"Crappucino", Anyone?

It’s blasted hot here in the Heartland (mid 90’s), and they’ve cranked the air conditioning up to “teeth chattering” today. Hey, I’m not really complaining – usually it’s set just a notch above “sweltering”. There must be some V.I.P.s in town – normally they don’t turn on all the hall lights and splurge on luxuries such as A.C. for us commoners.

Isn’t it funny the things companies will do as “cost savings measures”? I suppose I should be thankful that we don’t have to bring our own T.P. from home as some people do, but c’mon – reusing the coffee grounds twice is beyond “cost saving” – that just reeks of “cheap”.

Speaking of coffee, let me tell you what the Lovely Mrs. G. and her office staff has been drinking lately. She works in a small office, where the owner/boss found online a special blend of Indonesian coffee beans. But these beans aren’t harvested in the traditional manner – no sirree, they come out of a cat’s ass.

Now, the following tale is going to get somewhat…gross. So I apologize now, and hope that you won’t read this right before lunch. Or coffee break.

Anyway, her office has been enjoying something called Kopi Luwak coffee, which is supposedly a “gourmet delight”. It seems that there’s this Asian feline called the “palm civet” (paradoxurus hermaphroditus) that enjoys eating coffee beans right off the bush. Sounds okay so far, right? But that’s when the magic begins.

For you see, when nature does it’s trick, and Mr. Kitty has to use the “facilities”, the coffee beans don’t digest, so they come out and fall to the earth. Yes, just like peanuts, corn, and stolen diamonds do. So when the Big Kitty uses it’s jungle-based litter box equivalent, voila -- out comes the miracle product -- cat crap coffee.

Oh, sure – they wash off the “waste materials”, leaving just the undigested coffee beans behind. And some say that it provides a unique flavor that can be described as “earthy, musty, syrupy, and smooth with rich, jungle undertones with hints of chocolate and caramel.” Well, I’m fairly sure the “unique” part of that statement is accurate.

Funny how you don’t find that listed on your local Starbucks menu, isn’t it?

Now, I have a million questions about this culinarily odd beverage. First, who the hell was the first person who thought it would be a good idea to consume a product that comes out of a cat’s rectum? I mean, I see my cat’s litter box every morning, and never once has it crossed my mind to scoop up a big chunk of his post-dinner #2 and brew it into a hot cup of joe.

Next, I have to wonder who came up with the brilliant idea to market cat crap coffee to the masses? This stuff apparently sells all over the world, for prices upwards of $300 a pound or more.

Hey, perhaps P.T. Barnum was right! I could open a large can of Folgers, give Jack and Tasha an extra can of 9-Lives “Super Supper”, and go into business! If they’re willing to pay $300 a pound for imported cat crap coffee, maybe they’ll give me $150 a pound for some locally grown, totally organic C.C. java? (And – if Jack happens to catch a mole and/or mouse, we’ll call that the “special roast” and charge another $20.)

As you can probably assume, there’s no way I’m ever going to drink cat crap coffee. Never. I don’t care if I’m dying of thirst in the desert, and the only two beverages available are gushing oil from an oasis or a gallon of iced kitty poo mochas – I’m choosing the Texas Tea. Yes, I know that honey is basically bee puke, but that’s different. Don’t ask me how exactly, but it is.

But The Lovely Mrs. G. and her co-workers had the pleasure of trying the Kopi Luwak coffee, thanks to her generous/semi-wicked boss. And she says she didn’t seem to mind it. She says the flavor is actually weaker than the dark roasts she’s used to, but overall it was pretty good.

I’ll take her word for it and stick with Diet Pepsi, if it's all the same to you.