Sick of Cruise

Do you remember the “good ol’ days” when the only time you ever heard anyone mention Tom Cruise’s name was when he & Nicole were suing the pants off yet another tabloid? Nowadays you can’t take a dump without seeing Tom “Lots o’ Teeth & Energy” Cruise and his dorky grin staring back at you. Whether his expressing his “love” for his practically-embryonic girlfriend or jumping up and down on Oprah’s sofa, he just seems to be everywhere these days. And quite frankly, I’m pretty damn sick and tired of him. He’s sort of like your leftover Thanksgiving turkey on the following Monday night – you find yourself thinking, “Oh, for the love of God – not again. Isn’t it gone yet???”

Now, I have to admit – I don’t mind a decent Tom Cruise movie every now and then. Risky Business came out at about the same time as my high school graduation, and it THE MOVIE we all had to see that summer. I still find myself quoting lines from it every now and then. (Usually about Guido the Killer Pimp.) Top Gun was a little too homoerotic for me, IMHO, but it was an okay story...once. Let’s face it; Maverick & Pals really didn’t have a long shelf life. And I’m one of the few who really didn’t mind his portrayal of Vampire Lestat. Call me weird. (The book was still 100 times better, though.) He’s no Olivier or Bogart – not by a long shot. But he’s no Carrottop, either.

But now Tom is back with Mr. Stephen Spielberg, a semi-genius who used to make great films (Indiana Jones, Jaws, and Close Encounters come to mind), but nowadays makes either confusing flicks (A.I.) or movies that are so damn violent and/or heavy handed and gut wrenching you’d better thank God that you didn’t bring a girl on a first date to see them (Schlinder’s, Saving Private Ryan’s Privates). This time around Tommy and Stevie are remaking War of the Worlds, the classic HG Wells story that Orson Wells brought to life so well long ago. Two thumbs up...or one giant finger instead? The world will soon decide.

I haven’t seen Tommy Boy’s War of the Worlds yet, and quite honestly, I’m not so sure I want to. This being the 21st century, I fully expect it to be filled with quasi-realistic CG animated aliens and about 5 minutes of plot, and knowing The Thomster and his antics of late, I suspect the storyline will involve Tom passing out Scientology pamphlets to the invading aliens while hitting on their younger sisters...

Oh, why, Lord? What sins have we done to deserve the scorn of a 24/7 nonstop Cruise-a-thon? There’s a list of people that I sincerely wish would Just Go Away...And Stay There. Guess what, Mr. Mapother? Your name just went on it. Congrats. You’ve joined such elite dignitaries such as:

Britney Spears & her greaseball man-child K-Fed
Paris Hilton
Pauly Shore/Tom Green
Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown

And now, our newest entry – Mr. Tom Cruise. Huzzah!

I pick on Tom, mainly because it’s a free country, dammit, but partially because he’s become so damn annoying. He’s become the biggest tabloid fodder in the world, and he seems to really enjoy his newfound notoriety. Meanwhile, he’s become a Grade A Jackass in the public’s point of view, and all the spin doctoring and Hollywood A-List publicity machines in the world aren’t going to make you look like a saint. You’ve become an Asshat, Mr. Cruise. A full blown, overblown, overexposed Asshat. So sorry, Tom.

Okay – so there’s my T.C. rant for the day. I’ll leave him alone now, in case his total lack of a sense of humor fails to find this funny. And you’ll notice that for the most part, I left Katie Holmes out of the picture. Why? Well, for one I expect to see them break up before Labor Day, and two...it’s not her fault. At least not until she jumps on Oprah’s couch.