publisher as well. He’s a helluva guy, with a great sense of humor. Hopefully he’ll appreciate my snarkyness as much as I did.

‘Cause Snotty McBitch sure won’t.

I’ll let you know if she decides to pursue this any further. For her sake, I hope she knows what she’s been licked.

And if all else fails, I’ll fine her $100 for wasting my time.